Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 1
Impending Danger
A magical archive stood, pulsing with energy--filled with the knowledge of the gods.
The Goldstorm Archive.
The Lost Knowledge.
In a great and bloody battle between two brothers that wiped out the kingdoms of Ethav and Etreith, the Goldstorm Archive was lost.
****
Prince Edmond Ryall, Stowerling Palace, Winterhold
Edmond ducked, dodging another strike from Pratt's fist. He tried to follow with a roundhouse kick, but Pratt, old and wispy he may be, managed to slap it out of the way.
"Faster!" he shouted. "Sixteen ain't that old--you're supposed to be springy!" he did a butterfly kick and clipped Edmond's side.
"I'm not, the highest degen, silver belt," Edmond panted, lifting his forearms to block another blow from his master. "And, why--" Edmond was cut off as Pratt managed to get a blow off in his kidney area.
Pratt pretended to wipe dust off his hands, stepping back. "Kid, you've asked me that twice. You're going to be wearing that--" Pratt kicked Edmond's pearl white cloak absently "--and your silver sapphire crown all the time, right?" Pratt asked, though he already knew the answer.
"Yes," Edmond wheezed.
"Then you've got to learn to fight in them."
"How come you get to wear your silver gi?" he asked for the first time.
"Because I'm the master. Because I'm the highest damn ranking in Thei-Ko besides Grand Master."
"Then why did you start me wearing those?" Edmond pointed to the other squires wearing the black gi that was traditional for their martial art.
Pratt sighed, grabbing and lighting a cigar. "Because you were seven couldn't learn to fight otherwise," he said gruffly. "But now, you're a third-degen gold belt. So shut it." He turned his head to the side and puffed a breath of smoke. "Keep at it for another year or so and you'll get your silver."
How come he gets to talk to me like that? he wondered. Edmond sighed, standing up and scratching the back of his neck.
"Kid, be happy I'm not making you keep that crown on during the fight."
"Why did I come here to unload my anxiety?" Edmond muttered, leaving the room to prepare.
Today he was to be knighted by King Alexander, having served as his squire for many years.
Edmond picked up his crown, running his sweaty fingers over the carved metal, checking to see if it was damaged. Most people didn't really look at him, anyway--they stared at symbols of Rhylath's crown prince.
"Edmond!" a man called. He turned with a start, but loosened up when he saw who it was.
Lionel was a good friend from his knight training--they had met when they were simple pages at the age of seven. Lionel's father, Siris Thelac, was the Duke of Esterwood.
Lionel was putting away his bow and walking down the range to pull his arrows from the target.
"You're a fine hand with the bow, aren't you?" Edmond asked, strolling over.
In all the nine years Edmond had known Lionel, his black curly hair never seemed to be in order.
"It's about the only thing I'm good at," he said with a laugh. "While you're up there with your gold belt and blowing old Pratt over there away with your throwing knife skills, I'm still at my blue belt."
"You're at the least needed to become a knight," Edmond said. "At least you tried. The others just got their red belt and all but quit Thei-Ko."
"So what? It doesn't matter how hard I've been trying--I can't master the techniques with all the fancy butterfly kicks and flips." Lionel turned to face Edmond.
"Mate," Lionel said slowly, staring into Edmond's icy blue eyes. "Your features aren't as sharp as usual. You feeling all right?"
Edmond glared at him. "Lionel. You did not just make fun of the face that belongs Rhylath's next king."
"Problem, my liege?" Lionel asked sarcastically.
What happened to formality? Edmond shook his head.
Edmond's younger brother, Myles ran up behind him.
"I found out that you get nervous in large crowds," Myles said. "Especially large ceremonies. You'll turn your hair from the color of dark to milk chocolate if you get too stressed."
Edmond pretended to ignore him, patting Myles's umber hair absently. "That's nice," he said.
"Apparently it was because--"
"NOTHING," Edmond said quickly, shooting a glance at Lionel to make sure he hadn't heard. "All right," he said at last. "What do you want?"
"I heard that taking a walk in the courtyard is a good way to calm yourself."
Edmond turned with a start, facing his brother. "Myles, I don't--" he began.
"I will tell Lionel about your large-crowd fail."
"Fine!" Edmond threw his hands up in the air. "I'll go walk there. Tell the servants to fetch me there when the ceremony starts."
****
Has it really been eight years? Edmond wondered, trying to remove his thoughts from the ceremony while he walked to the courtyard.
His mother, Elenore, had died in an accident shortly after giving birth to her fourth and final child, a young daughter that his father had decided to name Kathrine, after Elenore's mother. When she passed, the king had grieved greatly--for his delicate queen had been his only fervor, and he had never loved or desired another woman.
