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Words Written in Lightning: Chapter 2

by BlueJayWalker10


The picture above is the coat of arms for Rhylath. Special squadrons and different families of the nobility will have different coats, but the general army has this for the coat of arms.

Chapter 2

Knighthood

Prince Edmond Ryall, Stowerling Palace, Winterhold, Rhylath

There were about twenty squires in total who were going to graduate to knighthood. All of them--Edmond excluded--bore scarlet tunics with the crest of Rhylath.

As Edmond stood there with the other young men, he felt himself growing more and more nervous, to the point where beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. He began to twiddle his thumbs anxiously.

"Baron Eric Lyndon II, are you willing to serve your kingdom. . ." Edmond heard his father's monotonous voice speak to the son of Earl Eric Lyndon about serving his kingdom with honor and valor.

It's a short ceremony, he told himself. He dubs you knight, either hands you the sword you made or a sword that has been passed through the knights of your family.

As another young man was knighted, he realized he was at the front of the line.

It was his turn to be knighted.

As he walked up the steps, he noticed a few nobles nod their heads in recognition of him as the crown prince, while a few other lesser merchants and baronets bowed completely.

I'm not in that much of a powerful position, am I? he wondered, though he knew he was just lying to himself. The crown prince had almost as much power and position as the king himself.

He sunk down to one knee at his father's feet.

"Prince Edmond Ryall, are you willing to serve this kingdom? See that ye serve with all your heart, might, mind and strength? To hold true, to swear fealty to this kingdom and its king? To help anyone in need, woman or man, child or feeble, in their times of need? To never tell a lie, to fight with honor and valor?" Alexander asked.

Edmond swallowed though his mouth was dry. "Yes, my king." He bowed his head.

The king drew his sword--Wrath, a beautiful blade made of the translucent white yet very heavy metal known as arsteel--and tapped his shoulders with the flat of the blade. "I dub thee Sir Edmond Ryall. May you serve your kingdom with honor throughout your days!" he sheathed his sword and raised his hands. The people cheered as Edmond stood.

A servant ran up to his father and handed him a black sheath. "This sword was given to me by my father before he passed," said Alexander with quiet reverence--though Edmond was unsure if it was because he had just knighted his son, or because the sword was special. Though it saddened him, he suspected the latter. "He told me to give it to mine own son when he was knighted." He handed the sword to Edmond, who drew it in awe.

It was a beautiful ebony blade, jet black--though at the edges it glinted a slight shade of dark purple, hinting at it being edged with obsidian. The handle, which was polished iron, was black as the night sky.

"The blade's name is Darkheart. May you carry it with pride, my son," Alexander said. Edmond sheathed the blade and stepped off the platform. When he was down, he replaced his unnamed steel blade with Darkheart.

The last few gentlemen--mainly the sons of nobles, though there was a daughter of a baronet--were knighted. There was a ball scheduled after the knighting ceremony. Though Edmond wished to be other places--due to prior unsavory experiences within large crowds--it was only common courtesy, being the crown prince and a new knight after all.

"Edmond!" Lionel called not too long after the ball had started. He turned to see his friend walking up to him, wineglass in hand.

"Come to speak with me about how the ladies look in their gaudy gowns?" Edmond asked jovialy, staring momentarily in shock at a woman who wore a bright red dress that was tight in all the right places and tighter still in all the wrong ones.

Lionel smiled crookedly. "Well, if you insist, Duke Zai Bezarius's daughter--Ada, I believe--her dress is cut low enough that I may need to go--"

"I don't want you to finish that sentence, my friend," Edmond said with a laugh.

"I thought not."

"Have you heard!" a man shouted not far from where Edmond and Lionel stood. "The Goldstorm may not be the only Archive out there!"

The room silenced immediately.

What? Edmond thought. He turned to see the man.

The man in question was of a thin, lanky build with chocolate brown hair that grew down to his shoulders, curling slightly at the end. He wore an expensive crimson suit with gold embroidery. He wore a new kind of neckware that was slowly becoming popular with the nobility: An ascot.

He waved his hands--one holding a wineglass filled with sparkling gold champagne--dramatically as he spoke.

"Odd. . . Gold irises," Lionel muttered.

"What do you mean?"

The man continued his speech. "You must be thinking that I have drunk one too many cups of wine! But, my friends, believe me when I tell you, there may be more than one Archive! We've all learned. . . The battle between Etreith and Ethav! The two brothers that tore themselves away from each other and fought history's bloodiest battle for one thing--The Goldstorm Archive!

