Words Written in Lightning: Chapter 5 [Original Draft]

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

April 8, 2016
Novel / Chapter: Action / Adventure, Fantasy
7 comments (4 reviews)

*I changed the name of the Archives, due to the fact that I finally decided a name that I liked as much as Stormlight. (There is a book series by my personal favorite author, Brandon Sanderson, called The Stormlight Archive. I knew about him when I wrote this--I'd read Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians & Mistborn--but I didn't know that They Way of Kings and Words of Radiance were called the Stormlight Archive, I swear!) They're now the Goldstorm, Whitefrost, Blueblaze, and one unknown Archive.

Chapter 5

Dead Man's Footsteps

Count Vincent Einzbern, Ryall Manor, Whiteridge

Count Vincent Einzbern had watched the entire fight from the shadows.

The man in black pulled the knife from Elden's body.

"Poor bastard. Just wanted his family back. . ." Vincent said.

The bounty hunter whirled around, preparing to throw the knife as he turned, though its power was useless--used up on Elden.

He sighed, shoulders dropping slightly. "It's you." His face contorted for a moment, returning to a long chin with sharp features. His hair darkened from short, straight, and pale to shoulder-length and curly black. His eyes morphed from red to gold.

The late Count Ien Einzbern's red-and-blue-eyed son, Vincent, walked out to face the gold-eyed bounty hunter.

"Took you long enough to kill him, Blaise," he said softly.

"Don't call me Blaise. It's been years since we talked--you hired me as Phantom the bounty hunter."

"The others I've hired took substantially less time," Vincent continued, ignoring him.

Blaise glared at Vincent. "Shut your damn mouth or I'll shut it for you," he said. "I'm not reckless like them other bounty hunters you've hired." He lit another cigar by snapping his fingers. "I'll get the job done, and I'll get it done right." He puffed out a breath of smoke.

Wish I had the strength to kill the bastards myself, Vincent thought.

Vincent was never the healthiest of men. Due to a multi-system medical condition--called tuberous sclerosis--he had one eye red and one eye blue. His hair was pale, tinged blue. He couldn't do physical labor since he'd break out in seizures if he did. He had to wear somewhat loose clothing--usually a black tailcoat with gold and red lace on the lapel--as opposed to the tight form-fitting uniforms that were in style these days. Vincent also carried a mahogany cane with a silver handle.

Though he wasn't the best for physical work, he was brilliant.

"Time to continue the framing of Visermann Ryall, Blaise."

Prince Edmond Ryall, Whiteridge

Elden returned some time later.

"Took you long enough," Lionel said. "I was starting to think you'd been murdered or something."

Elden stared at him flatly. Myles chuckled.

"So, what's the game plan?" Edmond asked.

"Lord Alexander ordered me to take you here and hide out for a span of two days, to make sure the palace and manor were safe," Elden said. "We've been here almost a full day."

Edmond nodded. That sounded like something his father would do.

"What are we supposed to do for these two days?" Myles asked, strolling over.

"Stay safe, I assume," Edmond answered.

"Most likely," Elden said solemnly. "My Lord Ryall didn't give any more instructions than to take you here, but I imagine he'd want you to stay safe." Elden began to remove Frost's tack.

"How on Selphen do you get good at this!?" Richard muttered, frustrated at being unable to win a single round of Snake.

"You gotta flick your wrist and let the stone slide from your hand, like this." Lionel picked up a stone, tossing it into the ring. Richard tried to copy the movement, but failed, the stone flying wild and missing the ring completely.

"Ather's Gates, I give up!" Richard stood, stretching. "You're back, " he said, finally noticing Elden. "Do you have any pointers on how to get this--" he gestured toward the ring and Lionel's twelve-pointer "--Snake?" he asked, throwing his hands up exasperatedly.

Elden stared at him blankly. "What?" he asked, turning back to currycomb his mare.

"See?" Richard told Lionel. "Even the skilled Elden doesn't know how to get that Snake!"

"Vincent, what are they talking about?" Elden muttered under his breath. He stopped brushing Frost for a moment, as if expecting a reply.

Edmond assumed that Elden thought he couldn't hear him. He also assumed he was the only one who noticed.

"Snake," Edmond said slowly, his hand creeping to his sword, realizing that something was very wrong.

Elden turned sharply. Edmond drew his sword.

Lionel, seeing Edmond draw his weapon, instinctively grabbed his bow and notched an arrow.

"Who are you?" Edmond asked, his voice shockingly calm. He fell info left wolf, holding the sword in front of him with both hands.

Edmond slowly looked around, though not turning his back to his foe. The twins had their swords out, though they chose full wolf--holding their swords with their dominant hands and their daggers in the other, with their feet shoulder width apart. Lionel stood behind Elden, holding the shaft of his bow in the crook between his thumb and forefinger.

Elden smirked. "Well damn," his body said. The voice had change to one very different from Elden's--this was a deep, almost lazy baritone, opposed to Elden's stiff alto. "You're a sharper kid than I thought!" He calmly, confidently drew his sword, holding it out to his side.

