Published January 25, 2016
Chapter 1
Impending Danger
A magical archive stood, pulsing with energy--filled with the knowledge of the gods.
The Goldstorm Archive.
The Lost Knowledge.
In a great and bloody battle between two brothers that wiped out the kingdoms of Ethav and Etreith, the Goldstorm Archive was lost.
Can the Archive be found in time?
****
King Alexander Ryall, Stowerling Palace, Winterhold
King Alexander Ryall stroked his beard, lost in thought. His brown almond-shaped eyes looked as if they were lost in another world. Atop his cropped light brown hair stood a majestic golden crown, with purple velvet lining the inside. Two sapphires studded two of the three prongs protruding from the crown, and the center one bore a beautiful bloodred ruby.
He sat on his throne, which for the most part was simple. It was made of steel with red velvet lining, cushioning the seat. It may not be majestic like his crown, but it radiated an aura of authority around the king nonetheless.
A young squire ran up to Alexander. "Sir Pratt has told me to deliver this message to you, my Lord. A man gave it to him and disappeared." The boy handed a thin envelope to him.
King Alexander Ryall of Rhylath, it read. Alexander recognized the handwriting and he felt his black silken trousers get pulled taut as every muscle in his body tensed.
If you do not back down and surrender your kingdom to me, I will move my troops in and take it by force. You know I have the numerical advantage. You have three months to do as I say, lest I come in and remove it from your sorry hands.
It's your fault you're in this position, Alexander. You have spent too much searching the ruins of Etreith and Ethav for the Archive, and the time has come for you to pay.
-King Ellen Trydus of Trysting.
Alexander sighed, wondering what he was going to do for his people. They were already struggling economically. Somebody had decided to make fake silver imperii, making their value drop drastically. Though as far as he knew, it was only in Winterhold and it hadn't spread to the other provinces.
What am I going to do? I've spread my forces too thin searching for the Archive. I didn't think of how much I was risking, searching for it--Oh, Elenore, what do I do. . . he thought worriedly, twiddling with a golden ring that had a simple small diamond on it on his left ring finger; his late wife's wedding ring.What am I going to do. . .
Prince Edmond Ryall, Stowerling Palace, Winterhold
The brown-haired nervous prince paced the floors of his bedroom, his pearl white cloak billowing behind him. His icy blue almond-shaped eyes did not show that of a confident prince, but that of a sixteen year old boy that was struggling to stay calm. The fact that his steel blade's scabbard kept clicking against his ankle and his tight red coat's golden tassels were flipping around along with those attached to the shoulders of his cloak were not helping his anxiety.
Today he was to be knighted by King Alexander, having served as his squire for many years.
Edmond straightened the silver crown inlaid with sapphires that was perched atop his head. Often enough, people did not look at his serious, rounded face or his chiseled jaw, but his crown or cloak, for they were the marks of the Crown Prince of Rhylath.
His tension, he assumed, was very obvious in his terse stride.
Has it really been eight years? he wondered, trying to remove his thoughts from the ceremony. His mother, Elenore, had died while giving birth to her fourth and final child, a young daughter that his father had decided to name Kathrine, after Elenore's mother. When she passed, the king had grieved greatly--for his delicate queen had been his only fervor, and he had never loved or desired another woman.
Oh, I wonder how she would feel if she saw me, or even Father now.
Edmond had only been eight when his mother died. The twins, Myles and Richard, being the tender age of four, did not very well understand the way of the world and were not too upset by the loss of their mother--Edmond, being eight and having a better memory, had taken a devastating blow by the loss.
Mother had always wished for many children. . . If only we weren't at the brink of war. Then Father wouldn't have been gone so often. . .
Because of their rocky relationship with Trysting, the king had often been out of his kingdom, trying to make treaties with other kings. But, after their mother died, he stopped going out so often. He valued his children, but more as a memento of his late wife more than anything else.
"Edmond!" a man called. He turned with a start, but loosened up when he saw who it was.