"The Goldstorm Archive is not a myth and there are other Archives!" he shouted. "There are four! The Goldstorm, the Blueblaze Archive, the Whitefrost Archive, and the--"

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" bellowed a voice that Edmond knew all too well.

King Alexander stormed into the room, in full uniform. His cropped light brown hair had obviously been groomed by somebody far more skilled than himself, his scraggly beard trimmed. The crown that was perched on his head gleamed more than usual, hinting that it had been polished for the occasion. He wore a midnight black cape with silver tassels. When light shined on the cape, it glimmered red. He wore a tight scarlet coat with gold embroidery. His hands, clenched into fists, bore pearl white gloves. Wrath hung at his side in its shining silver sheath.

The king's brown eyes, already ablaze with fury, dilated when he saw who was speaking. "You." The sense of pure loathing was clear in his voice.

The man laughed. "Well, it's been a while. . . Uncle."

Alexander's voice burned with rage. "What are you doing here, Senri!? Your father promised to keep away after I married--Damn you! He promised he would never bother me again after I lost her!"

"Uncle, dear Uncle, Your Stormshi--"

"Senri." Another man's voice broke into the mix. "Do not mock the man and his obsessions."

Edmond's uncle Visermann walked into the room.

Though his uncle was well into his sixties, his build suggested he was ten years younger. He had thick locks of dark silver hair that were slicked back. His eyes were icy blue, like Edmond's. His suit, made of saturated dark blue velvet with silver embroidery of lilacs, was clearly tailored to fit his sturdy build. He too wore an ascot, along wore white gloves, though they shone silver.

Edmond did not hold many fond memories of his uncle. And, it seemed, neither did his father.

Edmond remembered his uncle Visermann as a serpentine man. Charming and handsome he may be, there was always a sinister feeling about him. Even that smile, which had won over so many men and made so many women swoon, had a feeling of malice behind it to Edmond.

"I apologize for my son's rudeness, my Lord. You see. . ." he smiled cruelly, preforming an exaggerated bow mockingly--and Edmond felt cold hands run down his spine. "He simply wishes to spread knowledge that you may find of use. After all. . . You are searching for the Goldstorm Archive, am I not correct?"

The king grit his teeth, clearly itching to draw Wrath, going as far as settling his hand on the hilt of the blade. But he contained his resentment for the man. Barely. "I am. . . But that does not give you the right to spread rumors! NOR does that give you the right to speak of these things when we are trying to celebrate the next set of fine knights in our kingdom!"

"Ah. . . Yes. Your kingdom's patron god--" Visermann said "god" with as much disrespect and loathing as he could "--is Etar. . . God of kings and kingdoms, and his most sacred ceremony. . . " he paused for dramatic effect, winking at Edmond and flashing him another malicious smile. "The knighting of a king-to-be."

Alexander's expression became dark as the death god Ather's gates. "Dare you mock my son the day he was knighted, in mine own palace?" Alexander stepped forward, sliding Wrath out of its sheath an inch.

"Father, shall we leave? We are clearly unwelcome here," Senri said.

"Yes, my son. . . Goodbye, Eltos," Visermann, using the word for "younger brother" in the Old Tongue. It was mainly used as a term of respect in Rylian culture, because Etar was Ather's Eltos--though it was clear that Visermann meant anything but.

There was a tense silence for a few minutes before Alexander piped up.

"Well then, let the ball begin!" Alexander spread his hands and the people cheered. The band began to play again.

Edmond attempted to leave the ballroom as casually as possible.

He failed, only realizing that he had when Baron Raleigh Axtrous's daughter, Susanne, ran up to him, curly blonde hair and frilly blue dress bobbing.

"Prince Edmond!" she called, almost running to greet the young prince.

Damn, Edmond thought. Just as I was able to walk out inconspicuously. . . But it was too late. He had already acknowledged her. Instead of leaving and ignoring her and needing to go through the deal of explaining later, he put on his best smile and walked up to her.

"Hello, Susanne. How are you, this fine evening?" he asked politely, putting his hands behind his back and holding his right wrist.

She fluttered her eyelashes at him. What in the name of Etar's Crown could this woman wish for? Edmond wondered.

"My dear Prince Edmond, would you care to dance?" she asked, curtsying. "I see you've yet to enjoy dancing with another woman."

Well. That's certainly unusual. It was customary for a man to ask a woman to dance with them, not the other way around. He sighed, blowing slightly, knowing his duties as a prince and knight.

"Why yes, Lady Susanne," he said gentlemanly, with an exasperated sigh. He offered her his arm, which she took delicately. He lead her to the center of the ballroom where several other men and their female companions were dancing.