"Come at me!" he dared. "You'd probably become the most renowned man in history for killing Blaise Fiston. Though you may know me as. . ." he flashed a carefree smile at Edmond, as if they were old friends out for a drink.

"Phantom."

Lionel fired his bow, the arrow going straight through Phantom's heart. Edmond charged, impaling Phantom through the solar plexus with Darkheart.

"Seems you don't like me. . ."

"You tried to kill the twins!" Edmond growled, removing Darkheart and jumping back.

Phantom stretched, shoving his chin to the side and cracking his neck. "That was years ago, my young prince," he said with a flourish. "I'm working for a new employer now."

"What-did you do-with-Elden?" Edmond growled through gritted teeth.

"Nothing, my boy!" Phantom smirked.

"It wouldn't be wise to deny my brother. . ." Richard muttered. Standing behind him, Richard's stallion Shade shifted from foot to foot nervously--but held his ground as he was taught.

"Nothing, my boy," Phantom repeated. "I simply killed him, and am now using his dead body to do the same to you."

Lionel loosed another arrow, but missed. Edmond threw himself forward, going for a powerful upward slash.

Phantom blocked the attack and made a stab of his own, clipping Edmond's side.

Edmond yelped momentarily in shock, but soon recovered from the blow as he realized it wasn't serious--just painful.

I'll have to watch for signs of poison on that blade. . . he thought.

Myles and Richard came in on Phantom's flanks. Lionel fired two more arrows, both soon sprouting from Phantom's shoulders.

Phantom blocked Richard's attack and and did a sweep kick that threw Myles off his feet--but even so, Myles managed to get his dagger into Phantom's left thigh.

"You're gonna have to do better than that, kid!" Phantom said gleefully, charging Edmond.

"No!" Richard yelled, stumbling forward. He threw his dagger--as he'd been taught, by Edmond himself--into Phantom's heel, slicing the Achilles tendon.

Phantom staggered and fell over. "Dreok's beard. . ." he muttered, standing up with some difficulty.

"Aim for the joints!" Edmond shouted frantically, realizing how they were going to defeat their friend's dead body. "Tendons, ligaments, places you can hit to incapacitate his limbs!" he yelled.

"Got it!" the twins shouted in unison.

Edmond charged forward with a slash aimed at Phantom's shoulder joint, hoping to destroy Elden's sword arm.

Phantom blocked the strike and tried to do a sweep kick as he'd done with Myles, but Edmond expected the strike and jumped back, Elden's foot missing him by a mile.

He knows we know. . . Edmond thought. So how do we get him now?

Richard charged Phantom from behind, hoping to get a stab in on his shoulder blade, but Phantom ducked and Richard missed, almost running into Lionel's horse, Cobalt.

The kensin, Edmond realized. My knives! He began to make his way to his pack. Phantom, crossing swords with Lionel--who'd finally realized his bow was useless in this fight--didn't notice Edmond.

They might spook the horses, but. . . Edmond grabbed two of the amber-colored knives and prepared to throw one at the muscle that connected Elden's shoulder to his neck.

"Lionel!" Edmond shouted. Lionel glanced at Edmond momentarily before parrying another strike from Phantom.

"Duck!" Edmond threw the knife. Phantom, not yet realizing what was going on, turned his head--only to see the blade sink into the base of his neck.

Edmond turned away and put his hands over his head as he heard the loud bang! of the kensin blade exploding and destroying Elden's shoulder and, hopefully, incapacitating his arm.

Edmond turned around to see a snarling Phantom, his head lolling to the side without the muscle to hold it in place.

Cinder reared, finally losing his nerve, and crushed Elden's arm and upper thigh.

"Well, this battle is useless now," he muttered, struggling to stand back up.

He finally stood, only to turn pale and collapse.

"Hail and farewell, my friend," Edmond said quietly before wiping off his sword and sheathing it.

"What do we do now?" a battered Lionel asked.

"First," Edmond said tiredly, gently grabbing Elden's ankles, "we get him on Frost."

Lionel nodded, roughly picking up Elden's shoulders and helped Edmond heave his limp body on to Frost's back.

"We'll let the priests take care of him once we get to Ryall Manor."

Lionel began jerking the arrows from Elden's body. Edmond eyed him.

"I'm trusting that you wouldn't disrespect the dead without reason, Lionel," Edmond said softly. "Don't betray that trust."

Edmond sighed, absently placing his hand on the hilt of Darkheart and looking at Richard. "We ride at midday. Get packing--we have to get to Father, quickly." He gently removed his silver crown, placing it inside his bag. "And it would be best if onlookers didn't know we hail from Stowerling Palace."

Visermann Ryall, Ryall Manor, Whiteridge

"Al," Visermann inquired with mock innocence, "where are the Ryall princes?"

"Um, eh, er. . . " he stuttered. "I do not know, my Lord."

"Well," Visermann said darkly, advancing on his guard head. "I know you have a talent for breaking things--but surely you couldn't have broken a piece of paper with a wax seal when giving it to Elden Drusillus, could you?"

"N-no, my Lord," he stammered. "I delivered it to the Lord Provost undamaged, my Lord."

"I see. . ." Visermann's eyes narrowed. He turned around to leave. "Back to work," he barked. Al yelped and hustled out of the room.

