Us

Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started.
Can I just quickly point out that the last two lines are sort of from a Fall Out Boy song? Yeah I would cut those out. Also you don't need any of the slashes. When you start a new line that is clear enough to the reader that there is a slight pause and slashes aren't needed.

Btw how to make stanzas: hold down shift and hit enter takes away the double spacing and you can hit it multiple times to space out stanzas and make this more organized.

Onto the actual poem, this is an interesting process to do since I already know your situation, but I liked this. I can see the emotions, but instead of the whole "I care so much and he doesn't care at all" poetry can make it beautiful when you humanize the antagonist and give him feelings too. How do you think he reacted to some of your emotions? How would he react if you showed him this very piece? Expand on this.
Don't capitalize every line. I would suggest either making it into sentences and only capitalizing the first letter and breaking it up and then putting a period at the end OR don't capitalize as much without any punctiation. It would help if you had stanzas because that would create better transitions. Another thing I noticed is you start saying "He" and only addressing the reader as "You" but then you switch during these lines
"I can't tell what I'd give

To make you care/"
To addressing the guy as "You". This isn't just confusing to the reader but causes a tone shift because now you are directly talking to him. Choice one format or the other.
Have a nice day and I hope this helped.
~Purple

"with only a smile he erases the past"--don't you HATE IT when they do that?

Okay, sorry. Had to get that out of my system since there is definitely a boy like that in my past. With that truth out there, I'd argue that it IS at least partly their fault if you love them, because they can be so charming when they want to be. I mean, if they're not going to give you the love you deserve when they know how you feel, couldn't they give you clear signals they're not interested instead of mixed messages?

Anyway, I think this works better as song lyrics than as a poem--it definitely sounds like something you'd hear on the radio, but it's not particularly image-filled and doesn't make use of much figurative language (except the last two lines and the line about "your name in my skin," which are definitely the strongest lines). Slam poetry can also be less imagey, but if you mean this as a slam poem then there should be more devices that would make it really strong as a read-aloud--rhythm, maybe rhyme, alliteration, assonance and consonance, things like that.

Which is not to say that it's bad, because based on the way I started this review it's obviously relateable...it's just mostly lacking in the devices that poetry generally wants. Hence why I think it works better as lyrics, because lyrics (usually) don't make much use of these devices either, at least not nearly as much of them as poetry does.

(Unless you're listening to Imogen Heap and Owl City, who rarely just come out and say stuff like other artists.)

Hope this helps!

Blue

Hai, Laure here for a review! Soi apologize before hand if I'm being too critical here. Let us start with the things I liked. I liked the way you sometimes repeat the words, as it adds a lyrical feel to the poem. I also liked the fact that this poem was simple though I can still detect sincerity and heartbreak and sadness behind it. I liked the bluntness nature of this poem, you don't hold back your desires but merely fling it out open. It had a very nice effect.

Now, I have a few nitpicks. I noticed that you switched between past and present tense quite often. Now I'm no grammar whiz but could you please try to stick to either past or present? Is very confusing to read one line in past and then the next in present. I also found that your language at some places fell flat, as in it was too literal. It felt like cutout cardboard and you had plaster those words on, I'm sorry if I sound harsh but that is how is it, like in stanza four (I assume the slashes were stanza break? Did you not know how to space the lines? Is control + double shift. You can always preview it to make sure. The poem looks like one long poem the way you didn't space it out) it was just like you were saying these things in a monotonous voice. I can't feel the writer behind those words,I feel no emotion. So basically, show don't tell in that case. Show us how, and let the readers make the emotions. Manipulate it so that the readers feel what you want them to. Don't tell us you need him to hold you, show us.

Though, this is still a good poem with a good content, keep on writing. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Kudos

-Laure