An old song to teach you to dance began to play.

"This is the Song of Singing Love,

"Spread your arms, gracefully as a dove!

"Step up,

"Step down,

"Go on, turn around,

"Singing to the Song of Redeeming Love.

"This is the Song of Swaying Love,

"Fit your hands together as gloves,

"Step up,

"Step down,

"Go on, turn around,

"Swaying to the Song of Redeeming Love."

They bowed deeply to each other, though Susanne was the only one who was smiling.

"All those who are in the mood for a swing--get yer rumps on the dance floor!" one of the band members called.

A new, more upbeat song began to play.

"Another dance, Lady Susanne?" he asked, hoping she'd decline.

He was wrong.

She flashed him a delighted smile. "Why of course, my Lord!"

They stepped up, balancing more on their toes, Edmond taking Susanne's dainty hands.

Triple step, triple step. . . Edmond thought, doing a bouncy step to one side, then back the other way. Rock step. He and Susanne both stepped back slightly, then pulled back in.

Arch. . . Edmond lifted his hand up, turning it to the side so it was flat. Susanne lifted her hand and put it across Edmond's, so they resembled a T. He walked forward to his left, Susanne passing by him on his right. Rock step. They stepped back so it flowed better.

Arch. . . They repeated the same movement.

Triple step, triple step, rock step.

Loop.

This movement was a bit more difficult. They lifted and crossed their hands, as they had done before, but instead of walking by each other, he gently twirled his hand in a loop, turning Susanne to her right. He twirled to his left, completing the loop.

They repeated that pattern twice more. On the third attempt at a loop, Susanne crashed into Edmond, making them both fall over.

Edmond laughed. "Getting a little tired, I see?" he said, peeling himself out from under Susanne.

"I suppose so," she said with an embarrassed smile.

"Another time, then." Edmond turned to walk away.

"That was enjoyable, my Lord," Susanne said abruptly. Edmond spun on his heel.

"A pleasure, Susanne," he said briskly, walking off.

Finally. . Edmond left the ball as soon as she was out of sight.

He began to wander around the palace, taking a long route to his quarters.

In a few minutes he was back in the peace of the courtyard, softly lit in the moonlight. The gentle breeze that rustled the tree branches felt cool against his face.

"Nice night, isn't it?" Edmond said, looking up at the stars above. When his mother had passed, his had told the twins that she had turned into a star.

"What has happened to mother? Why is she not moving?" Myles and Richard asked in unison.

"She--she--she. . ." Edmond couldn't answer, knowing what he'd done.

"She is a star now, my boys. . ." Alexander had a faraway look in his eyes, as if trying not to cry by keeping his mind off everything. "She will always watch you from above."

"I wonder how you'd be, seeing your little boy, your eight-year-old troublemaker, all grown up. . . A knight now," he muttered to himself as he walked to his quarters.

It was a decent sized room, with a floor-to-ceiling window that stretched about ten feet. The floors were a beautiful volcanic glass--obsidian, the same material he believed his sword was edged with. His bed was a grand four poster made of redwood, which was off to his left. A chest for his personal items stood at the end.

"Need anything, my Lord?" a voice tinged with age asked.

Edmond's servant, Esymour, was a kind, fatherly man somewhere in his late seventies. What hair he had left on his balding head was greying and he had a simple chevron mustache. He was wearing his usual black suit and cravat.

Edmond smiled. "No, Esymour, I'm fine," he said, taking a small, thin sheath out of the chest by his bed.

"You've become a master with those, my Lord," Esymour commented.

"Well, I practice with them so much, I'd be afraid if I wasn't one by now," Edmond said with a smile, removing another identical sheath. They were made of black leather, lined with a thin layer of duralumin on the inside. They were small enough to strap on to his forearms and be unnoticeable if his sleeves were loose.

He strapped the two sheaths to his forearms, walking to the training room he had passed while walking to his room.

Edmond walked up to a target he had made for himself one day when he was bored--a cut out wooden board that was about twice the size of him in the shape of a man, with target circles drawn in charcoal in the vital areas of a human: The head, the chest, the neck, and various veins and arteries around the body.

Fast, and silent as a viper, his right hand drew one of the four thin ebony blades within the sheath on his left arm and flung it towards the target.

The throwing knife embedded itself up to the hilt in the dead center of the target's chest. He did the same with the other three blades, only instead of aiming for the heart between the ribs, he hit the middle of the wrist, the side of the neck, and the eye. His knife struck the targets dead center every time.

