
As mentioned previously, special squadrons will bear their symbol. This is the coat of arms for the elite squadron that protects the princes of Rhylath, the White Lion Squad.
Chapter 3
Into the Storm
King Alexander Ryall, Stowerling Palace, Winterhold
Earlier that Morning
Alexander stroked his beard. His almond eyes looked as if they were lost in another world. He shifted the heavy golden crown that stood atop his head, hoping to make it more comfortable.
He sat on his simple steel throne. Red velvet cushioned the seat. Though it wasn't finely crafted like his crown, it still had a powerful air.
A young squire strode up to Alexander. "Sir Pratt has told me to deliver this message to you, my Lord. A man gave it to him and left." The boy handed him a thin envelope.
King Alexander Ryall of Rhylath, it read. Alexander's muscles tensed as he recognized the handwriting.
If you do not back down and surrender your kingdom to me, I will move my troops in and take it by force. You know I have the numerical advantage. You have three months, lest I come in and remove it from your sorry hands.
It's your fault you're in this position, Alexander. You have spent too much time and resources searching the ruins of Etreith and Ethav for the Archive, and the time has come for you to pay for what you did many years ago.
-King Ellen Trydus of Trysting.
Alexander gripped the note in anger, crushing it.
"Damn you, Ellen. . ." he muttered furiously. Rhylath was already struggling economically. Somebody had decided to make fake silver imperii, making the coin's value drop drastically. Though as far as the king knew, the counterfeits were only in Winterhold and hadn't spread to other provinces.
What am I going to do? I've spread my forces too thin searching for the Archive. I didn't think of how much I was risking, searching for it--oh, Elenore, what do I do. . . he thought worriedly, twiddling with a ring with a simple small diamond on it; his late wife's wedding ring. That damn Ellen. . .
Present Time
"Elden!" Alexander's voice boomed through the chaos, calling for the captain of his sons' royal guard.
A man clad in white and red bearing the White Lion Squad's coat of arms ran forth. The Squad was an elite team within the royal guard that was assigned to protect the princes. Four white stripes on each of his shoulders signified him as the leader.
"Yes, my Lord?" he asked, kneeling.
The look in Alexander's eyes terrified Elden, who was only just now realizing seriousness of the situation.
"Protect my sons."
With a dramatic flip of his black cloak, the king left.
Prince Edmond Ryall, Stowerling Palace, Winterhold
Lionel's tan face paled. He dropped the knife.
"Now is not the time for games, my friend," Edmond said, grabbing Lionel's shoulder and scooping up his friend's fallen knife. "We need to get out of the palace."
"Alas, young prince Edmond, that is the one thing I cannot allow you to do," a voice behind them rasped. Edmond whirled around, throwing the semi-translucent blade at whatever skulked behind him.
The blade--having an unfamiliar length and weight--flew surprisingly accurately, though it missed the creature's carotid artery, which, after much training, was where Edmond defaulted to.
The creature looked vaguely like a corpse that had been withering away for several months. Though it looked to be nothing more than skin and bones, Edmond suspected that it in no way was hurt or malnourished.
The blade passed clean through the creature's shoulder, leaving a small hole.
It did not seem as if the creature had been seriously harmed in any way--just annoyed.
"Why you. . ." it growled.
"I am afraid I cannot allow you to hurt milord Edmond," said a familiar voice behind them. Edmond spun around once more.
Mal stood at the door. He was no longer wearing his coat, but the red and white uniform and armor of a member of the royal guard. He held a large arsteel broadsword in both hands. He smiled grimly. "I've got orders to protect this kid," he said through gritted teeth.
With a battle cry, Mal ran forward, slashing his own blade upward. The creature dodged with ease.
"Lowly humans. . ." it rasped. "I wish you wouldn't throw away your lives so--EASILY!" The creature lunged for Mal but he blocked the move with his blade, taking the creature's hand off. It hissed and backed away momentarily.