Lionel was a good friend from his knight training--they had met when they were simple pages when they were seven. Lionel's father, Siris Thelac, was the Duke of Esterwood. He bore what all squires--Edmond excluded--were required on their day of knighting: A white shirt under a deep red tunic bearing the symbol of Rhylath.
Lionel, however, did not bear a white cloak and silver crown. Those were the symbols of the royal family and to be worn by them and them alone. In all the nine years Edmond had known Lionel, his black curly hair never seemed to be in order. Lionel had a thin, lanky build and was admirable in swordplay along with hand-to-hand combat, but was best in archery.
Edmond shoved his troubles aside when he saw his friend's oval face and sarcastic yet kind obsidian eyes. "Ather, Lionel! Where have you been!" Edmond had always been nervous about large ceremonies like this. It had gotten better, but they still bothered him a little.
"Nonsense! You'll be fine! Etar bless you, my young prince." He jokingly bowed then winked at Edmond.
"Easy for you to say, you're not the crown prince of Rhylath!" Edmond wiped his forehead anxiously as he noticed Myles run up behind him.
"Myles, I don't believe I have the time for--" Edmond assumed he knew what his brother was going to do.
And it turned out, Edmond was wrong.
Myles removed a white glove from his pocket and--tenderly--slapped Edmond with it.
Edmond's jaw dropped. Lionel doubled over with laughter.
Edmond stuttered something slurred and unintelligible, unable to form words. He never thought his younger brother would challenge him.
"Pratt has told Father that I'm an exceptional fighter!" he said. "And I want to gain experience fighting a fully trained knight."
"I-er-em. . ." Edmond sighed, putting his hands up. "I'm not quite a knight yet, but. . ." He smiled. "I guess I can't really decline."
A man in a brown coat bearing the knots for a sergeant walked up behind Myles. He seemed to be off duty at the moment. He drew his hand back across his brown hair as he looked around the room uneasily.
He looked at Edmond. "Sorry, milord," he said. "I said that he should challenge a knight. Kid's a good fighter--we need more like him--but apparently I didn't foresee that he'd come runnin' to you."
"No need to apologize, Sir. . ?" Edmond asked.
"Just call me Mal."
"Well, no need to apologize. . . Mal. It was a wise bit of information to give."
The sergeant bowed, then left the room.
"All right," Edmond said with a laugh. "Let's go." He ruffled his brother's hair.
Myles was a happy little thing. His brown hair somehow always stayed neat and straight, his bangs parted to the right. He had his father's brown eyes. Myles's chiseled jaw and oval face didn't resemble either parent individually, but both equally. He wore what he usually did, black silken trousers and a red tunic with the royal crest in the center. He was wearing a shiny set of black shoes.
They walked to the courtyard, where training duels were usually held. Lionel left to fetch a couple dueling blades.
The courtyard was a nice little place. The pathways were made of white marble, and they opened up into a big circular area rimmed by a few trees here and there.
Edmond stood at the edge of the circular courtyard awaiting Lionel to return with the blades. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, smelling the fresh scent of the trees with the cool breeze running through his hair, the trickle of water from the fountain calming him. It was one of the few precious moments of peace Edmond had received since his mother had passed.
He heard Lionel and his brother approaching, so he reluctantly opened his eyes and turned to see them. Myles's twin had joined them. Richard and Myles were identical twins--so the only ways you could tell them apart was the way they did their hair and what clothing they were wearing.
Richard, being the more mature of the two, had his hair combed and slicked back in a rather handsome way. He wore black silken trousers, like his twin, but he wore a forest green tunic and a white shirt as opposed to the red tunic with the royal crest.
"What is he doing here?" Edmond asked tiredly. Just what I needed--another twin, he thought.
"I couldn't resist seeing Myles get his rump handed to him in battle." Richard and Myles, being twins, always had to outdo each other in one way or another.