If you weren't used to them, the blades would be a little difficult to pull from the target; because they were four inches of ebony driven straight into several inches of solid balsa wood. Having been gifted them eight years prior by a Shindo man--named Shou Akise--Edmond was skilled with them, to put it simply.

Months before Mother died. . . Edmond thought. Why am I thinking of her and her death so often nowadays? I'd been practically able to forget it for the past eight years. But this month I keep coming back to the same thought. He threw another knife.

"Having fun there, my friend?" Lionel walked up behind him. "Up for a little contest?" he asked, bringing forth his own set of throwing knives. They, though, were made of arsteel, and their sheaths were made of a tan-brown leather. Much less effective for keeping hidden, arsteel being one of the strongest alloys but looking much like quartz: Pearl white and almost translucent. Ebony was also up with the stronger metals, but it was a pure metal--not an alloy. It was also pitch black-- along with it being far from translucent. Not to mention much lighter than arsteel. That didn't make it a featherweight though. It still weighed more than iron, but arsteel was far heavier.

Edmond sort of smiled, laughed, and sighed at the same time. He wiped his forehead and pushed his hair back. "You've been working with those for two years, and your progress is terrible--Etar's Crown, Lionel! You can barely hold the knife properly, much less throw it!" he said.

"Well, I still wanna try a game against you. It'd be fun, wouldn't it?" Lionel said, drawing a blade.

"Fine," Edmond finally sighed, drawing one of his own.

Suddenly, the alarm bells rang.

______________________________________________________________________________

A/N: Hey! This is a quick author's note. 

I don't really do author's notes on this site. . . But I decided to tell you. 

If you were able to understand the movements I described during the second dance, that is and actual ballroom dance--it's the swing. So, if you're able to to pull it off from what I described, you can totally blow your friends away and show them that you can ballroom dance! (Oh, the miracles of both your parents having a degree in ballroom dancing.)

Pronunciation guide:

*Ryall

RE-all.

*Rhylath

RYE-ah-lath.

*Visermann

Ah... This German name. I really want to spell it with a w, like it's supposed to be, but I fear that nobody will know to pronounce it properly. They'll all say "wiser-man." And even now, I'm unsure, thinking that they'll say "visor-man."

V-EYE-sir-menn. It's a hard v. Vi is one syllable.


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Tue Aug 23, 2016 9:23 am
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Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey! Due to our agreement thought I'd continue to review your story. I really liked the first chapter and was intrigued to see what happened next :) . Just going to list observations, and hope I can help :) .

Firstly, just want to say - love the picture. It gave good imagery of their clothing in the first setting of this chapter. I love how it links :) .

My first criticism, however, is going to be your use of paragraphs. On one hand, I feel like you use them really effectively. For instance, "It was his turn to be knighted." as a paragraph on its own, really emphasises how big this event is, and how powerful he is going to become. Alternatively, sometimes you use paragraphs unnecessarily. Here's two examples.

1) "Edmond attempted to leave the ballroom as casually as possible.

He failed, only realizing that he had when Baron Raleigh Axtrous's daughter, Susanne, ran up to him, curly blonde hair and frilly blue dress bobbing."
-I personally feel this could be made into one paragraph.. as you're not exactly changing the topic or anything.. You're continuing to explain about his attempt of leaving :) .


Second example...
"Triple step, triple step. . . Edmond thought, doing a bouncy step to one side, then back the other way. Rock step. He and Susanne both stepped back slightly, then pulled back in.

Arch. . . Edmond lifted his hand up, turning it to the side so it was flat. Susanne lifted her hand and put it across Edmond's, so they resembled a T. He walked forward to his left, Susanne passing by him on his right. Rock step. They stepped back so it flowed better."
-Obviously, that's just my opinion but I do feel like it would be better put all together :P.


My next critique is this...
"I'm not in that much of a powerful position, am I?" (don't know how to put it in italics) but yeah. I feel like this is slightly awkward to read because of the way it's worded. So maybe alter it a little. Maybe something like "This position isn't that powerful, is it?" ..or something. Also, you put it all in italics except 'that' if you haven't noticed. :P


Another thing.. when the man shouts "Have you heard!" you need a question mark rather than an exclamation mark.

Oo yeah, I really like your song - I suppose you made that, right? I think it flows really well when the lyrics of... "Step up,

"Step down,

"Go on, turn around,

"Singing to the Song of Redeeming Love. (I like this bit :P)

However, I feel the bit about "gracefully as a dove" doesn't really flow with it's rhyming couplet because of the differing syllable amounts in the two lines. So personally, I'd try to reword it .. maybe something like "spread your arms with grace like a dove" because then they both have 8 syllables. Or something, ya get me drift.