Slowly--grotesquely--ligaments, tendons, muscle, bone and sinew grew back. Within seconds the hand returned, the same as it was before.
Mal took a defensive position, holding the sword vertically in front of him. He risked a glance behind him. "Go!" he yelled, throwing himself forward. "Get outta here!"
"We have to help--" Lionel began.
"No, you don't." A hand clamped down on Edmond's shoulder, turning him around to face whoever had grabbed him.
Drenched and dripping, the man who had grabbed him was Mal's superior officer, Elden, who had been recently appointed several months before due to the old officer, Sir Gilbert Nightray, dying in an accident.
His tone was final. "Sir Reynolds is a big boy--he can take care of himself," he said sternly. "Right now, my Lord, your father has told me to get you out of the palace." Elden pulled Edmond out of the room. Lionel hastily followed.
Outside, a major storm raged, the entire palace already flooded with two or three inches of rain. At some point--Edmond couldn't remember in the blur of chaos and rain--a servant had come by and given them each a black oiled cloak to protect themselves from the rain, though they did little to provide shelter from the pounding rain and harsh wind.
"We are to go to the horses!" Elden shouted, grabbing the backs of both the boys' cloaks and leading them to the stables.
Out of nowhere, Myles and Richard, both in cloaks identical to Edmond and Lionel's, came running.
"We are to come with you!" Myles yelled.
"According to father," Richard shouted, "Ash and Shade have already been prepared!"
"Good," Elden said, barely audible. "Because we're at the stable."
Edmond pushed off his hood as he walked into his horse, Cinder's, stable.
Cinder was a powerful, glossy black stallion with a mane like silk and shaggy socks.
"Sorry for the rush, old pal. . ." he muttered, hands flying as he worked the soft black leather of the tack's straps on to his horse.
He led Cinder out of the stables to find the twins mounted on their horses. Lionel strode out with Cobalt.
Cobalt was the half-brother of Cinder. Having the same father yet not the same mother, it was odd how similar they looked. The only difference, really, was that Cobalt did not have shaggy black socks, and that his eyes were cobalt blue--earning him the name of Cobalt.
Elden tossed them each a large sack and saddlebag. "Strap those to the horses!" he ordered. The four boys hurried to do as they were told.
"Move out!" Elden barked. Edmond mounted, walking out of the stables. The rain had yet to let up.
"GO!" Elden bellowed when they were out of the palace gates.
Edmond kicked Cinder into a gallop. He looked back momentarily to make sure that he wasn't leaving everyone else behind, but he quickly realized he needn't worry. His horse was a fine war horse: Fast, but mainly built for endurance. He wasn't going to speed off and leave everyone behind.
"Did you really think you could escape. . . Me?" Edmond felt an unknown weight appear on the saddle behind him.
He almost screamed.
"You. . . ." Elden growled, speeding up so he was riding beside the prince, eyes blazing with the wrath that comes with the helplessness of being unable to protect your charge. "Stay AWAY from Lord Edmond!" he roared, sword in hand.
Edmond could tell he was itching to slash downward and take out the beast, but wouldn't--for fear of hitting his prince. He began to shift his seat in the saddle, hoping that he could possibly throw the creature off balance and give Elden a better shot.
"I. . . think. . . NOT!" the creature rasped in Edmond's ear.
Edmond felt a sinking feeling grow in his stomach as the creature grabbed on to his back and rolled. He helplessly tumbled from Cinder's back, doing all he could to fall properly with a terrifying monstrosity on his back. He gasped as his back slammed into soft, wet mud.
The creature slid out from under him.
Edmond felt a sucking sensation as he tried to pull away, making it more difficult. He let his body go limp.
Cinder stopped, as he was taught, when he felt his master's weight lift from his back. Elden jumped from his white mare, pulling his shield from his back. Though it had been used in battle many times before and bore many scratches and chips, the crest of the White Lion Squad still gleamed pure white and vibrant red on his shield.