"I guess there's no hope for getting you out, then," Edmond sighed. He took the remaining dueling blade, unsheathing it. He then went to the center of the courtyard, crouching low and taking up a defensive stance. Myles took up position a couple feet from Edmond.
They didn't need somebody to count off: That wasn't the way that Pratt taught them to start duels. "He who strikes first, ends it first," was one of Pratt's favorite sayings, though Edmond had learned that it could lead either way--if you don't strike properly, you are bound to lose the battle and thereby end the battle. If you strike just so, you will win and end the fight.
As Edmond focused, he tuned out all other things: The sweet smells of the trees, the feel of the breeze, the sound of the trickling water in the nearby fountains.The only things he were aware of were he and his brother.
They circled each other for a minute, but in the end it was Myles who attacked first, flying forward in an upward slash. Edmond parried the strike and attempted to sweep his legs under his brother's to throw him off balance, but Myles had anticipated the move and stepped backwards before Edmond's leg made contact.
Lionel stood in amazement as he watched the two brothers duel. He had trained with Pratt, yes, but the two brothers weren't like any of the duels he'd seen between any of the other squires. They were simply a blur of parries and strikes. The least Lionel could say was that he was in awe.
Edmond felt his brother's blade swipe a few inches left of his ear as he dodged yet another strike. He brought up his right foot in a high crescent kick--one of many that he attempted during the fight--and felt his heel finally connect with Myles's wrist. The dueling blade that was held firmly in his brother's grasp went flying. Myles turned to face Edmond, whose sword tip was placed at Myles's throat.
Edmond sheathed his sword with a click and tossed it to Lionel, who caught it easily, and then clapped the young prince on the shoulder.
"Not bad, Myles, not bad," Edmond said. "You will make a fine knight someday."
A servant stepped out into the courtyard. "My Lord, the knighting ceremony is about to start. Both you and Lord Thelac are to come with me to the coronation room," he said. Edmond looked at Lionel, who shrugged.
"Yes, yes, my good man, take us there," Lionel said with a smile. With a nod to the twins, Edmond and Lionel left.
Well, here goes, Edmond thought.
______________________________________________________________________________
A/N: Hello!
So, I was going through these chapters, seeing if I wanted to edit anything, and then I realized:
I should add a pronunciation guide. You see, I use names that aren't all American, and some of these I just felt I should help people pronounce because I've learned that there are just idiots out there.
I'll have a slowly building guide as new names and such come in during the chapters.
*Ryall
RE-all.
*Rhylath
So, this being a derivative of the royal family's last name you'd assume that it's also French.
It's not.
And I don't pronounce it the same way.
RYE-ah-lath.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey BlueJayWalker10. Here are my thoughts:
PROS
I can tell you've read fantasy--that opening! Very nice.
The setup: A crazy king who searched for a fabled artifact instead of ruling? Another king who decided exploit it? Brutal, but awesome.
The writing: I'll mention my beefs in the cons, but overall, good job. It's solid, and I understand what's going on in a scene.
Names:I can tell you've spent time on them. Very medieval-esque, but also cool sounding. Winterhold, Trystain, Rhylath--you've got a definite style. Thank goodness they're not Justin or Moonlight.
CONS
The writing: I could go into grammatical errors or weird phrasing, but I believe I saw others doing that, so I'll stick to generalities. You do a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. "We are reading about This Man. This Man is tall. This Man loves His Wife. This Man wears a purple crown. This Man has a Son. This Man's Son is tall too."
I'm getting a clear picture of what's going on, but it's being force-fed down my throat.
Also, avoid cliches like the plague. (haha) "He stroked his beard," sounds nice at first glance, but all it does in the long run is elicit a "really?"
The dialogue: "Now what is that doppelgänger doing here?" Um, what? Who talks like that?
Mostly it does what it needs to, but take care to avoid sounding totally clunky; this is a problem tons of people (including myself) deal with, so don't beat yourself up too badly.