My last improvement would be this sentence..

"If you weren't used to them, the blades would be a little difficult to pull from the target; because they were four inches of ebony driven straight into several inches of solid balsa wood"

I'm personally not keen on the change in perspective when using the word "you", I feel like its too direct for your story. I'd personally change it to "To those who weren't used to them..."

But overall, I really enjoy reading your story :) . You use good character descriptions, and made everyone seem unique. Also, your flashback was good, and it makes me wonder about the mother's significance in your story :) . Oo yeah by the way, loved the Dark heart sword description and the imagery you gave with its purple appearance! And finally, loved this simile "silent as a viper".

So yeah, I'll continue reading on, and I hope our agreement continues too :D . Hope I could help! Keep on writing :)


Lauren :D






Whoop whoop! I'm glad to know you enjoyed this.
This review might be what I needed, actually. Something always felt off about this chapter to me and I could never put my finger on what.
So, the second paragraph change, the: "Edmond tried to leave the ball as casually as possible blah blah blah". . .
I placed that in a paragraph on its own?
I do not know why I did that.
The reason everything was placed in italics but the "that" in said sentence is because I was stressing it. Generally, when you stress a word, you place it in italics--but because you use italics when you're writing a thought, you do the opposite to stress a word; you make it normal.
P.S. The way you make italics[/i] and [b]bold in comments is to use BBCode. You use [brackets] (these should be right next to the "P" key on your keyboard). You place "i" in [brackets] to make it italics, then do "/i" in brackets to make things stop being italics. Same goes for bold--you just use "b" instead of "i".
HOW THE HECK DID I MISS A PUNCTUATION MISTAKE LIKE THAT!?
Thank you, thank you for pointing out that I switched from third person to second person. I sometimes do that and it's hard for me to catch. . . I need pointers like that now and again.
Thank you very much for your review! I'll get to reviewing the second chapter of your story as soon as I can. . . Though it may take a while, now that I'm taking on the initial load of schoolwork that comes with the end of summer vacation.
Have a wonderful day!
-Jay





Also, I just hired a friend of mine who is much more skilled than I am at drawing--so the crest changed, if you're interested in seeing it. It's just at the top of the page, like the other one--higher quality and the image is larger.



Laurenh6 says...


No worries! I didn't know that about the font - thanks for that xD - maybe I'll use it in da future. Have fun with all that school work ;)



Laurenh6 says...


Oo and I do like that crest :D



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Wed Apr 13, 2016 4:55 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi BlueJayWalker10, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D
Sorry about taking so long to get another review in, but I should be able to finesh reviewing your story by the end of the month. :D

Story plot: The story is progressing and a steady pace and I think the next chapter is going to be fun to read after the cliff hanger you left me with. I am sure that you have layed in a few plot points here and there, but for the moment the story is mostly focussed on character development, which you are doing really well.


Characters: ("Come to speak with me about how the ladies look in their gaudy gown?" Edmond asked,) this is a good piece of dialogue, but it might have some more meat to it if you added (sarcastically) or (mockingly) to the end of (asked).

("What are you saying!" bellowed a voice) you put the dialogue in italics, so at first I thought it was Edmond thinking, but then it turned out to be some one shouting. I would make the dialogue all capitals if someone is shouting. It will make it feel stronger. :D

( "Nice night, isn't it?" Edmond said to himself,) I found this a little strange. I think it might be better if it was a thought or if you said ("It's a nice night,").

(When his mother had passed, they had told the twins that she had turned into a star.

"What has happened to mother? Why is she not moving?" Myles and Richard asked in unison.

"She--she--she. . ." Edmond couldn't answer.

"She is a star now, my boys. . ." Alexander had a faraway look in his eyes, as if trying not to cry by keeping his mind off everything. "She will always watch you from above."

"I wonder how you'd be, seeing your little boy, your eight-year-old troublemaker, all grown up. . . A knight now," he muttered to himself as he walked to his quarters.) this was a great insite to his character and past. :D

Overall I feel like I am starting to know Edmond rather well and I am starting to connect to him as a character. :D


Descriptions: (It was a beautiful ebony blade, jet black--though at the edges it glinted a slight shade of dark purple, hinting at it being edged with obsidian. The handle, which was polished iron, was black as the night sky.) this is my favourite description in your story by far. I can picture the sword crystal clear and it has a great name too. :D

(Though Edmond wished to be other places--due to prior unsavory experiences within large crowds--it was only common courtesy, being the crown prince and a new knight after all.