Edmond, remembering what to do in situations like this, rolled. He felt a popping sensation as he finally came free of the mud. Though he wasn't yet fully balanced on the mud, he drew his sword. It was part of his training as a squire.
"Remember, it doesn't matter if you aren't one hundred percent able to use your sword, if you are in a situation when your life is in immediate danger and you are still able to hold one, draw it. It will intimidate your opponent--Even if it's momentarily, that could be the difference between life and death."
Pratt's teachings still held true in Edmond's mind.
Edmond shook his head, hoping to clear some of the rain from his face and hair. Mud slid off his oiled cloak and thudded into the ground behind his ankles. His breath come out in white puffs, as did Cinder's and Elden's.
Out of the corner of his eye, Edmond saw Lionel and the twins' horses stop abruptly and turn around, but before the twins could charge into battle after their brother Lionel rode Cobalt in front of them. He held his hand out and shouted a command Edmond couldn't hear, though he could guess: Stay back, lest they get hurt or in the way.
The creature lifted its hand.
The rain stopped.
Edmond stepped into the first of the five speedstances he was taught: Left wolf. He stood crouched low with his hands in front of him, gripping the hilt of his sword. His left foot was in front, knee bent to the point where he couldn't see his toes. His right foot was behind him, a little over shoulder width apart from his left. It was the basic defensive stance of Thei-Ko.
Darkheart gleamed wickedly in the midnight moonlight. The creature hissed and backed away.
Raising an eyebrow, Edmond brandished the sword, swinging it upward in an arc that was more for show than inflicting wounds.
The creature made a low growling noise, bearing its jagged teeth--which were the same color as the rest of itself: Coal black.
"The Midnight Bane. . ." it whispered. "How dare you take up the Nightblood, the Darkheart, for a lowly creature such as me? Blasphemous!" it hissed.
"Ye shoud not be the one to hold the Divine Blade. But a creature such as I cannot take it from--"
A gust of wind passed and the creature vanished, leaving behind wisps of smoke.
The rain started to pound again.
Edmond dropped the sword beside him and fell to his knees, running his hand across his face and through his hair.
He stared at his trembling hands, the once white gloves that covered them now stained with mud.
What. . . . Was that?
I was. . . Useless. . .
"My Lord!" Elden called, riding over on his white mare with Cinder's reins in hand. Seeing Edmond on his knees without his sword, he leapt from his still moving horse with a splash, releasing Cinder's reins. He ran to Edmond, kneeling beside the young prince.
Even though it was some monstrous creature that was going to kill me and my family. . .
Elden gently took Edmond's face into his cold hands, examining him. He furrowed his brow--the dark of the night must have made it difficult for Elden to see Edmond properly, the prince assumed.
"Battle shock," he said at last, releasing the prince.
I really can't believe. . .
"It happens to even the best of soldiers on their first real battle," he said gently.
"Or when they encounter something like that for their first time. . ." Edmond murmured.
Elden patted his shoulder. "My Lord, we need to leave. . ."
Edmond swallowed. "All right." He stood up, shaking the mud off his sword. "Let's go."
______________________________________________________________________________
*Ryall
RE-all.
*Rhylath
RYE-ah-lath.
*Visermann
V-EYE-zer-men. It's a hard v. Vi is one syllable.
*Elden
EL-din.
Eltos
EL-t-OH-s.
*Arsteel
ARE-steel.
*Carotid artery
Now, this isn't a major name or place, but it is something that could easily be mispronounced. The carotid artery is a major artery in your neck. When you place your fingers on your neck to feel your pulse, you are feeling your carotid artery.
CORE-ah-ted ARE-t-er-ie
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Hey there! Here I am again for another review
. Hope I can help ya!
.


..

To start with - love the crest again xD !
Right so... "His almond eyes looked as if they were lost in another world. He shifted the heavy golden crown that stood atop his head, hoping to make it more comfortable." ... I like what you say here- obviously showing that this fella is uncomfortable. But I feel like something else needs to be there- I don't know how to explain it xD. But between the sentence that ends in "lost in another world" and the one that starts with "He shifted the heavy golden crown" I feel like another sentence is needed, including elaboration of being lost in another world but linking to the next sentence too .... If that makes sense? I dunno if it does but hey ho xD ... So maybe something like " His almond eyes looked as if they were lost in another world. Anxiously, he peered up at the golden crown that stood atop his head. He shifted it, hoping to make it feel more comfortable." .. or something , if ya get my drift.
"The boy handed him a thin envelope.
King Alexander Ryall of Rhylath, it read. Alexander's muscles tensed as he recognized the handwriting.
If you do not back down and surrender your kingdom to me, I will move my troops in and take it by force. You know I have the numerical advantage. You have three months, lest I come in and remove it from your sorry hands.
It's your fault you're in this position, Alexander. You have spent too much time and resources searching the ruins of Etreith and Ethav for the Archive, and the time has come for you to pay for what you did many years ago.
-King Ellen Trydus of Trysting."
I like how you included a letter in your writing . You made it flow into the story really well, and it didn't feel like it was just plonked there so well done
"What am I going to do? I've spread my forces too thin searching for the Archive. I didn't think of how much I was risking, searching for it--oh, Elenore, what do I do. . . he thought worriedly, twiddling with a ring with a simple small diamond on it; his late wife's wedding ring. That damn Ellen. . " --- I feel like this should be in italics due to your change in perspective
"The creature " You say this thing looks like a corpse but I feel like a little more description is necessary to build up a good image. Maybe describe something to make the reader feel disgusted, like its rotting flesh or something. And also, why is it even there? xD
"Slowly--grotesquely--ligaments, tendons, muscle, bone and sinew grew back. Within seconds the hand returned, the same as it was before." ooooooo I likey! Do you watch Game of Thrones? See, I'm a GoT fan and it reminds me of the Whitewalkers a little. In fact, this story does have a GoT vibe in my opinion.
"Outside, a major storm raged, the entire palace already flooded with two or three inches of rain" oo pathetic fallacy
I keep getting confused with Elden and Ellen by the way. Personally, I'd keep saying Eleanore instead. To be honest, that sounds more suitable anyway imo
Overall, I like what's going on here! I like how the plot's developing. You portray good villain characters too. And I like the contrast to the last chapter , with Edmond's doubt ,, how "useless" he was in the fight. I will be reading on, so keep writing
Laurennnnnnn
Hello BlueJayWalker10, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
So there was a threatening letter to the king saying that he must hand over his kingdom. I can't wait to see how he handles this. Another big thing that happened in this chapter was the appearance of the mysterious creature and the reaction it had when faced with Dark Heart. This gave a bit of mystery and another reason for the reader to become excited to read more. I am sure there will be more fun stuff in the next chapter. 
I feel that you could bring a bit more suspense in this dialogue since the message is of great importance. In the part You could write like this as an example It would make the reader more excited for what's coming.Story plot: So the plot as advanced dramatically and we are presented with the main problem in the story.
Spoiler
Characters:
Now for the creature. You handled the dialogue really well and every time this thing spoke it sent a chill down my spine. Each word had venom loaded into each note and was really fun to read.
Description: The one thing that I would did have a problem when it came to the creature was the fact that you described it wonderfully in the beginning, but then didn't really recap on those features further in during the chase scene. For example Through out this scene you don't really describe the creatures movements at all, so I am left in the dark. What you could do to change this is I just added a little, but if you applied a little more description on the creature's movements it would make it all the more scarier.
Grammar and Punctuation: I couldn't find any grammar or punctuation problems. >D
Overall another great chapter and I look forward to reading the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
P.S Have you ever read the books or seen the movie Eragon. Your book so far has a similar feel when it comes to your style of writing.
Hello there! First off, thank you for the review!
I kinda left the creature's movements vague on purpose. I want you, the reader, to have the baseline for it, and then imagine for yorself. I know that some people don't like it as much when they have it spelled out for them, and to be honest, I'm one of 'em. Though I could do some more in that department, I realize.
There has been SOO much dispute as to that line. ("A man gave it to him and left".) Originally, it had been, "A man gave it to him and disappeared", but so many people asked if the guards were incompetent or lazy. So I changed it to "left".
I wasn't trying to make it seem as if someone was in a hurry. Actually, that man was supposed to be calm and collected, as if he knew the place and that he was allowed to be there. That man appears later on, so I'll try not to spoil.
Thanks for the review!
-Jay
P.S. I have read the Inheritance Trilogy. I enjoyed it, though, in all honesty, I don't praise it as the epitome of high fantasy as everyone else does. That I save for actual high fantasy--like Mistborn or Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive. However, I do thank you for the compliment! Christopher Paolini is a widely-respected and praised author, and I'm happy to know that my writing style is similar.
Hello, BlueJayWalker10. It's been a while since I reviewed your story. I decided to check up on your writing and see how things were going though. I see you've improved very much since the first time I reviewed your story. I enjoyed this part. The creature was very interesting. On to the review!
Beginning
This was a bit confusing to me only because I haven't read your story in a while. It caught my attention and made me want to read more. I didn't understand, however, how the king knew that the creature would attack and why the guards got there so fast.
Characters
Edmond seemed a bit whimpy only because in the previous chapters he was so cocky. He sparred very well and yet here he seemed to be a coward. Lionel wasn't included very much which disappointed me a bit cause I wanted to see more of him.
[Grammar & Punctuation[/b]
Didn't see any mistakes. I would have pointed it out if I saw some.
Dialog
The dialog is good. I feel like there should be more though. It almost looked like you point too many dots in place of words. There were a lot of dashes too.
Description
You need a lot more. I want to know what the creature looked like. I also didn't feel like I was there but like the story was just written on a piece of paper. Just remember you can never have too much description. Even if you think you've gone over board that's usually not true.
That's it for my review. Nice chapter. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting
Well, kts good to know you enjoyed this work!
So, as per the king, he didn't know te creature would come. Alexander was just as shocked to hear the alarm bells, but managed to keep his composure under pressure. Because the alarm went off, he sent the guards to find and protect the boys. As to why they came so quickly? The entire White Lion Squad (about fifty or sixty men) were searching the palace. Elden, the leader, just happened to be the one to find them. (There's a bit more to it, but I'd be spoiling the next chapters if I continued.
Edmond? A coward? No, no, nonono. He just knows his limits. If you encountered a mysterious creature that was unphased by an arsteel knife to the shoulder, what would you do if you had the option to run? Edmond knows his plade and duty as a prince. He wants to do many things, but holds back because he knows he holds a lot of responsibility in his hands. If your father and kingdom would be thrown into more chaos because you died instead of obeying your father and king, what would you do?
Too many ellipses ("...") and hyphens ("--")? Errg, I need to stop that!
I did describe a lot. Plenty of the palace--especially the area they were in--was described in the previous chapter. I also said what the creature looked like:
Thank you for the review! And I'm happy to know you're enjoying it more now. I think this story just needed to get moving, y'know?
-Jay
Yeah, thanks for clearing those things up for me. xD
No problem!
Hey, BlueJayWalker, it's me again. Chapter three review coming up!
Grammar, spelling, word choice, etcetera:
-"...White Lion Guard's coat of arms ran forth. The White Lion Squad..." Which is the official title? The Guard or the Squad?
-"...the leader of said squad." Here, I'd just say "the leader of the squad" instead. The "said" reads awkwardly.
-"...only just now realizing seniority of the situation." I don't think you used the word "seniority" quite correctly here. Perhaps you meant "the seriousness" of the situation?
-"the blade...flew surprisingly accurate..." This should be "accurately."
EDMOND used THROWING KNIFE!
It's not very effective...
(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
-"Recently appointed several months before due to the old officer, Sir Gilbert Nightray, had died in an accident." This is a fragment. It needs a subject reference back to Elden.
-"...grabbing the backs of both the boy's cloaks..." This should be "both the boys' cloaks."
-"Cinder was powerful, glossy black stallion..." You need the word "a" after "Cinder was."
-"...a command Edmond couldn't couldn't hear..." The word "couldn't" is repeated.
-"...take up the Nightbood..." Is this meant to be "Nightblood"?
-"Ye shoud not be the one..." This should be "should," not "shoud." Additionally, why the sudden "ye"? The creature uses modern language pretty much everywhere else.
Random Note:
-"He stood up, sheathing Darkheart." Okay, I get that Edmond has been through a trying ordeal, but he's still a highly trained warrior. His blade has just been lying in the mud and muck, and he puts it right back in its scabbard without cleaning it off? For shame.
Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky:
Oh, BlueJayWalker10. Trying to slip in little hidden references, are we?
*dons detective cap* From your avatar, I deduced you were a fan of anime. My curiosity was further piqued by the name of Gilbert Nightray—a distinctly peculiar one. A quick search, courtesy of Google, yielded something highly interesting...Gilbert Nightray is none other than a character from an anime called Pandora Hearts!
This was not the end of your tricks, however. A passing allusion to "Sir Reynolds" was more than enough to cause my suspicions to rise. What was the man's first name? Why, Mal, of course! The evidence all points to one thing, my dear friend, and that is that you must be a fellow Firefly fan.
What other mysteries lurk in this story? Rest assured, I will be on the hunt. For now, however, I present to you two cases solved. *bows with a flourish*
In all seriousness, though, this chapter was a nice improvement of action and intrigue. I'm still not very invested in the characters themselves, but at least the plot is getting more complex. Once again, I recommend focusing on subjects' significance to the story rather than descriptions of what they look like. It would really add some more depth to your world and help the reader form a deeper connection.
Keep writing, and have a great day!
Hey hey hey!
Thanks for reviewing my work!
Pointing out that I had called them the Guard and then called them the Squad--thanks! I originally called them the White Lion Guard, but then changed the name. Guess I didn't catch that one!
I think my brain just exploded! I wrote the majority of this chapter on my Samsung Tablet--so I guess I missed a bunch of errors!
But still, I went searching for errors on my computer--so I have no idea how the heck I missed all of them! xD
Your random note.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO HAVE HIM CLEAN IT OFF XD I even remember thinking while writing that Oh, the muck and such should at least be shaken off before he places that back in his scabbard.
And it seems even then I forgot. LOL
And finally.
"Sneaky sneaky sneaky. . ."
YOU SIR, ARE AMAZING. I THINK I MADE A NEW FRIEND.
I love to slip in little refrences to things--I'm a huge Pandora Hearts fan. I decided, Hey! Since I can't think of a name. . . *Slips Pandora Hearts reference in*
Well well well. Took you long enough to realize it was Mal! I said sergeant, Mal, brown coat--should have been easy enough.
BUT
From your Stormlight Archive mention, I realize you are a fellow Sanderson fan--which is all fine and dandy with me!
BUT YOU DIDN'T CATCH THE NIGHTBLOOD
Nightblood. . . Shoulda figured out how to slip a "Vasher" in there somehow.
Or, have you not read Warbreaker?
If not, then, please, forget I said anything. xD
*Bows with a flourish*
Hope you can catch all my sneaky references!
And thanks again for reviewing my works--I'm lookin' forward to seeing you review chapter four, if you choose to do so.
-Jay
Hi, Jay. (Do you prefer Jay or BlueJayWalker?)
Anyway, I'll probably get to chapter four in a day or two, if that's fine.
I know I should have recognized Mal earlier, but I kept thinking he was going to be a surprise antagonist ("Mal"="bad," you know). As for Sanderson, I haven't actually read any of his novels; I just like to do my research. Maybe I'll check out his books sometime. Or perhaps not, it will make finding your clues more of a challenge.
I look forward to chapter four's treasure hunt. Who knows? I might slip a reference into my review itself...muahahahaha!