The Twins: Walk very carefully, my friend. Twins are two completely different individuals with separate wants and needs; however, very often, they are written as one entity. Sure, they can be played for laughs, but that gets old very quickly.
So, there're my thoughts. It needs work, but doesn't everything? Keep writing! I'll read.
P.S. That'll be a penny.
P.P.S. I caught Mal(colm Reynolds). Don't think I didn't notice.
Hello, BlueJayWalker10. Cool name, by the way. I'm Meerkat here to review as requested.
I usually begin with edits regarding language mistakes and typos, so here goes:
-"It may not be majestic like his crown..." Keep this verb consistent with the past tense. "It may not have been" would be more correct.
-"...get pulled taught..." In this instance, the correct spelling is "taut."
There are four ellipses in this paragraph, which is too many for such a short section. About three of them are unnecessary and could be replaced with a question mark.
-"For his lovely queen had been his only love, and he had never loved or desired another woman." Don't use variations of the same word multiple times in one sentence (lovely, love, loved). It gets repetitive.
-"He looked at Edmond apologetically. 'I apologize, sire,' he said." This is also redundant (the man apologizing apologetically).
-"'Now what is that doppelganger doing here?' Edmond said" Intelligent vocabulary is all well and good, but don't throw words in just for the sake of it. "Doppelgänger" sounds like an unnatural word choice for Edmond, and is just odd in context. Also, a period needs to be at the end of the sentence.
-"...loose the battle..." "Lose" is the correct spelling here.
-"The least Lionel could say, was, that he was in awe." The commas are not needed.
-"Edmond...then helped the young prince up." This is more a logic question, but how did Myles fall down so that he needed to be helped up? Edmond merely kicked him in the wrist; he didn't knock him over.
Plot, Characters, 'n' Stuff:
This is just an FYI, but you might want to change some of the names of places and such. I think Messenger already noted that Winterhold is a place in Skyrim, but the name is vague enough that you it's probably fine. It's not like you call one of your characters "Ulfric Stormcloak" or anything.
As far as characters go, I really recommend giving your main ones more personality. There's just not much substance to anyone in particular at the moment. You give a lot of physical description, but almond-shaped eyes, chiseled jaws, and oval faces (you use all three descriptors multiple times) don't truly offer importance to a character. As a reader, I want to know, first and foremost, why I should care about any of these people and want to hear their story for 300+ pages. "Who are these people and why do they matter?" should be a question answered in the very first chapter.
Regarding plot, you do begin with some intrigue about the fate of the kingdom and lead to some action with a swordfight later. The ending—right before the start of the ceremony—gives a nice hook to the next section as well. However, is this chapter absolutely necessary for the story? "Optional" prologues are the parsley sprigs on the dishes of writing: they might seem to make things look more professional, but they are largely useless and ignored. Start where the action (or at least the interest) is.
I feel like the audience might be more invested in a story with a bit more context and framing. You know, develop your setting just enough to pique one's curiosity. Personally, I find worldbuilding to be the most fun part of writing fantasy. A story shouldn't take place in Genericmedievalkingdomland, it should have a unique twist that is entirely your own. What dangers and delights await your characters in this fascinating place? The reader will be itching to find out.
Please take no offense if I edited harshly; fantasy is a tricky genre to handle. Your writing mostly flowed well and seemed to have a lot of care behind it, which is a promising sign. I hope I was helpful in some way, and encourage you to continue your work in the future.
Thanks for reading, and have a great day!
First off, thank you so much for reviewing my story!
Grammar Errors
Thanks for pointing out the "taught" thing! I didn't notice that--must've been when I was writing on my tablet instead of PC.
As well as my being repetitive--even though I've had a couple reviews and I keep searching for grammar errors, I see I'm still missing some. Especially with the ellipses and the "love/apologize" over and over.
For the doppelganger mention.
A doppelganger is a twin or a lookalike. For how I feel about Edmond's character, and his relationship with his brother, I felt that he should use "doppelganger" instead of "twin" or "lookalike".
Helping Myles up.
THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT
I revised the fight multiple times. . . The first time Edmond flipped Myles; but what was going on and how he flipped Myles, I felt that it didn't make sense--nor was it possible. I guess I forgot to take that bit out! xD
Plot, Characters n' Stuff
I do know about The Stormlight Archive. Brandon Sanderson is actually my favorite author!
I came up with the idea after I read Mistborn. . . But before I knew that The Way of Kings and Words of Radiance were books in a series that he called The Stormlight Archive. (I got the name from a book name generator, actually.) I talked with my sisters about it (my sister Michelle is an editor--she actually took a creative writing class FROM Brandon Sanderson himself) and came to the conclusion that it was fine; Brandon Sanderson's series is called The Stormlight Archive because a lot of the world focuses on Stormlight, and because it's twelve books long, he decided to give it the title of archive instead of saga or series. Not because there was a physical PLACE in the book that was called the Stormlight Archive.
I just like the name of Winterhold--and I made sure that it wasn't the same name. In Skyrim, it's WinterHALL.
Yeah, I've been thinking that this chapter is more of an "optional" thing. The people who have reviewed chapter two say that they like it more.
Perhaps--if you read chapter two--you could tell me if I should just remove this chapter altogether, and just start the story from chapter two. (I could add the letter bit later in the story.)
I gave the Ryall family's characters pretty much the same features because they're a family. My younger brother and I are a year and a half apart, yet a lot of people ask us if we're twins. David looks like Dad when he was young.
Chapter 1: Impending Danger and Chapter 2: Knighthood are both world/character building chapters. In theory, you could cut out chapter one. . . I think I mentioned this previously; you'd just miss character and world building.
You were very helpful! Don't worry--I don't take no offense when somebody is giving an opinion on my work personally. (If you're pooping on Brandon Sanderson or Mochizuki Jun, though, I can't guarantee your safety.)
Thanks for reading this chapter and reviewing it!
-Jay
Oh, and, to cap off the resemblances--David and I are opposite genders.
I'm glad I could help! I'll get to chapter two as soon as I can.
You may want to double-check about the Skyrim thing, though:
http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Winterhold_(Skyrim)
Side note: If you ever want advice about a swordfighting, I could offer some tips. I did fencing for a few years, and learned a lot about writing that kind of action scene.
Keep writing!
Thanks for the offer! I dunno, I may take you up on that. But, I may not need to--because Edmond's thing is throwing knives. I use 'em, and I also do Kung-Fu San Soo, but I'll take you up if I feel the need.
hey I'm finally back
I like how you get his age in without being too telly to the audience. Using thoughts sparsely is a nice way to add subtle details. I like to do it myself.
I notice that you use ellipses a lot "..." and sometimes it can be ok to use it occasionally, but you use them twice in two dialogue lines. It's just doesn't look to clean, and there are betters ways to convey if someone is stuttering or at a loss for words. You can simply say they were at a loss for words"taken back" "shocked" or so forth and it makes the writing seem more professional and clean.
Ok so that whole thing is just really wordy and kind of confusing to follow. If you want to say he resembles his parents then try to do it in a less confusing way. As it is it feels like you're pulling us to view him like people we've never seen. and not just one person, but three.
This isn''t bad, but I think you could really make this place pop more in the readers mind. I can see the pathways, but really that's about it. The fountain and breeze are a nice touch, but what is around the courtyard? walls? Lanes of trees? Where IS this fountain?
In 8 years??
That was actually pretty amusing and funny XD
lose not loose
The fight scene was pretty good. Definitely the most engaging part of the chapter. Although, if this ceremony is going to happen, when is it happening, and should Edmond really be fighting just before it?
Overall not a lot of technical errors. I'd work on describing things more smoothly, and getting in a little more of the emotions of Edmond. when you go deep enough to people's thoughts you have to also be able to tell the reader their emotions, or else it doesn't seem to connect well. Keep writing and getting better!! Hope this helps. If I misinterpreted any of the review please let me know.
