Chapter 4
Man of Shadows and Secrets
King Alexander Ryall, Ryall Manor, Whiteridge
"Where-are-MY-SONS!" Alexander bellowed, clipping off the end of each word. "Visermann, I trusted you once--I gave you one chance--to protect Elenore's legacy. . ." he took a deep breath, his face turning as red as his jacket. "And THIS is what happens!" he slammed his fist into the fine mahogany table, making his glass of whiskey and Visermann's wine jump. He heaved a great sigh of frustration, falling into a chair with a thud. "And now the three people who would truly carry on her memory are missing," he said, having finished his rant.
Visermann took a step back, looking almost nervous. "Recall, Alex, you--"
"Don't call me by that name," he growled, tightening his grip on the chair's armrests. "You don't have the right to any more."
"Just as I gave up the right to the throne?"
"Ha! You knew what would happen, Visermann." He ran his hand across his face. "You practically gave the throne to me."
Wisely, Visermann stayed silent.
There was a long pause before anyone spoke again.
"Your boys should be fine," Visermann said at last. "They should be coming here any minu--"
"You said should," Alexander said softly. "Why would there be a should in that sentence?"
"My Lord--" Visermann began.
Alexander grabbed the lapel of Visermann's fine velvet suit, pulling Visermann's face towards his.
"You never call me 'my Lord'. What's your game?" he said, struggling to keep his tone quiet and level.
Some faraway piece of Alexander knew that he was probably making a mistake. Adding should to a sentence didn't make it sinister, and it surely didn't mean that Visermann was unsure of his sons' safety. It could have just been part of his form of speech, or a poorly worded sentence.
But Visermann wouldn't make a slip like that.
Visermann flashed Alexander a serpentine smile.
"I have no game, brother," he said. "I was simply trying to tell you that the man who is watching your sons--"
Alexander jerked Visermann's coat. "Are you saying, that you put the blood of Rhylath, Elenore's only legacy, in the hands of an incapable man!?" the king of Rhylath shouted. "The only reason I appointed Elden as the leader of the White Lion Guard after Gilbert died was because you suggested it!"
Everything he says is so cold and calculated.
"No, I simply meant--"
He's not the kind of person who speaks before thinking. Quite the opposite.
"Know your place, Visermann!" Alexander snapped, shoving Visermann as he released the prince.
"Elden and the boys will be arriving any minute now, Alex--"
Alexander shot him a death glance.
Visermann sighed. "Fine," he said exasperatedly, throwing his hands in the air. "Be that way." He left the room, gently shutting the door.
Alexander picked up the glass of whiskey, swirling it, staring into the fireplace.
Redwood, huh? Alexander thought. Burning redwood means something bad is about to happen. . .
He downed half the cup, sitting back down and slouching in his seat, not bothering to care that his uniform was askew.
Prince Edmond Ryall, Whiteridge
The rain had finally stopped.
Edmond shuddered as Cinder splashed into another icy cold puddle of mud.
I'm really working Cinder here, aren't I. . . Edmond thought. They'd been riding for at least two hours at a canter, only fifteen minutes ago slowing to a brisk trot. Built for endurance though he was, Cinder wasn't going to be able to last much longer.
"How far?" Edmond yelled to Elden.
"To get to the location Lord--" he cut himself off, as if he were about to say the wrong name.
". . . Alexander," Elden said slowly, deliberately, "ordered me to take you. . . ." he looked to his left, stopping his horse and signaling for the boys to do the same. "We're here."
****
"Here" turned out to be a hollow in a hill.
"Wish we had some straw to rub down the horses with," Richard commented. For reasons unknown, he'd always been soft towards animals.
"Well, they can do without for now," Lionel said. "Though you are right--they'll be sore and cold for a while without proper treatment. . ."
Upon opening the bags they were given, the boys found out that they were filled with basic survival supplies for both them and the horses.
Sadly, due to the rain, they had been unable to start a fire. But at least they'd been able to get out of the winds, and the packs had held a change of clothing--so they were now semi-dry, and a little warmer.
Edmond sat, pressed up against a sleeping Cinder, carving away at an apple with one of the knives they had. Darkheart sat propped up in its sheath against the wall, arm's length from where he sat.
Edmond bit into a piece of his apple. "So. . . What now?" he asked. He knew he should stay awake--battle shock could leave him incapacitated unless he knew absolutely nothing was wrong.
But Cinder's breath and heat are so calming. . . And his soft, silky hair feels just--so good. . .
