Three drops of glistening rain
Pitter, patter, splash
The little girl sits and watches
Wishing the rain was magic
Then it could heal the hurt
She's always felt
---
Little kisses is what she felt
As she looked skyward unto the torrent of rain
It should have hurt
Splash, splash, splash
But now she was numb, like magic
You can see her ghost as she watches
---
She stands guard over the old house, just watches, watches
I believe her gaze can still be felt
A beautiful catastrophe, a little bit of magic
She appears every rain
She's beating on the roof now, crash, splash
Appreciate the happiness we have, never feeling that terrible hurt
---
That burden that never leaves, an unfailing hurt
Hear the boards on the old porch, like her soul, creak as she watches
The tears mix with the rain and splash
Down the mother's cheeks as she felt
The pain in her heart, just listening to the rain
All she needs is a little bit of Heaven's magic
---
Please, just a little bit of magic
The destitute mother prays, giving her hurt
To whatever power lies above the cold, hard rain
She lays her soul out for the world as she watches
But there is not another soul to feel what she felt
Now it is raining blood, splish, splash
---
It will not stop, splash, splash, splash
Water and blood should never mix. It's magic
The old mother cries for the last time, as she felt
That unbearable hurt
Now nobody sits and watches
For the little girl in the rain
---
The splashing, slippery, torrential, magical rain
Is the only one left that watches
It is all that's left to feel that hurt
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140,656 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
When i read the tile i expected something typical and cliche but i have to say that you surprised me. I loved your poem, i loved the depth of the emotions which was evident throughout. The detailed imagery, the well chosen words and of course the repeating endings make it so beautiful. The only thing that i couldn't really understand was the use of the word 'magic'. To me, it didn't seem appropriately placed and sounded like it was forced just to make it end that way. Nevertheless, good work!!
Thank you!! I really appreciate it. As for the word "Magic", I chose to use it becauseit worked well in the first two stanzas. However, when writing a sestina you must follow a strict end-word pattern, and I ended up having to fit it in the rest of the stanzas.
If I were to guess, the message of the poem would have to do with dealing with a loss. I love poems like these because you can make up your own interpretation of what is happening. Also, the style of the poem automatically drew me in and made me want to keep on reading. I've never heard of this style before, but it is very effective. The only thing I would change would be to make separate stanzas instead of using slashes. Keep up the good work!
Thanks! I actually tried to use spaces, but I'm convinced my computer hates me, so It kept reverting back to the original format.
Technology these days!
Hi there, LGF here for a quick review;
I think honestly that this is a really neat and thoughtful poem. The imagery is breathtaking and the way you use vocabulary is really beautiful, and I can tell you really have a gift for that. There are some nitpicks though, so I'll go through those with you quickly;
1. She's always felt/
Little kisses is what she felt
Firstly, the slash isn't needed. Second I think it should be 'She' in the first line and I would suggest adding 'that' at the end of the first line. Thirdly, the second line maybe change it to 'Little kisses was what she felt' so the lines turn into;
She always felt,
Little kisses was what she felt.
Anyway, only suggestions.
2. She appears every rain
I don't know, this line just sounded slightly awkward. You could change it to, like SubtleSanity said; 'She appears in every rain"
So those are the only nitpicks that I picked up on.
Overall, I really thought this was a neat, detailed poem and the end was beautifully melancholy, sort of adding a twist.
Hope you liked the review;
LGF
Thanks much LGF. I do appreciate your feedback, but when writing this style ( a sestina), you are required to keep with the same six ed words in a particular order for every stanza.
The slash arks were meant to indicate the separation of stanzas because for some reason my computer would not let me put space in between. Thanx!
Ahh... Well then just ignore some of my comments... :0
Hello, Subtle here for a review! First of all, welcome to YWS! ^^
-> She has always felt. The contraction doesn't quite fit rhythm.This is a really sweet poem, despite the melancholy ending. It still is a rather beautiful poem, the words of this poem are mostly concise and well-chosen so they express the rain and the girl well enough. However, there are a few places where it sounded awkward and unnecessary. I also noticed the slash here and there, I assume those are stanza breaks? The break on YWS is control + shift, it will make the poem look neater is you use a proper break instead of slashes. The general rhythm overall was pretty steady, but there were places where you had stumps. Though I know I have said earlier the words were concise, there were places where it fell quite flat because the words were too simple. Thought I also think the simplicity nature of this poem also contributed to its sweetness and sadness, so you will have to find a balance between the two.
Some suggestions and nitpicks:
Is should be was. I also noticed that you switched between present and past quite a lot, I won't point all of them out but I recommend you to look over your time and correct them.
This is nice repetition of watches, watches. It adds a nuance of danger and horror to the poem.
This doesn't quite make sense, perhaps you meant. 'She appears in every rain?'
-> Like her soul, the boards on the porch creak as she watches. Your line sounded a bit awkward, so I wrote an alternative one. You don't have to use it if you don't like it.
Feel and felt in the same line? It sounds a bit redundant, maybe try. 'But there is not another soul to understand what she felt?'
-> The 'it' is unnecessary, it has no effect. Is works just fine.
Now, I'm sorry to do this to you. But this quoted part makes close to no sense, I can't completely correct it to you because only you can rephrase this to your wanted meaning. But I will point out some of the awkward spots.
Line 1-4 doesn't have much connection as in the sentences fit awkwardly.
Line 5 has far too much adjectives, I think you can get rid of slippery and torrential. Isn't magic and splash what you have empathized so far throughout the whole poem?
Line 6-7 also doesn't quite fit together. Is feels awkward. (Sorry I keep using that word.)
So, that's it, I hope I wasn't too harsh on you! I look forward to your future poems and their improvements. Keep up the good work!
-S.s