`Messy
First off, thank you very much for this review!
Okay, so in the description of the courtyard, I can't really figure out how to put it into more detail without seeming like I'm rambling on. I imagine it to look something like a larger version of the courtyard in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Mmmhmm. In eight years. His mother, as queen and the second highest ranking person in the kingdom, held a lot of responsibility. Somebody needed to pick up the slack--so, they chose the second highest ranking person in Rhylath to take a lot of responsibility: Edmond.
Other than that? Other people are telling me to put in the ceremony and add more to this chapter, but it's simply an introduction to the characters and setting the stage. You could actually skip this chapter, if you like--you'd just miss a few of the characters and descriptions. . . And the letter that was sent to Alexander.
Chapter Two, "Knighthood" is when everything really starts to move.
Good morning, BlueJayWalker10. It's Keepwriting up nice and early to review your work (as requested). Sorry it took so long btw! My life got in the way of things. To start off, I'd like to say that I liked this work and if I come off as harsh that's just how I review. xD
Beginning: There are too many choppy sentences. It was fine for awhile but it just got sort of frustrating after awhile and I couldn't focus on what I was reading anymore.
This is actually a fragment since you put pulsing with energy there. "A magical archive was pulsing with energy would correct that problem. You need a: subject, verb, and complete thought to have a sentence and the word "pulsing" is a verbal.
Choppy again. It's a sentence but when you say it by itself, it makes no sense.
Choppy again and seeing the word "gods" just threw me off the band wagon. But then I read the whole thing and you never mention gods. There are more uninteresting sentences up there but it'll take too long to list them all. The beginning just didn't make me interested at all. I don't think I would have read all of it if you didn't request a review. You need to grab the reader in the first few sentences that's why choppiness is BAD.
Time for the letter the king receives:
Why didn't they try to catch the guy that disappeared? Oh well...
Sooooo cliché. And after the king reads the letter he just sits there and sort of pouts. I'm questioning his ruling abilities.
"You've spent too much searching the ruins of..."
How does he know? Also, what has he spent too much of?
I don't understand why he has a diamond on the top. That's what the woman has on her ring. Maybe he's wearing his wife's ring?
Middle and end: Okay, now this part was a little more interesting. Sword fighting, dialog, description!
Okay, I know that you want to show the reader that Edmond is nervous about the ceremony but he's a guy. (I have five brothers) he wouldn't tell him he's been panicking. That just made him look like a major wimp!
Oh my gosh, he didn't just do that! Myles, why? That was so girly. I know he didn't want to slug his brother but slapping him with his glove?! It's almost like he didn't want to chip a nail or something. Make it more manly:
Myles came up to his brother with much speed and punched his shoulder.
Something like that. Not with the glove though.
When you only put two dots like that it looks like a typo. That's why people put three. Also, "didn't" instead of "did":
"... Apparently I didn't anticipate that he would come running to you."
I enjoyed the sword fighting a lot but it only lasted a very short while. You put too much focus on drama. You need some more action in this story to make the readers happy.
End note: You really don't need to put that there. I felt like I was being called a stupid person. If you make the name look like it sounds you wont need to tell people how to pronounce it anyway (unless they're uneducated). What I think you should do though is add names before someone says something (since it was hard to tell who was speaking at times). Example:
Ed. "Easy for you to say, you're not the crown prince of Rhylath!"
Like that but put "Ed." in bold print.
Anyways, I've spent way too much time on this review already. I hope you found this helpful and that didn't come off as a jerk but do keep these things in mind and it will help you later. It's hard sometimes when you know what you want the story to be but cant find the words to put it into. Ask yourself some questions and read it aloud to yourself and you'll find what needs improvement!
~Keepwriting
P.s. I never mean to sound harsh or condescending. It just comes off that way sometimes.
Thanks for this review!
It's okay, though you did come off harsh--I'm fine with that. I have to work REALLY hard to not come off as harsh or mean when doing my reviews. xD I fill 'em with SOO much glitter.