Myles was asleep, curled up in a blanket several feet away from Edmond. Richard, at some point, curled up in a blanket of his own next to Myles.
Lionel looked up from putting resin on his bowstring. "What now. . ." he muttered.
When did he grab his bow? Edmond wondered. It was probably put in his pack.
Edmond's second set of throwing knives--made of kensin, a shiny topaz-colored metal that exploded when wet--had been inside their waterproof case within his own pack.
"I don't know." Lionel put the resin away and got out a soft cloth, wiping the water from the wood.
Elden was playing some sort of game with a circle he drew in the dirt and a set of colored rocks. It was littered with many different shades of green.
"What're you doing, Lord Provost?" Lionel asked.
Elden coughed nervously. "You needn't call me Lord Provost. It's really not that high a rank--I only have the authority of a viscount."
"Still," Lionel said. "Though my father is a duke, I do not hold his power." Lionel reached over and grabbed one of Edmond's apple slices, popping it into his mouth before returning to caring for his bow.
"Yet you will, someday," Elden said. "And you still hold more authority than me. You're basically an earl without the title."
"It's a Shindo game, I believe," Edmond intervened. "Snake or something. You throw rocks into a circle and try to get as many of the same color connecting into a swerving line--or, a Snake."
They sat in silence for a while, the only noise being the clacking of Elden's rocks and the dripping of rainwater from the cave's entrance.
Elden stood up abruptly. "I'm going out for some fresh air." He paused, then looked at Edmond.
"Don't follow me."
He mounted his mare, then left the shallow cavern.
Elden Drusillus, Ryall Manor, Whiteridge
Elden pulled back on the reins, stopping his white mare. He sighed, hoping that he hadn't been gone too long. Though the sun had come up while they were in the caves, the clouds and mist were shrouding the sun, leaving Elden without way to keep track of time.
"Hush, Frost," he whispered, putting the reins in one hand and petting Frost's coarse neck with the other. His breath and Frost's came out in thin white puffs, barely visible. Elden shivered. "It's all going to be. . . Okay."
He dismounted.
"You're late," said a deep voice. Elden turned with a start.
A man wearing a dark coat bearing the symbols for a colonel walked from the dark.
Elden saluted, realizing that this was an officer of much higher rank.
"Are the boys where Visermann told you to take them?"
"Yes, sir."
"Don't 'sir' me. I was discharged with dishonor." He sniffed. "I don't like the title anyway."
Odd, Elden thought. Why is he wearing that coat, then?
"Where is my family?" Elden asked abruptly.
"You failed to come in time. They're dead."
Elden stepped back, hand on the hilt of his sword. "No."
The man in black took out a cigar and snapped his fingers beneath it.
It lit.
Elden's eyes widened. He swallowed nervously.
Elden suddenly unsheathed his sword, charging forward, swinging it in an upward slash. The man dodged easily.
Almost lazily.
What the--Elden thought. He tried again.
The man sighed, dodging Elden's second attack. He dropped his cigar and ground it out with the ball of his foot. "I liked that cigar, you know," he complained.
Elden stumbled back, his fury dying down, fear taking its place.
"Well, this is taking longer than it should. . ." the man muttered. His arm twitched.
At first, Elden didn't realize anything was wrong.
Then he felt it. Searing pain, just below his left breast.
He tried to speak, but blood flowed out of his throat instead of words.
Must have. . . Punctured a lung. . . But--When?
Elden looked down, and finally saw the the crimson knife sprouting from his chest.
A particularly strong gust of wind blew by, and the man's hat went flying off.
The man had black hair and gold eyes. He had a long chin and sharp features.
That face morphed, becoming a very pale man with pale white hair and red irises. He had a strong chin and a rounded jaw. A man by the name of Harris Drusillus. Elden's brother.
He died four years ago.
"What-are-you?" Elden couldn't get the words to form.
"Tsk tsk." The man bearing Harris's face looked at the hat blowing in the breeze. "Don't worry, my young Drusillus. . . I'll make sure your corpse goes to good use."
Elden's world went dark.
______________________________________________________________________________
Pronunciation Guide:
*Ryall
RE-all.
*Rhylath
RYE-ah-lath.
*Visermann
V-EYE-zer-men. It's a hard v. Vi is one syllable.
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Hi BlueJayWalker10, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful evening.
I know from reading a few of the reviews below that this dialogue has given you a lot of trouble. Oh well, here comes more. I feel that it would sound better if you either took out or I think it would read better after that.Story plot: The story is thickening nicely and has plots and characters coming in from all directions. I look forward to knowing more about this man in black and what his part in the story is. He sounds sinister.