Oh, I wonder how she would feel if she saw me, or even Father now. Edmond had only been eight when his mother died. The twins, Myles and Richard, being the tender age of four, did not understand the way of the world and were not too upset by the loss of their mother--Edmond, though, had taken a devastating blow by the loss.
Mother had always wished for many children. . . If only we weren't at the brink of war. Then Father wouldn't have been gone so often. . . he thought sadly.
Because of their rocky relationship with Trysting, the king had often been out of his kingdom, trying to make treaties with other kings. But, after their mother died, he stopped going out so often. He valued his children, but more as a memento of his late wife more than anything else.
Edmond was so lost in the past that he crashed right into another man.
He looked at Edmond. "Sorry, milord," the man said, taking a step back. "Didn't see you there--I was trying to reach my commander." He gestured to the man in red giving commands to a set of men.
"No need to apologize, Sir. . ?" Edmond asked.
"Just call me Mal."
"Well, no need to apologize. . . Mal."
The sergeant bowed, then left the room.
The courtyard pathways were made of white marble, opening up into a big circular area rimmed by a few trees here and there.
Edmond stood at the edge of the courtyard. A bird flew by with a few twigs in its beak, heading for the pine trees off to his left.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, smelling the fresh scent of the trees with the cool breeze running through his hair, the trickle of water from the fountain calming him. It was one of the few precious moments of peace Edmond had received since his mother had passed.
Edmond reluctantly opened his eyes and turned around. Myles's twin had walked up behind him. Richard and Myles were identical twins--so the only way to tell them apart was the way they did their hair and what clothing they were wearing.
Richard, attempting to be the more mature of the two, had his hair combed and slicked back. It was a futile attempt to look older than he really was.
"Your shirt matches the pine tree's needles over there, Richard," Lionel commented, walking into the courtyard. "See? Same color."
"So much for me calming down with the peace, eh?" Edmond asked tiredly. Just what I needed--the other twin, he thought.
"I couldn't resist. Being able to foil Myles's plan to calm you?" Richard and Myles, being twins, always had to outdo each other in one way or another.
"I guess there's no hope for getting you to leave?" Edmond sighed. "Oh well."
A servant stepped out into the courtyard. "My Lord, the knighting ceremony is about to start. Both you and Lord Thelac are to come with me to the throne room," he said. Edmond looked at Lionel, who shrugged.
"Yes, yes, my good man, take us there," Lionel said with a smile. With a nod to Richard, Edmond and Lionel left.
Well, here goes, Edmond thought.
______________________________________________________________________________
A/N: Hello!
So, I was going through these chapters, seeing if I wanted to edit anything, and then I realized:
I should add a pronunciation guide. You see, I use names that aren't all American, and some of these I just felt I should help people pronounce because I've learned that there are just idiots out there.
I'll have a slowly building guide as new names and such come in during the chapters.
*Ryall
RE-all.
*Rhylath
So, this being a derivative of the royal family's last name you'd assume that it's also French.
It's not.
And I don't pronounce it the same way.
RYE-ah-lath.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there ! As promised, here is the revieeeeew! I'm genuinely really glad I read this - I honestly think you've got a knack for writing. Especially, your dialogue - as that is what most of this chapter included. It flowed so well, and I like the way you incorporated slang, and a little bit of sarcasm. It made it seem very realistic, and believable as a story. So well done!
I also really enjoyed the plot of this, and am intrigued to see the link between your quick introduction at the beginning.. I'm also really interested to see what happens in regards to Edmond's future.. Especially the ceremony, I'm not sure why, but I feel as if something bad may happen there. And alsoooo, I like how you incorporated the history involving his mother, and I hope that has relevance to the later plot.
I must say, I'm finding it difficult to find any critiques with this.. Which is quite an achievement if you compare it to some of my other reviews xD .. So well done xD ! You have no spelling errors, and punctuation is great.
There is actually one nitpick I could suggest to you. You do a splendid job of building a picture in regards to characters and their relationships.. However, your imagery of setting lacks a little bit in my opinion. I mean, it is there, and when it is it's great, but I feel like you could boost it a little more
But overall, this was amazing ! I will of course be reading on , and I hope you like the Watching
-Lauren
Yo, Jay! I finally have the time to participate in a Review Day and, therefore, read and review WWIL! (Woah. WWIL can also stand for World War Forty-nine D:)
Is this part at the beginning your back-of-the-book synopsis thingy? If so, I like it. Were you to make it longer, it could use a bit more depth, perhaps briefly introducing your main character(s) and what they're going to do about the Archive.
Indeed, you somewhat introduce the conflict in that the Archive is lost. But why is it so necessary to mortals? Is it necessary at all? Will we see the main character trying to find it? Another thing to watch, however, is mentioning too many things, especially character names, place names, and, in this case, kingdom names. The words themselves (Ethav, Etreith, or even the name Edmond) aren't going to mean as much to a bookstore-browser as the content (conflict, motives, setting, and main character) will.
This quote/action dialogue is really nice and reads smoothly. Fifty, though? I wasn't aware that the ages were skewed. Be careful with this - you don't want your reader to picture Edmond as a middle-aged man! At least, I don't suppose so... Did you drastically change his age or something?
This quote/action thingy, on the other hand, isn't as great, mostly because it's awfully choppy. For-the-part-that-looks-like-this, I imagine that Edmond's deflecting or lunging with his sword between each word. But then you say that all he does is lift his forearm to block a single blow. Maybe say something along the lines of this, instead: "Edmond panted, struggling to parry each blow that rained upon him." The "And, why--" bit is awkward, too. For one thing, I don't like that you're getting information across to your reader in this fashion, by having your characters ask questions "again" even though the mentor has supposedly already answered them. Just one or two is okay and somewhat natural, but depending on it entirely is just info-dumping. Remember, at this point in the story, it's more important to get to know the characters than getting to know the world.
This is a lot better. You're concentrating more on character personality than info stuffs.
A good friend? Is that all? To me, Lionel deserves more than that.
Isn't Lionel standing right there when he says that? I would imagine that Edmond would at least shoot an embarrassed glanced towards him, if that is so.
And therefore, if eight years have passed since she died, Edmond is sixteen. Where did the fifty-year-old thing come from?
That should be capitalized. I should also think it's spelled as "M'lord."
Bad guy alert! I know you put this guy in here for a reason, and the fact that his name is Spanish for "bad" confirms that. :p
Good characterization. After knowing how much suffering he's gone through since his mother's death, such reluctance to depart from an atmosphere of peace makes a lot of sense.
What I would like to see more of in this chapter is a better establishment of the conflict. Besides that little intro thingy, which is more of a prologue/synopsis thing than part of the chapter, there isn't any mention of the Archives. That's what this book is all about, right? I guess it's optional, but think about what Edmond knows about the Archives, and how they could be mentioned, at least once, in this chapter.
Besides that, I quite like this so far! Like I've said before, beginning your novel with action is always a nice hook. Even though Edmond isn't in any sort of danger because he is only practicing with a mentor, the shorter sentences that usually accompany action scenes are easier to read and less boredom-inducing. For that note, choppy sentences are a good thing!
I can really feel for Edmond and his motherless family. Edmond's still mourning her death, and it seems like his life still hasn't calmed down (quite the opposite, actually, with his knighting and all!). Speaking of Elenore's death, will we be seeing Kathrine ever? I don't remember her at all from the first draft. Even though she'd only be eight years old, I'd love to see an important female character in this book.
Overall, it looks like you're off to a excellent, fresh new start with this chapter! Please write more, alright? I'm excited to see where you're going to take this novel, especially with the Archives and all. In the first draft, we didn't hear much about them besides when the king worried over them.
Best of luck with your writing!
So I had to edit my review and I guess this posted twice so don't mind that ~ Well done
(review below)
May I just say though, that I really liked this piece.
Spoiler
Editing Editing Zone
Lovely first part, however, I notice you use "--" a lot and although it has some effect, I think you could use something different. Repeating this may get boring to some readers.
For example, here.
"Faster!" he shouted. "Fifty ain't that old;You're supposed to be springy!" he did a butterfly kick and clipped Edmond's side.
or
"Faster!" he shouted. "Fifty ain't that old.You're supposed to be springy!" he did a butterfly kick and clipped Edmond's side.
This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Perhaps a typo?
"Because when you were seven you couldn't learn to fight otherwise,"
I'm not sure that's what you meant, but I placed those words there because that's what it seems you were looking for.
For this, it's a simple fix.
Edmond glared at him. "Lionel. You did not just make fun of the face that belongs to Rhylath's next king."
I really liked this imagery, just thought I should say
Again, just a simple fix here. The spaces between the periods indicate a long pause to me, however, never do you see spaces between periods in an actual book. There's usually a piece between the words that says something along the lines of "there was a long pause" or something about awkwardness.
So here are just a few suggestions:
"No need to apologize, Sir?" Edmond asked fumblingly.
or something along those lines. Then:
"Just call me Mal."
"Well, no need to apologize, Mal."
With the last dialogue, you don't even need the ". . ." because now that Edmond knows the name, he can just go on and say it. The pause is certainly unneeded but if wanted for an awkward moment, it can find it's way in the story.
Leaving Editing Zone
Entering Compliment/Conclusion Zone
Alright, so I hope I helped just a tad bit. I really did like this piece and I can't wait to read more, so continue writing beautifully. You wrote an amazing piece and I do see great potential with this, so great job.
Eternity out~