"Edmond!" Lionel called not too long after the ball had started. He turned to see his friend walking up to him, wineglass in hand.) in-between these two line is a perfect place to put some description about the ball. :D

On the whole you could do with more description in little amounts through out the chapters. The description that you do give however, is really good. :D


Grammar and Punctation: (due to prior unsavory ) I think you meant to say (unsavoury). I couldn't spot anything else.


Small nit picks: (See that ye serve with all your heart, might, mind and strength) (might) and (strength) mean the same thing, so if I were you I would take out one of them so it doesn't get repetitive.

(woman or man, child or man, in their times of need?) I am not sure whether you meant it or not, but you said man twice. :D


Overall this was another great chapter and I will read the rest as soon as I can. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D






Thank you for this wonderful review, Felistia!
As for the "heart, might, mind and strength" I'm actually quoting scripture. Doctrine & Covenants 4: 2
"O ye that embark in the service of God, see tht ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day."
It was a subconscious quote that I only noticed after reading through this chapter several times, but it's still a quote nonetheless.
Savour/savor are both acceptable. You are frlm Britain or Australia or another Eastern country, no? That's probably why you spell it with a u . Y'know, like color versus colour?
Thanks again for the review!
-Jay
P.S. Take your time. You don't have to rush in reviews--I don't want you to feel guilty or anything. I just want to improve so others can enjoy wonderful work!



felistia says...


I am actually from South Africa, but my spell check is Australian. Sorry about that. :D
It's great to hear that you were quoting from the bible. :D





Ah, it's okay. So I was right, you were from some other Eastern country in the general area. (Sorry if I seemed racist/like a jerk for choosing Britain or Australia)



felistia says...


Oh no. You didn't seem racist. :D



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Mon Mar 14, 2016 4:01 pm
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Meerkat wrote a review...



Hey, BlueJayWalker10. It's Meerkat here for chapter two, as per your request.

Some edits for specific phrases and such:

-"He had pure gold irises." I get that this is fantasy, so it's fine to take some liberties with genetics. I'm just wondering, though, what the boundaries are for biology in the story. We haven't seen anything other than regular humans yet, though elements of the divine have been mentioned. Since pure gold irises don't occur naturally, I'm assuming that either Senri or his mother (since his father has blue eyes) is supernatural in some way. It's just unusual to have one clearly extraordinary trait amidst a cast of "normal" people.
-"...his build would suggest..." Keep this consistent with the past tense. "...his build suggested..." would be better.
-"His bed was a grand four poster made of redwood, which off to his left, with a chest for his personal items at the end." This sentence is worded oddly. I might suggest omitting the phrase between the commas.
-"Ebony was also up with the stronger metals, but it was a pure metal--not an alloy." Ebony is not a metal; it's actually a type of wood. As such, it would make for a poor material for swords and throwing knives. If you want to invent a new type of metal to use in weapons, like you've done with arsteel, that's fine, though.
-"...four inches of ebony driven straight into solid oak." Oak is a pretty durable wood, and it's usually not recommended for throwing targets. I know Edmond is quite talented, but especially if your blades are ebony, you're going to damage some knives that way.
-"Edmond sort of smiled, laughed, and sighed at the same time, while wiping his forehead and pushing his hair back." That's a lot of actions for one sentence. You may want to break this up a bit.

Throughout the chapter, you use "--" dashes and ". . ." ellipses pretty often. It gets distracting and can break the flow, so cutting down on these two types of punctuation would be an improvement.

One major qualm I had with the chapter: the character of Visermann. You know the saying, "A story is only as good as its villains?" I think it usually rings true. Assuming Visermann is going to be a major antagonistic force in the novel, he needs a lot of improvement. This cliché of the sinister, snakelike brother of the noble king is ridiculously prevalent in the fantasy genre. There are so many more options for a villain! Furthermore, adding some complexity to the character wouldn't go amiss. Currently, his only trait seems to be "blatantly evil." Visermann has no real depth at this point, and a compelling story needs a well-rounded antagonist—someone the readers either love to hate or hate to love.

Regarding the Stormlight Archive itself: it's pretty much a MacGuffin so far. Readers don't know why the King is searching for it so desperately, what power it holds, or why it matters. The Archive(s) should be more than an easy driving force for the plot; it should actually mean something. Understanding its significance would improve one's investment in the story.

Your language flowed well in this chapter, and I'm glad to see more characterization give to Edmond. There's still some things that need work, but this is really shaping up to be a promising book. I hope I was able to help, and wish you well in future writing.

Have a great day!