Characters:
The characters are starting to develop their personalities nicely and for the most part your dialogue is excellent.
Description: I know that you said that you don't like to use too much description, but I really think that you should put in a bit more because I'm starting to feel like I'm in the dark when it comes to reading this story. I can't image where the characters are and it is starting to get a bit annoying. It would really help to add just a bit of description between the dialogue to slow the conversations and to break it up a bit. I find that this is the main problem in you story because it is making the story cloudy for me. I am getting confused on who is talking and I really think you need more description. If you need help with the description though, please don't be afraid to ask for help.
Grammar and Punctuation: I think this should be one paragraph.
Overall it was another great chapter and I will read the other one soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
First off, thanks for this review!
Yeah, I know I need to--wait.
I described lots here. The table was mahogany. Visermann was drinking wine. His suit was a dark, saturaed blue and velvet. Alexander's uniform was askew.
The rocks were colored. The feeling Edmond felt of wanting to sleep against Cinder.
There was plenty of description! An that's just the first few paragraphs. Ah, well. I should still add more. XD
As per the paragraph, I felt that was out of place. Thank you for pointing that out!
-Jay
I am really sorry that I sort of ranted in this review. I was having a really bad day. I found out that I have to move again for the seventh time in five years so I was a bit angry. Sorry again. I promise that the next review will be much better.
Ah, it's okay. I rant when I'm angry or sad/on the edge of loosing it as well. Good luck in the move!
-Jay
Greetings, BlueJayWalker. We meet once more.

Grammar, spelling, word choice, etcetera:
-"...the right to anymore." The most proper form to say this is "any more," with two words.
-"...an should in that sentence?" This needs to be written as "a 'should' in that sentence?"
-"They'd been riding for at least two hours at a full gallop." Here's the thing: unless Cinder is magical or something, that horse would be very, very dead. A typical (fast!) gallop for a horse is about 40mph. So Cinder just covered eighty miles. Back in the days when most people still used horses for transportation, thirty or forty miles a day was considered a good distance. Horses can gallop for only about four or five miles, maybe six in extremely special cases, until their hearts would give out. To make this more logical (unless Edmond really does have a magic horse) I would change Cinder's speed to a canter or trot.
-"'Here', turned out to be..." The correct punctuation is "Here" without the comma.
-"Elden Drusillus, Ryall Manor, Whiteridge." So he just went right back to the castle after riding ~eighty miles away? Seems like a pretty inconvenient trip.
-"...arms' length from where he sat. " This should be "arm's length."
-"...carving away at an apple with one of the knives they had." Like a certain Zoe, hmm?
-"...with he ball of his foot." I think you meant "the."
Hereafter begins the main review:
So, the relationship between Alexander and Visermann is pretty unclear. He (the King) seems to not want anything to do with his brother, but invites him to talk anyway. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Realistically, there's no reason Visermann should want to give up the throne. An angle that could really work here, and perhaps you are already implementing, is for Visermann to be a sort of shadowy, behind-the-scenes puppet master. You appear to be hinting at his villainous nature already. Unfortunately, Visermann is still pretty one-dimensional. King or not, we know that he wants power and control (maybe to do with the Archives), but his motivations are unclear. I believe, ultimately, he requires more character traits besides "suspiciously evil."
Alexander seems to suspect Visermann's lust for power, which is why it's odd that he trusts him around his sons. Personally, I don't think it speaks well for Alexander's intelligence not to know Visermann must have some reason not to be envious. Anyway, the second half of the chapter deals with Elden's betrayal, which at first I thought may have been motivated by greed, but it turns out he was simply wanting to protect his family. It's a nice set up for the future: Edmond and the others now possess quick horses and a glut of supplies, but no one left alive to guide them. I'm particularly glad about the pace of the plot in these later chapters of yours, as it's all too easy for a fantasy work to get bogged down in a sloth-slow "quest" plotline. The cliffhanger was nice as well, with a mysterious, shapeshifting foe easily striking down the wrathful, vengeful Elden. This novel really may turn out to be quite the work to be proud of.
Possible clues/references from your end:
Zoe from Firefly, as mentioned earlier.
Elenore (perhaps originally from Trysting?)/Eleonore of Trystain from The Familiar of Zero anime?
Elenore/Edgar Allen Poe's Lenore or Eleanora?
White Ridge/White Ridge Barrow, Skyrim?
Harris Drusillus/Harry Dresden? It'd be a stretch...