Then where are the boys? Visermann wondered furiously. I cannot unlock the Archives without those boys!

______________________________________________________________________________

A/N:

*Tuberous sclerosis

Okay, I understand that you may not have a family full of auto immunes and other various medical problems. You may--unlike me--not want to go into the medical field and become a doctor. That's fine. But, for those of you who want it, I'll go a little more into explaining tuberous sclerosis.

Tuberous sclerosis is a rare multi-system condition that causes benign (non-life threatening) tumors to develop in the brain and other vital organs (eyes, liver, kidneys, lungs, heart, et cetera).

It most often affects the central nervous system and causes combinations of the following symptoms: Seizures, skin and eye coloring abnormalities, pale or silver hair, delay in the developmental process (should the condition be contracted within childhood), behavioral issues, and kidney disease. In some cases--depending on where tumors are located--unnatural stoicism (lack of emotion) and sociopathic tendencies can occur.

Pronunciation Guide:

*Ryall

RE-all.

*Rhylath

RYE-ah-lath.

*Visermann

V-EYE-zer-men. It's a hard v. Vi is one syllable.

*Einzbern

This is a German name. (It could be German or French, depending on your pronunciation. I'm going for the German form, since I've used enough French names in this series already.) It isn't super hard to pronounce, but I thought I should put it here anyway.

EYE-n-Z-burn.

*Solar plexus

SO-lar PLEX-us. It's in the center of your chest--you can't miss it. It's right between your ribs--that little gap between them. The spot is very sensitive, often a target to attack in hand-to-hand combat. (Try pressing your fingers around there--you'll know what I mean.)

(In theory) with enough skill, you can stab someone right through there and have much less resistance, and also hit their spine. Right between one of the discs--so it's pretty much an instant killshot. However, it's a terrible spot to attempt to attack because it's usually heavily guarded--but Phantom allowed Edmond to get that shot in. Edmond missed his main target--the left kidney area. (Take out the stomach, liver, pancreas, and kidney all in one shot if you're lucky.)

*Achilles tendon

The Achilles tendon is the tendon on the back of your heel connecting your gastrocnemius (big, somewhat flabby muscle on the back of your leg) to your calcaneus. (A central bone in your foot.)

When the entire tendon is severed, there is nothing left to connect your foot to the rest of your body save for a slim flab of skin. It takes a considerable amount of time to heal, if it ever does.

AH-kill-es Ten-done.

Comments

Points: 7
Reviews: 48

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Tue May 03, 2016 9:49 am

Jyva wrote a review...

fuckin forgot to mark it as a review

any part that i haven't commented on is ok

>"Poor bastard. Just wanted his family back. . ." Vincent said.

why are there spaces between the dots here?

>The bounty hunter whirled around, preparing to throw the knife as he turned, though its power was useless--used up on Elden.

useless--used repetition

otherwise this sentence is fine

>The late Count Ien Einzbern's red-and-blue-eyed son, Vincent,

the reason why this guy's eyes are red and blue better not be "because it's cool"

>The late Count Ien Einzbern's red-and-blue-eyed son, Vincent, walked out to face the gold-eyed bounty hunter.

1. (colour)-eyed repetition

2. you've already mentioned the bounty hunter dude's eye colour.

>Vincent was never the healthiest of men. Due to a multi-system medical condition--called tuberous sclerosis--he had one eye red and one eye blue.

alright here's the reason. a quick google search told me tuberous sclerosis doesn't change your eye colour/make them go red and blue. could be wrong, correct me if i am.

directly stating Vincent's condition like this is a no-no. you want the reader to learn that information naturally, through character interactions, or maybe Vincent thinking about it after a seizure. if you wanted, you could use a seizure as an opportunity to surprise the reader and end a chapter, leaving them wondering what's up with him.

>His hair was pale, tinged blue. He couldn't do physical labor since he'd break out in seizures if he did. He had to wear somewhat loose clothing--usually a black tailcoat with gold and red lace on the lapel--as opposed to the tight form-fitting uniforms that were in style these days. Vincent also carried a mahogany cane with a silver handle.

this part is weak, and not just cause of the prose.
doing description like this is almost never good. it's going to slow the pace of the story, so unless the prose previous was already like that, you don't want it. bounty hunter man just committed a murder here, and now Vincent's talking to him. there's no time for description. my default advice for this is to spread the description out through character actions. short example:
"Her black hair waved in the wind as she ran."
you get the description across and it's unobtrusive.

as for the prose, i can't really help you much. i'm not going to rewrite the entire paragraph for you, and stuff like that can only be learnt through a mixture of experience and learning(aka googling)
age-old advice for writers: show, don't tell.

>Though he wasn't the best for physical work, he was brilliant.

i get that you mean "brilliant" as in "really smart."
however, it could be worded far better - as it is, that sentence sounds like "brilliant" refers to his physical work ability. you also don't really give us any reason/examples as to why/how he's smart. you just say he is. boring.

>"Took you long enough," Lionel said. "I was starting to think you'd been murdered or something."

hur hur hur

i'm assuming you've already described to the reader who these new characters are.