About the choppy sentences. . . I just realized: You're darn right. That IS choppy. I can't believe I let that slide--because I myself LOATHE it when there are too many sentences that are five words or less.
I myself have four brothers so I DO know about the panicking bit. BUT, I did not intend for Edmond's character to be the kind that wanted to be all macho.
Myles tenderly slapping Edmond with the glove--that's an actual thing with knights in the medieval ages. If a knight was hit, it was a matter of honor--they had to challenge the person to a duel.
That became the traditional way to challenge someone to a duel--and you wanted to make sure they didn't back down.
I thank you for pointing out my typos! I ALWAYS go through my chapters searching for them, yet people still find typos to point out! Agh!
About the pronunciation guide--I'm really only putting it in for the blockheads of the group. Plus, when asking my family and friends about it, they told me that EVERY fantasy book should have a pronunciation guide.
PLUS: I really like to use names from other languages, so some of them are not what they sound like.
Thanks for reviewing my work!
-Jay
Hi BlueJayWalker10, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Story: The story at the moment is quite entertaining and I like the little part at the beginning that served almost as a prologue. Then straight after that you presented another interesting plot point that looks like it will be the main story plot. Having that letter sent to the king was a great way to place a sense of foreboding into the story while we are still getting to know the characters.
Characters : The characters at the moment seem quite realistic in their dialogue and feelings towards each other. I really look forward to seeing how they play out. You explain the characters movements well so that I can see what they look like and what they are doing. The fight right at the end was written very well and was a joy to read.
Description: Your description for the most part is good and gives me a very clear picture of what is going on around the characters. On the other hand though, being that this is a fantasy story, I think that you should provide some more description of the world and habitats around the characters. One other thing is that I think that you could make your colours more interesting. Like in this paragraph (Atop his cropped light brown hair stood a majestic golden crown, with purple velvet lining the inside.) instead of just saying brown you could say (umber) or (brunette). The same with the purple. It would just add a bit more interest to already interesting description.
Small suggestions and problems: The only really suggestion is to present a bit more world building in the next chapters, but other than that, nope I have nothing.
Overall it was an interesting first chapter and I will definitely read the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks for reading this, Felista!
So, everyone tells me that I should be adding more overview on my world. XD I understand that I should have more of it, it's just that with my intention for this chapter's feelings, I don't really think I can add more overview on my world.
The colors. . . I could use more work on that. Hoever, when first describing a character, I like to use specific, base colors so that they can really get a clear image. You could call me a brunette, but my hair's specific color is a really dark shade of chocolate brown.
Again, thanks for the review and suggestions!
-Jay
Sure.
hey, so I just read the first tid-bit with the king reading the letter. Nice descriptions. Gives me a very medievalish feel. also, Skyrim? Or are you just using some of the same names? I don't recognize the other names like the ones mentioned with the Archive sooo I'm curious. One quick point-out. You start both of your sections describing the people you're about to talk about. While it's not horrible, it feels repetitive, especially with such a short intro to the first king. Try to think of subtler ways to slip in appearances. You also use almond to describe eye shapes for both people. Again: repetitive. Let some of the details flow out through other senses besides sight. Give us more of a feeling for the places.
Now, like I said, I haven't fully read this *if I don't review this again within a few days nab me on my wall or the chatbar* so I'm not gonna go into a full review, but I just wanted to point those things out from a quick skim. I'm definitely slightly curious of this all. I love medieval, and I love Skyrim.
~Messy
I got the name Winterhold from Skyrim, derrived from Winterhall. xD I'm a Skyrim nerd.
The descriptions. . . Yeah, I had a hard time on that. At first I just went straight out with a complete description instead of mixing everything with what they were doing.
The almond eyes thing may be repetitive, but it's what I imagine their eyes to look like. Almond is a specific shape of eyes, and it's not uncommon for father and son to look alike.
Thanks for the review!