On that topic, I've hidden three clues of my own in this review that I hope you can recognize. One might be more obvious than the others; you might call it a black sheep of the trio. The others are tougher, but I guess you'll just have to bite the bullet and try to find them.
Keep writing, and happy hunting!
Hey! I finally got around to responding to your review--sorry, I've been running seven fevers and struggling to write with time restrictions. But I'm here now!is magical. I had continued writing this chapter after writing a chapter for Northeast (which should be coming out soon! I'm still rewriting the first chapter, though) so I got the horses mixed up. Thanks for pointing that out to me!
Whole horse thing yaddah yaddah yaddah I accidentally did that. I was thinking about a different story I was writing--called Northeast--and the main character, Eliot's horse Blitz
Spoiler
So, you are right about one thing--Visermann is a kind of "behind the scenes puppet master" kinda guy. However, who says that he wants power? Perhaps he hates his brother, his parents' favored--yet younger--son.
I all honesty, I'm not sure what's up with Visermann. He's a discovery character--when the author knows their story, or a character in their story needs a specific character. . . Yet they don't know who--so they find out what the person's like while writing the story.
Visermann originally never existed--Alexander was just going to be messed up because his parents were murdered when he was sixteen, leaving the burden of the throne on his shoulders. But, I didn't have the dance or Visermann in chapter two and I felt it needed to bulk up, along with it needing one more thing. . . So I added Visermann and Edmond's dance with Susanne.
Okay, Zoe was really easy. I'd already made a Firefly reference--I think I'm done with those, for now.
HOLY *Bleep* DUDE
HOW
HOW HOW HOW
YOU CAUGHT IT
YOU CAUGHT MY HARD REFERENCE
THE ONE THAT WAS FOR HARDCORE FANS OF THE FAMILIAR OF ZERO
And figured out a giant clue as to Elenore's past.
Originally, I'd had Trysting as Trydus and the royal name was Talbot. But that didn't have the cool "sound similar and derived from each other" ring that Ryall/Rhylath had. Then, months after I wrote the second chapter, I watched The Familiar of Zero. . . That became my favorite anime for a long time. (Seito x Louise shipper, here!)
When I found out about the Kingdom of Trystain, the right names fell into place.
Whiteridge was actually just bored me putting two words together to try to make a cool sounding name, haha. Though, I dunno--perhaps Skyrim was subconsciously affecting my choice. I haven't played in a while though--PC broke--so I actually completely forgot about that city. xD
Harris Drusillus is a reference to nothing. Drusillus is a Latin last name I like--I think I mentioned in a previous chapter, I speak Latin--which means "brave, strong". Harris I got from my pediatrician for my Type 1 Diabetes, Dr. Vance Harris.
I CAN NOT FIND YOUR REFERENCES
I have met a formidable foe!
Especially because, how do I find them? I don't see you slipping names and such in there!
There can be only one explanation--you are more skilled than I. *Bows*
Hey, there!
It's cool if your're short on time. I hope you have more of an opportunity to write in the future.
So, I mostly guessed right! Interesting dynamic there with Trysting; I wonder if Elenore's heritage will come up later in the plot. I'm also intrigued by this magical horse you mentioned. Gotta check that story out when it's done, I suppose.
If a hint helps, the references are to three anime you mentioned as favorites on your profile, so I assumed you'd be familiar with. They're also each spread out over multiple sentences (one is in the final paragraph).
Good luck on this belated Easter egg hunt!
Ahh! References to my three favorite anime. . . Now I've GOT to find them!
OH BITE THE BULLET
I SEE
Haha.
Ohhhhh! I KNEW IT KNEW IT KNEW IT
I noticed the seven deadly sins. I didn't think it was a reference, though. . . But I see all.
Is the Snow White reference perhaps speaking of Visermann as a behind-the-scenes-puppet-master, as Prince Izana Wisteria is. . ? Because I based Visermann off of my younger brother, David (kid seems like an angel but is an evil little Satan on the inside, once you know what to look for) and Izana. The relationship between Alexander and Visermann is also based off of Zen/Izana and me/David.
But it'd be a stretch. . .
You've got the first two! I'd say you should look at the beginning (of the actual "review" part) to spy the third.
Oh, was it inviting his brother to talk even though he doesn't really want anything to do with him?
No...
What's the first thing you noticed?
"So, the relationship between Alexander and Visermann is pretty unclear" is the first thing
Even more "first" than that.
"Hersafter begins the main review."
First letters, man.
Notice a certain protagonist?
Hbtmw
Er. . .
And then after that:
Strbaavipu
Ummm. I think you're gonna have to spell this one out for me.
Of sentences. Starting with "So."
Shirayuki. . .
AHHH
I GET IT
I feel like a blockhead haha--especially because that's my favorite anime.
I mean, my avatar is literally Shirayuki's love interest--and my personal favorite anime character of all time--Zen Wisteria.
And I believe my profile wallpaper is of Zen and Shirayuki dancing with each other. . . Or did I change it?
Oh well, I know it's them.
Hello Blue! Wolfie's here, finally!
Just as a side note, for your pronunciations, I believe that Elden, Eltos, and Arsteel are quite clear without your clarification. (The other three, not as much, and should be kept.)
I find that really, really interesting. Alexander's more concerned about the legacy of his dead wife than the safety of his children. I have a feeling that there's more to this than just plain affection, because that's getting a bit overboard - I don't know why a man who loves his wife so much would fail to give the same attention to his kids. He's just a unique character, I guess!
Here we have the king growling, yelling, and slamming his fists, and then he chuckles. I don't like how that's written. Instead, try having him just say "Ha!" or something like that. I can imagine an angry man saying that, but not chuckling, even in a halfhearted manner.
Why would he want to do that?
For the sake of simple formatting, this should look more like a subtitle and not another one of Alexander's thoughts, as it well could be. I'd put it in boldface and/or center it. (And do the same for all other subtitles in this and other chapters.)
I got a little confused about who was talking. Consider melting it all into one paragraph.
Again, keep it all in one paragraph so as to clarify who "he" is.
I'm not a fan of the constant point of view switches. Harris' short section was particularly unnecessary, and in any case it might be a good idea for you to avoid talking from a villain's POV all together. Stick with what's only necessary, and try to tell the scene from the viewpoint of the most MCish character there.
I could tell something was very wrong from the moment Edmond said they had been riding for two hours, knowing that the initial flight from the kingdom in the rain was short and that if they had turned around they would have been back already. What's Elden doing taking them the other way? Alexander is clearly expecting them back.
I could sense the anxiety and awkwardness in Elden's speech and manner, foreshadowing what was about to happen. I liked his character from the last chapter, but now *plot twist* he's been killed by his monster brother and he's left Edmond, Myles, Richard, and Lionel alone in the cave. I thought Elden was a trustworthy fellow, but it seems like he led whom he was supposed to protect into a hardly suitable cave and left to get himself killed. Regardless of the safety of his family, his loyalty to Prince Edmond should have been his very first priority. Alexander expected as much, and now he's regretting agreeing to his brother's suggestion. The brothers of the adult characters in this book aren't very nice, are they?
Anyway, this is another good chapter. I'd still like it if you slowed down a bit more and took the time to examine the thoughts and feelings of your characters, especially Edmond who I don't know as well. Show some more interactions between Miles and Richard. Is anybody frightened about what's going on? Can any of them note the queer expressions on Elden's face, or wonder why the king would send them two hours away from him? The plot's beginning to speed up quite a bit, especially with the removal of the "guide" character of Elden to protect everyone. Now they're exposed and have to fight for themselves. I'm excited to see how they fare, away from the royal luxuries they are all accustomed to.
Nice work, Blue! If I need to clarify anything I said, or if you have any questions, ask away ~
Hey there, Wolfie! Finally got around to reviewing this chapter, I see.
Thanks for pointing out that it's confusing for me to keep changing paragraphs then saying "he".
I'll be honest with you here: My original plan for the story was that Elden wasn't going to do anything wrong. He was going to be much more important and major.
Then I ran out of ideas for this chapter. XD
So, perhaps I should be more clear on this.
Elden is lying. I thought that'd be obvious enough when I made it seem as if he was about to say the wrong name. xD The king's orders were far from leaving his sons in a less-than-safe hollow in a hill somewhere in Whiteridge.
The reason I switched to the Man in Black's point of view was that originally, I wanted to put thoughts in. . . But I guess I didn't end up doing that--so, yeah, I probably should just keep it all from Elden's point of view.
Also, did I make it unclear that it was the creature that they had fought earlier was the Man in Black? I thought I said that.
Yeah:
I guess I should make those bits more clear.
Thanks for reviewing this, Wolfie!
-Jay
OKAY, FORGET ABOUT THE CREATURE MORPHING
I just changed it because I just made a plan for chapter five.
Alrighty then, I shall forget xD and yeah, I knew he was lying, I was just kinda writing down my thoughts as I read. You is welcome ~