>"Vincent, what are they talking about?" Elden muttered under his breath. He stopped brushing Frost for a moment, as if expecting a reply.

WOW WHAT A SKILLED BOUNTY HUNTER A+ FOR SNEAKINESS

>Edmond assumed that Elden thought he couldn't hear him. He also assumed he was the only one who noticed.

i have no idea who this part is talking about. too many "he"s to keep track of. i can assume it, but i shouldn't have to assume it. clear this mess up

>"Who are you?" Edmond asked, his voice shockingly calm. He fell info left wolf, holding the sword in front of him with both hands.

info*
i'm guessing left wolf is some fancy swordfighting posture you've made up. for the sake of the reader, just say "a fighting stance", man. for the most part this detail doesn't even matter.

>Edmond slowly looked around, though not turning his back to his foe. The twins had their swords out, though they chose full wolf--holding their swords with their dominant hands and their daggers in the other, with their feet shoulder width apart.

full wolf neeeeerrrrrrds

>Lionel stood behind Elden, holding the shaft of his bow in the crook between his thumb and forefinger.

you... you don't have to specify. literally everyone has seen legolas, ok. just say "held his bow ready", jesus.

>Elden smirked. "Well damn," his body said. The voice had change to one very different from Elden's--this was a deep, almost lazy baritone, opposed to Elden's stiff alto.

changed*

>"Come at me!" he dared. "You'd probably become the most renowned man in history for killing Blaise Fiston. Though you may know me as. . ." he flashed a carefree smile at Edmond, as if they were old friends out for a drink.
"Phantom."

i cringed so hard i pulled a muscle.
this only serves to make "phantom" look like an idiot.
...maybe that was your intention?
also the dots have spaces between them again why

>Lionel fired his bow, the arrow going straight through Phantom's heart. Edmond charged, impaling Phantom through the solar plexus with Darkheart.

oh golly, his sword has a name. that's cool. only special swords get names.
...darkheart.
straight outta 2007.
nigga i thought Edmond was a prince. darkheart sounds like a bad guy spell from world of warcraft.

"Seems you don't like me. . ."

THE DOTSSSSSS

general comment for that fight scene: do keep in mind that most if not all fights happen very, very quickly. you don't have time to write out every single action a guy does, every thing that the characters say. this is from the perspective of edmond, right? he's focused on the bad guy. he's not going to register a lot of what his allies do. his thoughts would be a lot less complete and a lot more fractured.
also every move that the characters do comes on a new line and that's gross

>They might spook the horses, but. . . Edmond grabbed two of the amber-colored knives and prepared to throw one at the muscle that connected Elden's shoulder to his neck.

don't tell me what he's gonna do with them. give me some suspense, man.

>Cinder reared, finally losing his nerve, and crushed Elden's arm and upper thigh.

who?

>"Well, this battle is useless now," he muttered, struggling to stand back up.
He finally stood, only to turn pale and collapse.

yknow, for such a confident guy, Phantom sure went down like dumbass.

>He coughed, blood bubbling from his mouth. "Two souls. . . Toward the truth. . ." he stuttered.
Suddenly, his eyes glowed crimson. "THE TRUTH EXISTS JUST BEYOND THE GATE!" he hissed before his eyes rolled back and he stopped breathing.

read that dialogue. read it. oh god.

the pronunciation guide is cool, i guess. assuming the reader didn't know about the achilles tendon is insulting, though. i know i'm being a hypocrite. shush.

all in all a decent piece of writing that needs some improvement on dialogue and a rework of the combat

BlueJayWalker10 says...

So, first off, I am SORRY that it took me so long to get back to you.
I've been caught up in a lot of stuff lately and haven't had much time to get on, but I'm here now!
The spaces between the periods in my ellipses confuse people. I don't why you all get upset, but it's my writing style. A lot of professional authors (i.e. Brandon Sanderson, Cassandra Clare, et cetera) put spaces there. It's just the writing style.
I know the useless/used is repetitive. But what else could I use there? "Its powers were impractical--emptied on Elden" just doesn't sound right.
As per the [i]tuberous sclerosis[i] comments, thank you for pointing that out! I'm struggling with how to "show" people what's what rather than "tell" and I was still learning the difference until a little while ago.
The other comment: I asked a friend of mine about this (his great-grandmother has the disease) and his GG's eye color was affected due to the disease. It just messes with your pigments and other coloring hormones/genes as a side effect. Changing in eye color, though it may not be common, isn't unheard of either.
Vincent being "brilliant" is supposed to be vague for a while. How else am I going to add mystery to this character? I'm still working on what his entire plan is. . . He's a "discovery character".
Yes, I have explained the other characters. They're the main cast. The first point of view was from the assumed antagonists.
You'll learn why his work was A sneakiness in the next chapter.
There aren't too many "hes". Every single one is Edmond in that sentence. It's perfectly understandable to those who pay attention. Though I guess that's not a common thing these days among teenagers. I should go fix that.
Legolas doesn't shoot his bow properly.
Thank you for pointing out "changed".
THE FIGHTING STANCE IS NOT MADE UP
IT IS A COPYRIGHT NAME FOR "LEFT HALF HORSE" IN KUNG-FU SAN SOO.
I AM TRYING TO PULL IT OFF. BRANDON SANDERSON COULD IN HIS HIGH FANTASY SERIES THE STORMLIGHT ARCHIVE. I CAN TOO.
Full wolf is a copyright name for "full horse", your base, center stance.
I don't even know why I made a copyright name. Every single martial art has the name of "____ horse" for each of those stances. . .
Phantom is supposed to seem like some sort of sloppy D-class bounty hunter in this scene for reasons explained in the next chapter. He really isn't flamboyant at all, if you read the previous chapter.
I had a choice between Darkheart or one of the seven deadly sins (besides Wrath, since that was the king's sword) and Darkheart won out on the voting. Plus, I've played WOW. . . Dark magic spells don't have names like "Darkheart". It sounds more like a boss M.O.B. or a black horse. But I see your point. Too late, though, it's been Darkheart for four chapters. Can't back out now.
I know that most fights happen very quickly. I'm a martial artist. But what would you rather have me do? "They exchanged blows with the swords until Edmond figured out the key and threw a knife into his shoulder. It exploded. The man died".
Nuh-uh, buster.
Okay, then. I need to work on suspense anyway. Thanks for the tip.
Cinder. Take a guess? I know you're coming in mid-story, but it should be easy. Humans don't rear. If a dog reared, would it crush someone? No! Cinder is Edmond's horse. They're introduced in the dash to leave the palace in chapter three. . . And actually, I mentioned one of them earlier in the chapter:

Standing behind him, Richard's stallion Shade shifted from foot to foot nervously--but held his ground as he was taught.

And don't be like one of those people who's like: "Well I want to be able to come in and know exactly what's happening if I decided to start on chapter five", because, WHO DOES THAT. Some people start at the end, but whatever. Not chapter five.
Phantom was supposed to go down like a dumbass, for reasons explained in the next chapter. He's usually much more precise.
Yeah. That dialogue was supposed to be a reference to a couple anime I like (the opening line for Darker than Black's theme song is "Now I've lost it, I know I can kill. . . The truth exists just beyond the gate" and the second opening for Seraph of the End: Battle in Nagoya is "Two souls-toward the truth-") but I decided I'd cut it out since I'll never revisit it.
Yes, true, a lot of people know about the achilles tendon, but a ton of people don't. It's kind of sad how many people my age or older than me have asked me what the achilles tendon is.
Well, it's good to know that it's a "decent piece of writing that needs some improvement".
The dialogue in the end has been removed, so there's that fix. But yeah that fight does need some work.
Thanks for the review!
-Jay

Points: 7
Reviews: 48

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Tue May 03, 2016 8:34 am

Jyva says...

Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

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Sun May 01, 2016 12:03 am

felistia wrote a review...

Hello BlueJayWalker10, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.

Story plot: So this was another great chapter with an excellently written fight scene [the best so far in my opinion]. You are advancing the plot nicely and that last little bit at the end

Spoiler! :

This had me asking so many questions and I look forward to seeing what you do with it in future chapters.

Characters:

"Aim for the joints!" Edmond shouted frantically, realizing how they were going to defeat their friend's dead body. "Tendons, ligaments, places you can hit to incapacitate his limbs!" he yelled.

I really am starting to like Edmond. In the beginning of the story, I thought he came off as a bit of a wimp. But now I see that when he's in real danger he really is skilled and keeps a cool head, looking for his foes weaknesses.

I also really liked the Phantom in this battle the same as the black creature a few chapters back. He really seems to enjoy the battle and the almost sarcastic comments he make continually through out the battle are very entertaining.

Spoiler! :

Lionel's personality is also shaping up nicely. He seems to be more skittish during battle, but when he has instructions, he does them well.

I don't know if you've mentioned Count Vincent Einzbern before? Just wanted to know.

Description: The description through out this chapter was perfect in my opinion. There wasn't so much, but just enough to make the whole chapter flow really nicely. I could see the whole fight and the characters movements. I think more description in the fight scene probably would have been so much, because with the balance you have right now, the fight was fast paced and exciting.

Grammar and punctuation:

Emond charged, impaling

Just a typing error. You missed the d in Edmond.

Visermann said darkly, advancing on his guard head.

I think you meant to say guard's head.

That's all I could find in the grammar area.

Overall it was a great chapter and I will read the next one soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. Tag me when you write the next chapter.

Your friend, Felistia.

P.s Happy review day.

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Well, it's good to know I haven't bored you with WWIL.
I took [i]sooooo[i] long writing this chapter, and I'm strugglig with a bit of writer's block so it might be a while before I post the next chapter. But I'll be sure to keep y'alls posted!
Darn it! How could I leave out an important letter of not even a supporting character but the main character's name? Haha! I guess that's what happnens when you type too quickly on a tablet.
No, actually, I meant what I said with the gard head bit. It's grammatically correct to say that because I'm referring to a person that the head of Visermann's guard. Not Al's head, haha.
Thanks for this revoew!
~Happy review day~

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Oh, and, no. I haven't mentioned Vincent prior to this chapter. Just Visermann and Senri.

Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

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Sun May 01, 2016 12:02 am

felistia says...

Points: 6670
Reviews: 60

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Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:37 pm

Meerkat wrote a review...

Hey, BlueJayWalker. Just me stopping in to check out chapter five.

Grammar, spelling, word choice, and what have you:
-"...short, straight and pale..." Depending on your opinion of the Oxford comma, you may wish to add one after "straight."
-"Elden began to remove Frosts's tack." Is the horse named "Frosts"?
-"he calmly, confidently drew his sword, holding it out to his side." You need a capital H at the beginning.
-"'You killed tried to kill the twins!' Edmond growled." Typo here, either he killed them or he didn't. Unless they're Schrödinger's Twins, I suppose.
-"Emond charged..." This ought to be "Edmond."
-"...hoping to destroy his Elden's sword arm." I know they're the same, but just "his" or just "Elden's" will suffice.
-"Cinder reared, finally loosing his nerve..." This should be spelled "losing."

I'm glad to see some antagonists developing—namely, Vincent and Phantom. It seems you might have several different evil forces coming into conflict, if Visermann needs the boys alive and Vincent wants them dead.

A qualm I had about Phantom was his seeming inconsistency when possessing Elden. One moment he appeared completely normal, and the next he began acting suspiciously vacant and evasive. I'd expect more more from a professional bounty hunter; he should be a better actor. Furthermore, why did he need to possess anyone at all? He apparently has another form he can change into, and could have easily slit his targets' throats from the shadows.

Alright, here's a critique I've had from the start. Edmond, Lionel, Myles, and Richard are all fairly interchangeable characters, and there's nothing majorly unique about any of them. Unless it would ruin Visermann's plans too quickly, I might even suggest killing one or two of the secondary ones off (harsh solution, I know ) or remove them from the story's focus in another way. Alternately, it'd be a good idea to diversify their personalities, so they can be distinguished as more than just "the twins," "the prince with the throwing knives," and "the bow and arrow guy."

Spoiler for what I noticed:

Spoiler! :

Well, I probably missed something, but I hope this review helped sufficiently. Good luck with the rest of your novel, have a great day, and keep writing!

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Hello there, Meerkat!
So I am sitting here, laughing my face off, because I didn't make a Black Butler reference--though I am a fan of it. ('Twas once my fifth favorite anime.)
Vincent was originally supposed to be an ALDNOAH.Zero reference--because he was going to be Slaine Sauzbaam, the adopted son of the late Count Ien Sauzbaam. But I wanted a dark sounding name for this character, so I chose Vincent--from Vincent Rd. on the way to Kung-Fu, and Einzbern from Fate/Zero. (Missed that one!) The character himself was based rather loosely off of Nan Balat from the Stormlight Archive. (Sociopathic tendencies, and perhaps not being quite as sane as you'd think.)
Phantom? He's hired help. My reference is Pandora Hearts again there. Curly black shoulder length hair, golden eyes, black coat, a long face with smooth and sharp features? That is soo[/] Gilbert. But you didn't have to catch that one because you already got the other Gilbert reference. Plus, as far as I know, you haven't read the manga or seen the anime (like I have).
Notes on the book and your antagonist developing comment.

Spoiler! :

Even more spoilers! A quote from my original Words Written in Lightning notes aaaand my thoughts on Blaise (Phantom's) acting.

Spoiler! :

I'm trying to diversify their personalities, but it's five chapters in. I really only know how to character develop over a long period of time. I want to make Edmond reckless, but he holds himself WAAAYYY back because he knows his duties and holds to them, because Rhylath--or at least Alexander--would be thrown into chaos should he die. Lionel is supposed to be an easygoing joker kind of person. Richard wants to act as if he's older than he really is, because that's where his skill level is at. Myles is a playful little thing who is slowly realizing that he can't quite stay in childhood bliss forever. Alexander is a man who is still wounded from his wife's death and is somewhat obsessed with his sons--protecting "Elenore's legacy". Visermann holds something in his past that we don't know about yet and he wants to change that with the power of the Archives. Vincent just wants to see the world burn, starting with Rhylath. I'm still working on Blaise.
Those are their base characteristics, anyway. I know what I want, I'm just figuring out how to incorperate them in the beginning of the story without giving away anything later in the books.
Yup, you were correct on the Alcatraz reference.
BUT I AM SO PROUD
YOU MISSED IT
I mean, very few people would have caught it but you missed it.
When Elden died (again) he shouted "two souls toward the truth" and "the truth exists beyond the gate".
Seraph of the End: Battle in Nagoya (season two)'s theme song is "Two souls -toward the truth-" by fripSide.
The Darker than Black theme, "Howling" by Abingdon Boys School goes:
*Three guitar strikes* Now I've lost it, I know I can kill. *Three more guitar strikes*
*The rest of the band starts to play, baseline starts rockin'* The truth exists just beyond the gate.
Aaand I think that's it. Thanks for this review! See ya next time, Meerkat.
-Jay

Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

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Sat Apr 09, 2016 8:21 pm

Wolfi wrote a review...

Hello! I'm always excited for a new chapter!

The man in black pulled the knife from Elden's body.