-Jay
Hi there, BlueJayWalker! (That's an awesome name haha) I'm a little late, but welcome to YWS!
I'm really loving these characters so far. There's some definite conflict going on with the king, but you're also displaying the more youthful and exciting life of his son Edmond.
Recommendations
For one thing, I like that you're sticking with the limited point of view of the king and keeping that consistent, because in a limited POV the character wouldn't actually know how his eyes would look at the moment, unless he's looking in the mirror. But also, the way you have it is kind of oddly worded. If he is really lost in thought, would he really be thinking about how his eyes look? What I would do is scratch the "he assumed" part completely.
I think you meant to say crown.
This should say spent, not spend.
Your way is fine too, I just think that tiny bit of rewording makes it sound a lot better.
I think you're missing the word "hair" in there somewhere.
The kind of imagery you used here - locks, a dark corner - makes me think that Lionel's appearance is only making things worse. To me it feels like Edmond is withdrawing further from contentedness. I would instead write something much simpler, like "he shoved his worries aside."
Neither of those commas are necessary.
I love this calming description, but the extra and unnecessary words can spoil it.
Lovely Things
I love a lot of things about this first chapter, but I'm just going to pick out a few details~
I love that you implied that Alexander knew the infamous handwriting without blatantly saying so, and you did it in a unique way, too! His trousers tightening because his muscles tensed? That's great.
Great characterization.
Again, good characterization for all characters involved I really like that the members of the royal family aren't lazy or arrogant at all - they seem like genuinely good people, and Lionel genuinely respects them.
I think I'm really going to enjoy this book. Please post more chapters soon and let me know when you do, alright? You're an excellent writer, and I adore the writing voice you have. Like I've mentioned before, your characterization is very good, and I appreciate that you take the time to quickly describe the appearance of each new character. It kind of annoys me when a writer never even mentions the color of someone's eyes.
This novel has a lot of promise, and I'm only on the first chapter. The title itself is fascinating - hinting at something with the mystery of the archives yet to come.
Splendid work! Keep writing.
Thank you so much for the reviews on my first chapter!
I would very much like to thank you for pointing out a few of my grammatical errors on this. I was re-writing this chapter three or four times, switching between a PC, a Mac, and an Andriod tablet, so I really had trouble catching all my errors.
Hello BlueJayWalker10, here for a review!
As a lover of anything that screams fantasy I do have a few opinions about this first chapter. Don't get me wrong, it is great! But, because it is a fantasy and therefore a different world, when introducing your story to the reader you should try to give a little insight of the world itself. I think, instead the whole chapter consisting of the sparing duel, you could add a little more, maybe include the ceremony. And by prolonging your chapter you have the liberty of adding bits of history and information about the world. In this case maybe you could tell a little bit more about the archives, as they seem to be a major subject to your story.
Also, you should end your first chapter in a more mysterious or intriguing way so spikes the reader's curiosity and makes him what to know what happens next. Remember, grabbing the reader's attention is critical in novels.
About grammar mistakes, there were a few nik picks.
-'He assumed his brown almond-shaped eyes looked as if they were lost in another world.' This sentnece is missing something, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Maybe you could put a 'and they' between eyes and looked.
-"Sir Pratt has told me to deliver this message to you, Sire....' Shouldn't here be King instead of Sire?
-'They were already struggling somewhat with the economy: Somebody had decided to make fake silver imperi....' You do this a lot throught out the text. After the two points it never comes capitalized letters, only if they are names of people/places. You could use instead ; or even . because in this case it doesn't break the flow of the tought. And like I said, it also applies for the other times you do this.
All in all, I liked this bit and I'll continue to follow your story to know what happens.
Keep writing!
I thank you for the review!
And I do know that I capitalize the words after I use a colon. It's the style of writing I was taught; when I use a semicolon, I keep it lowercase: But when I use a colon, I switch back to uppercase. It's just the style I was taught.
You're welcome!
Never knew it could also be used like that.