Hey! Thank you so much for reading this and commenting on this.
First off--(Speaking my thoughts on Visermann & Senri)
Spoiler! :
I'm not sure if I'm actually going to make Visermann an antagonist. However, I am going to say that he is mixed up with the archives. . . His son has come in contact with one of them. That's why his eyes are gold.

I know very well that ebony is a type of wood. xD (Like a lot of my favorite authors, I do research stuff before I write about it.)
I was trying to think of a very strong, yet light metal that was sharp and midnight black. I couldn't find anything.
So I decided--Screw it, this is a fantasy world! and made ebony a metal instead of wood.
Thank you for pointing out everything else for me, though! Have a great day! P.S. Do you think Words Written in Lightning should just start with this chapter, and I should get rid of the other?
Thanks again!
-Jay



Meerkat says...


I think having this chapter be number one would be better, yes. Perhaps a snappy hook at the beginning would be a good thing to add as well.
I can't wait to find out
Spoiler! :
who the real antagonist will be.

Best of luck, and I'll try to get to Chapter Three soon.



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Thu Mar 10, 2016 12:20 am
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RubyRed wrote a review...



Hey, BlueJayWalker10. I'm here to review your work, as requested. Sorry it took so long btw. Anyways, I really, really loved this chapter better than the last one. This felt less rushed and better explained. The description was amazing. I love how you tell what's going on around the characters instead of leaving it blank. I have a few tips though so let's get into it! :D

Beginning:

It was a beautiful ebony blade, jet black--Though at the edges it glinted a slight shade of dark purple, hinting at it being edged with obsidian.


You don't need to capitalize "Though" it's in the middle of the sentence.

Edmond asked, staring momentarily in shock at a woman who wore a bright red gown that was tight in all the right places and tighter still in all the wrong ones.


Hahahahaha, this made me crack up. Great job! :P

The dance:

I know you wanted Edmond to seem annoyed at dancing with that girl, Susanne, but you should have made it longer. Like describe how the dance went, what the steps were, the background, the musical instruments, or maybe describe the people bumping into each other ever so often. I just kind of wanted to see more of Edmonds personality and you could really explain why he doesn't want to dance with her and such.

The end:

Edmond, though, having been gifted them by a Chang man--whose name was Aru Akise--eight years before, he was quite used to them, to say the least.


This was very confusing. It was hard to find out what you were trying to say--I had to go over it a few times but maybe if you changed it to something simpler then the reader would be able to understand what you're getting at without all the struggle.

Example: Edmond, having been gifted them eight years before by a Chang man--whose name was Aru Akise--was quite used to them... to say the least.

That way it's less complicated.

Edmond smiled and sort of laughed and sighed at the same time, wiping his forehead and pushing his hear back.


Same here. It could be simplified a bit to make it clearer. Also, you had "hear" instead of "hair". :)

Example: Edmond sort of smiled, laughed, and sighed at the same time, while wiping his forehead and pushing his hair back.

Suddenly, the alarm bells rang.


Oh my gosh what's going to happen next?! I love the way you ended this! I have to read the next chapter now. Anyway, now that I've reached the end of the story, I must wrap this review up. Great job! Don't quit! It was awesome! I really enjoyed it. Keep writing and never get discouraged.

~Keepwriting






Thank you for the review!
Good to know that you enjoyed this chapter much more. I will admit--I put a lot more time into this chapter than I did the first.
I thank you very much for the suggestions--often times I forget that I should n't make it seem like my sentences are in code. xD
The dance. . Perhaps I should elaborate on that. Maybe add another song, but instead of singing it, I should just show them dancing. (My parents both have degrees in ballroom dancing so I know how to ballroom dance lol)
Thanks again for reviewing this!
-Jay



RubyRed says...


No problem! :D



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Wolfical wrote a review...



Hello again! :)

He began to twitter his thumbs anxiously.

"Twitter" as a verb refers to the sound of birds, so I'm sure you meant instead to say "twiddle."
To hold true, to swear fealty to this kingdom and it's king?

Just a little typo. "It's" should be "its."
He offered her his arm, which she took delicately. offering her his arm. he lead her to the center of the ballroom

I think you can see for yourself that something's off here :P (darn editing!)
"Fit your hands together as a glove,

Nice song! You wrote it yourself, yes? From what I could see, the only part that slipped from the usual rhythm of the song was this line. I think there's one too many syllables. Here's what I'd suggest instead: "Fit your hands together as gloves." I know that the perfect rhyming thing you have going on would be unsettled with that little s, but a near rhyme should do just as well.
Much less effective for keeping hidden, arsteel being one of the strongest alloys but pearl white, and--in some cases--almost translucent. Ebony was also up with the stronger metals, but it was a pure metal--not an alloy. Ebony was pitch black, and far from translucent.