"Poor bastard. Just wanted his family back. . ." Vincent said.

When I first read this, I supposed that the guy speaking, Vincent, was the man in black. Try clearing this up a bit, even doing something as simple as saying, "Unbeknownst to the man in black as be pulled the knife from Elden's body, Vincent was standing right behind him, watching.

'Blah blah blah,' Vincent said, suddenly, giving the bounty hunter a start."

though its power were useless--used up on Elden.

Should be either "power was" or "powers were."

His hair changed from short, straight and pale to shoulder-length curly black hair.

First, the doubled usage of "hair" isn't tasteful. Secondly, "changed" is meh, especially for such a thing as a drastic physical transformation. It's good that you didn't choose "morphed" again, since it's already used twice in the paragraph, but you could certainly come up with, again, a more tasteful verb that also helps with your description, something like curled, reshaped, lengthened, or darkened. Simply take one of your adjectives and change it into a verb.

"Took you long enough to kill him, Blaise," he said softly.

Looove that name.

His hair was a blue-ish pale.

This sentence structure makes "pale" a noun and a color, when as far as I know, it can only serve as an adjective. Try this: "His hair was a pale, faint blue." I don't really like the "-ish" either.

He fell info left wolf, holding the sword in front of him with both hands.

Wha...? First, I believe we have a typo on our hands, and second, I don't really remember what the wolf thing is. Some sort of attack method, I guess?

"You killed tried to kill the twins!"

Oops.

Lionel fired two more arrows, both soon sprouting from Phantom's shoulders.

I added that word because technically, Lionel's firing of the arrow and the sprouting of the arrows from the Phantom's shoulders shouldn't be happening at the exact same time.

Cinder reared, finally loosing his nerve, and crushed Elden's arm and upper thigh

Where was the horse this whole time? I would've mentioned that.

That was an epic fight seen if I've ever read one!

Elden coming back really surprised me. I certainly wasn't expecting this Blaise guy to have the power to posses a dead body. What I don't know is why, when he returned, he acted so confused and not at all like Elden. Couldn't he have acted a little better, to gain the best advantage? I'm assuming that Blaise wasn't planning on getting himself (or whatever form he was taking - is he really dead?) killed, but rather planned on killing the prince. I assume he wanted to kill him, at least. Besides killing them or simply freaking them out, I can't think of any other reason why the Phantom would want to visit the royal party in their cave. There's something about setting up Visermann, as well.

I didn't know about the arrows thing. As far as I know from old western culture, it would make sense to remove the thing that killed the person from the person's body. Getting burying with an arrow or an axe still in my gut? No thanks. Clearly, this is a very different culture. Just be aware that many of your readers will not be familiar with the tendencies of your novel's world unless you explain them yourself.

Anyway, I love how Lionel's and Edmond's actions reflect their friendship. They seem so faithful to each other, and that's a refreshing thing.

I loved this chapter, Blue! It was so exciting and these twists and turns are excellent. Keep up the fabulous writing ~

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Hello there, Wolfie! Good to know you're looking forward to reading more of this.
As per the morphing scene. . .
OMG YOU'RE LIKE MY MOM WHEN SHE'S REVIEWING MY WRITING
What, did you take Excellence in Writing as well?
But yeah, I did feel displeased with that paragraph. It felt clipped and blocky to me.
xD As per the "power" comment, I changed that. It originally was "powers were useless--they'd been used up on Elden". Thanks for pointing that out!
I DID mention what "left wolf" was. It was a swordplay stance--based strongly off of "left half horse" in Kung-Fu San Soo, the martial art I do--in chapter three, I believe.

Edmond stepped into the first of the five speedstances he was taught: Left wolf. He stood crouched low with his hands in front of him, gripping the hilt. His left foot was in front, knee bent to the point where he couldn't see his toes. His right foot was behind him, a little over shoulder width apart from his left. The stance was designed in such a way that if he needed to, he could move quickly and even use kicks if needed. In a serious situation, such as if he lost his sword or couldn't use it, he could easily fight with his fists as well.

Because that was about a month ago, though, I'll let it slide.

You asked where the horses were? Yeah. I actually added that bit because I was like: "Err. . . This is meant to be a small cave. The horses were in there with them--Edmond was resting against Cinder. . . I should probably remind you they're still there."
He did act like Elden for a few minutes. It was Snake that threw him off--he didn't know what that was. (I intend on making his character somewhat racist against the Shindo people.)
I was foreshadowing this, saying "though the knife's power was useless--used up on Elden". (Here I'm explaining the knives, which will be a plot point later on in the story.)

Spoiler! :

On the Rhylian case, their culture is more leaning on the side of Eastern (Japanese) culture when it comes to respect for the dead. Though it does have my own spin on it. (Ather is the death god, you see. They respect him very much--he's the only god with priests. If you have a dead person you wish to respect, you only let the priests handle him/her. Could you perhaps help me figure out how to incorporate that information in the story? Preferably in this chapter? Along with the whole Edmond respecting Lionel stoofs.)
Well, it's hard to not be a faithful friend when you've known each other since you were seven! (When Page training beings.) They're sixteen now--they've known each other for over half their lives!
I'm glad to know you like the characters. I'm also happy you like Blaise's name--I spent sooooo long deciding a name for Vincent and Blaise. That was partly what made this chapter take so long! I kept changing the names, haha. Vincent Einzbern was Slaine Raynuit for a long time. Phantom was Echo, then Death, then Spot, then Shade--but I realized that was the name of Richard's horse--then Shadow. . . I put way more time into names than I should! xD
Thanks for the review, Wolfie.
-Jay

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Edmond stepped into the first of the five speedstances he was taught: Left wolf. He stood crouched low with his hands in front of him, gripping the hilt. His left foot was in front, knee bent to the point where he couldn't see his toes. His right foot was behind him, a little over shoulder width apart from his left. The stance was designed in such a way that if he needed to, he could move quickly and even use kicks if needed. In a serious situation, such as if he lost his sword or couldn't use it, he could easily fight with his fists as well.

Because that was about a month ago, though, I'll let it slide.

Spoiler! :

BlueJayWalker10 says...

However, I did only give Phantom roughly two lines of clarity before confusing him with Richard. Perhaps I should change that, since Phantom is supposed to be the best-of-the-best-highly-sought-after-two-thousand-gold-imperii-bounty kind of person.

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Wolfi says...

Hiya, Jay!
Gosh, I like when writers reply to reviews in such an in-depth way. Let me try to reply back now, in kind...
1. Excellence in Writing sounds like a dream class!
2. I do sorts remember the wolf thing, just those info dumps tend to dissolve from my brain very quickly.
3. Still, I feel like he was acting kind of dumb with the Snake thing. Anyone could see that the boys were playing a game. In any case, what you've edited so far is much better.
4. Maybe have the boys bring his body along, slung over Elden's horse if it's there. They can say something like "we'll let the priest deal with him." At the same time, Lionel can remove the arrows and he and Edmond can still have the exchange you're looking for.
5. I feel ya on the names. In the end, you chose good ones!

Wolfi says...

***sorta not sorts

BlueJayWalker10 says...

Oh my goodness. xD
1) Excellence in Writing was a nightmare for me for a long time! I was a third grader--and they expected a seventh grade level of skill from me! It's a homeschooling program Mom used (I'm homeschooled, yeah.) She made sure that I was getting my education! Now I'm a freshman and I'm giving my English teacher college-level arguments--I'm her favorite student.
The funniest thing is I want to become a vet. XD
3) Yeah, I'm thinking about changing Richard's bit up, specifying Snake. That'd make more sense to confuse him, I think.
4) Mmm, that sounds like a good idea. Yes, Frost is still there. They're all trained war-horses! They don't run at battle--that'd be shameful to the king's horse-trainers! Only the finest for his sons and their guard.
5) Why, thank you. Wanna know something funny? In the original draft and my old notes, Edmond was Lionel. Lionel was Rado. But I didn't really feel that those names suited them. Especially because his last name was Ryall. Who the heck would like the name "Lionel Ryall"?
Though I do like the name "Rado Thelac".

Wolfi says...

Something about Lionel really fits his character. Like Lionel the Loyal or something

Rado sounds like more of antagonist's name.

The club Gladiator Workshops has a character name workshop coming up, and it sounds like something you might be interested in. I'll PM you a link in case you'd like to attend.

BlueJayWalker10 says...

When I think Lionel, I think happy, loyal, large. Dangerous when the people Lionel cares about are in danger. Well, like a lion. (The happy part probably comes from me. My real name is Lyons.)

Wolfi says...

Now that is an epic name!

BlueJayWalker10 says...

That's why I almost called Edmond Lionel. But I didn't think that fit my calm, skilled, reckless prince who holds himself back.

Wolfi says...

"Reckless prince who holds himself back" - those are rather conflicting personality traits

BlueJayWalker10 says...

He wants to be reckless but holds himself back, because he knows his duties and place as a prince of Rhylath. I haven't given many pointers as to that fact, though. It's hinted at that when Edmond--a highly trained, young and healthy warrior--leaving himself open enough to an enemy to get a blow off like that, though most probably would have taken that as a show of Blaise's skill.

Points: 1265
Reviews: 40

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Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:50 pm

BlueJayWalker10 says...

I just wanted to tell some of you people concerned about this--yes, I understand that it is disrespecting the dead by so calmly and pretty much casually removing arrows from Elden's body. . . And the fact that Elden's a friend makes it worse.
However, this is my way of showing several things.
1) Lionel has a limited amount of arrows--all of them combined have limited supplies. They only have twelve kensin knives--which are extremely very valuable weapons, really only used by the very rich or highly ranked/skilled--and one has already been used so early in their adventure.
2) Elden betrayed Lionel's trust. I don't know if you people could tell from my really subtle hints, but Lionel had a big betrayal at some point in his life and is suspicious of people who seem too loyal too soon. So, it's Lionel's little way of spiting Elden.
3) Edmond ignored Lionel when he did this, if you didn't notice. The reason why is because Edmond respects his friend Lionel and trusts that he wouldn't disrespect the dead without reason.

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Words Written in Lightning: Chapter 5 [Original Draft]

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