Bye.
I don't mind either--I go by lots of nicknames. My sisters call me Panda, and online I'm known by Jay or BlueJay. Call me whatever fits, really. I don't much care. xD
Totally fine! I don't mind if it takes a while for you to make a review.
Am I really that cliche? I mean, I speak Latin--I use Latin names for transmutation circles in a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction I wrote--and I know that Mal means "bad". . .
So, was Stormlight Archive a peculiar name? Like oh, I dunno. . . Gilbert Nightray?
Brandon's books are fantastic, though they're high-level for reading. I'm only fourteen, but I have a reading level that's through the flippin' roof. . . So I read a lot of adult fantasy as to not get bored. (Especially his Stormlight Archive series.)
Go ahead and just try. I dare you. NOBODY slips references to series I've seen that I can't catch, haha!
-Jay
I had no idea you had a new chapter out, so good think I checked!
Notes as I read
Throwing it where? I know a few sentences later that it's clarified that he throws it at the creature, but we need to know right here.
That seems kinda out of place. Why would he bother to say all that? The "You see" especially seems a bit too placid for a guy to say who's just about to attack the creature, like he's trying to explain why he's qualified to fight.
Already? I can't imagine more than half an hour had passed from the time of the party to the siren going off. There's some sort of a transition missing with the weather, because it's unlikely that it would have started raining so suddenly and harshly with no warning. Perhaps at the party you can mention that cold winds were beginning to blow, ushering Edmond inside all the more, and while he and Lionel started throwing their knives they could hear pattering on the roof or see the beginnings of a storm out the window. Either that or make sure more time goes by, to warrant the two or three inches of rain.
My goodness, that's terrifying! Great writing ^^
Oh. That's why the rain was so sudden, huh? I should have known you better; you don't make many mistakes in your writing. :p In any case, because the rain was, indeed, very sudden and very strong, due to this creature's power, Edmond should probably be wondering (when he first sees the storm) how such a beautiful day could turn so terrible or why he didn't hear the pattering of raindrops on his window.
There's just two typos ~
and
After reading
I think that you could work on showing your character's emotions a little bit better. You started to probe into Edmond's utter shock when he dropped his sword in the mud and looked at his trembling hands, but you could have gone further than that. By just telling the reader what Edmond looked like and what he was doing, it was hard to actually determine why he was doing that (until he told Elden that he was shocked). I actually thought at first that it was something the creature did to him as he left, like a curse of sorts, to make him collapse in the mud. Take a little more time to let the reader know what's going on his head so we can get to know him and, of course, know what he's thinking about right there.
Speaking of that creature, I'm extremely intrigued by its presence. Even though these chapters have been titled as pieces of fantasy, this creature is the first sure sign of this novel's fantastical nature. Where on earth does it come from? It's creepy! (Again, your writing style you adopted while describing its creepiness is excellent.) Since we only just had that strange encounter with Senri and Visermann, I'm thinking it has something to do with them and the archives.
What happened to Lionel? Once Edmond and the others start riding off, the only two people you frequently mention as being present are Elden and Edmond himself.
What an exciting chapter! I'm really impressed with all these conflicts and adventures you've conjured up already, so early in the novel. I already could tell in the first chapter, but this book really has a lot of promise! Don't forget to let me know when you post the next part.
Keep up the excellent writing, Blue~
Thanks for writing this review! It's always a pleasure to read your comments.
About what's going on with Lionel and the twins, I believe I did say.
Yeah, right here.
"Edmond saw Lionel and the twins' horses stop abruptly and turn around, but before the twins could charge into battle after their brother Lionel rode Cobalt in front of them. He held his hand out and shouted something Edmond couldn't understand, though he could guess: Telling them to stay away, lest they get hurt or in the way."
And, thanks a lot for pointing out my grammatical errors. xD The Mac's keyboard (I'm a PC person but our PC is down at the moment) is really small compared to my hands. And the PC's keyboard.