Wouldn't translucence contribute to the blade's capability of staying hidden? It seems like you're saying that the arsteel can't be hidden as well, and yet the blades are translucent.
Suddenly, the alarm bells began to ring.

In order to be a proper cliffhanger sentence, you need that extra word here. Otherwise, it almost seems like the ringing of the alarm bells is a commonplace thing.

I'm very curious as to why Edmond was so reluctant to be at the party after the knighting ceremony. He says that he'd rather be elsewhere, but why, exactly? He has his friend, Lionel, and dozens of pretty girls who I'm sure would love to dance with him. There's a reason why he wanted to leave the party, but I don't think you explained it clearly enough. Clear character motives are essential for a realistic plot.

I'm looking forward to better understanding the relationship between Edmond and his father. In the last chapter you told us that a lot of the love that the king holds for his son results from the love he had for his wife, as his children are the only parts of her that he has left. But by the way he dressed himself up and how he tenderly handed the new sword to his son, I'm sure that Alexander's love for his son is deep and profound. I just haven't seen enough of their reactions to be sure. So far, Alexander has seemed too busy/grieved to pay much attention to Edmond.

This plot is going along very nicely! The proclamation about the archives from this mysterious family member sure stirs things up, and the darn alarm cliffhanger at the end of the chapter is telling me that the action will be picking up!

I really appreciate Lionel's attitude and really his character as a whole. I haven't seen any "bad" side of him yet. He's been a very loyal friend and at then ending scene of this chapter, it seems like he wants to please Edmond more than anything, even though his own aptitude at knife-throwing is lacking.

All in all, very nice chapter! I loved the description of Edmond's new sword. I have a feeling that that thing's going to be handy sometime later in this book. Once again, let me know when the next chapter is out! ;) Keep on writing ~






Thank you very much for this review! I love reading your reviews.
Thanks for pointing out a couple of my grammar errors--I can't believe I let that one before the dance slide through my re-reads!--and helping me rephrase my song. I noticed that too, though I was unsure as to whether or not I should change it or not.
So, a couple things that I wanted to say:
When King Alexander is giving Edmond the sword, his quiet reverence was meant to be mostly directed towards the sword, not Edmond, though I can see now how you'd make that mistake. Any suggestions on how to fix that bit? xD
And, I think I mentioned in the previous chapter--though I may have cut that bit out and forgotten--that Edmond is anxious when in large crowds, and being knighted that day had only made it worse. Hence the reason he was pacing the room when he was introduced. Though if I did forget and actually cut that out, I'll fix that the next time I run through the chapter for grammar mistakes.
Thanks again for the review!
-Jay



Wolfical says...


Oh alright! Yeah, when the king hands Edmond the sword, I kind of felt something iffy going on between their relationship, but it wasn't strong enough for me to recognize it completely. I feel like in a normal father and son relationship (while he surely feels reverence for the sword) the king should feel overwhelming pride for his son more than anything. Maybe we can see into Edmond's thoughts a bit more - how he feels about however his father is acting (describe the look in his eyes?) and how he feels about big crowds. That detail wasn't very clear to me. You might have left it out, although I might have just forgotten. It's always a good idea to show your readers your character's inner turmoil, nonetheless! Just showing their outside actions don't always cut it - their thoughts, though, tend to do just the trick.

If anything I said needs clarification, please let me know!





Oh, totally! I get what you mean. I realize that I have the problem where I forget to add some context and it makes it more difficult for the reader to understand, but it's easy for be because I'm the author and I know whatever the heck is going on.
Also, I forgot to mention the bit about the translucence of arsteel.
It's stark white--not very easy to hide unless you're fighting in snow. I imagine it to look something like quartz--just heavier. I should probably add a smilie to help describe it better, because, well--Would you think it'd be easier to hide a knives made of quartz, or ebony? Y'know what I mean?



Wolfical says...


Well, I don't know. Against dark clothing, probably ebony. But against light skin or clothing? Quartz. Without knowing the clothing color that the particular person is wearing, it's literally "black or white" to me. I see your point, but I guess we're picturing different images. Just clarify in your writing, especially what clothing color the blades would be up against.





'Kay. Thanks for pointing that out to me!
But didn't I explain what Lionel was wearing when he first came into the room? White shirt and a crimson tunic with Rhylath's symbol. Black trousers.




Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard