If I just lay here
Letting the blood run
Would you cry with me, and stop up the blood
Or would you twist my arm to make me bleed faster
to put me out of my misery
---
If I asked
Would you say I deserve a second chance
or would u tell me to give up
That you know I've had enough
of this life and I should just let go
For the good of the both of us
---
Because people say that I should love you
And at first I believe them
But when I look into your eyes, sometimes
I see a monster that you keep hidden at all costs
Created by what you've lost
And it makes my blood run cold
To realize that you've sold your soul
---
I stare at this picture of you
and I cry silently
And as the tears fall down my cheeks
I mourn for what you used to be
This person is unrecognizable
---
You've changed, I say, as I stare
I am afraid of you
Your lips mimic my movements
As if you are a demon
But the time is come to face the reality
So I gather my courage, wipe my tears
and turn away from my reflection
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139,614 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Hello!
Wow, I was not expecting that last line. What a kicker! It really changed the whole poem. I love surprises like that.
So, I enjoyed this, but there are some things that I think could be improved.
First of all, this becomes almost navel-gazing. I understand that this is a poem about finding strength within yourself, but one of the main things about poetry is that it need to relate to everyone. I personally don't know what it's like to feel this way. This subject is rather difficult to turn outwards, and I've never written much on this subject, but I know you can do it. Make your poem focus less on specifically you, and more on the world as a whole. You should keep this in mind as you edit, and as you write future poetry.
These are almost the exact words from snow patrol. I know that probably inspired this, but it was so obvious that it was that, that I might suggest scratching this part. Plus, usually when you look in a reflection, you're standing. I just don't think you need to pilfer lyrics.
Okay, time to breech something rather sensitive: Blood.
Blood is probably one of the most cliche/"this is emo poetry and I have feelings so feel my feelings gaaaah" words out there. I generally try to avoid it unless I'm sure that I'm using it in an instance that is not cliche/what I just said up there.
Emo poetry is not generally good poetry. There's a whole forum about that here: "Emo" Poetry vs. Good Poetry
Take a peek.
That "u" stuck out like a *insert cliche here.* You didn't speak in text language the rest of the poem, and I can't see why you would now. Quick fix.
There are also some other words and phrases that seem a little cliche, and the topic itself if kind of cliche. But that's okay, it's hard to break out of those at the start of writing. It took me a long time to break out of cliches too. My advice: read lots of really good poetry that avoids cliches. See what they do. If you're looking for people who write this, well, there's all sorts of published people you can find (but sometimes even they rely on cliches, and because they're published, you think it's okay.) I'll recommend some people on this site whose works you can peruse, and then you can read what people had to say about their works. That's probably one of the best things about YWS: you don't have to go searching for reviews of some published person's works, the reviews are right there, under the work.
So here's a short list:
penguinattack
lumi
audy
persy
And you can always look at my poetry if you want to, but I can't promise it'll all be good.
Ooh, and something else. I think you tried to rhyme in here a little, but it just came out as forced, and irregular. One thing about rhyming is that you want it to be consistent, and as unforced as possible. Otherwise, it pollutes your meaning.
Let me know if you have any questions!
I did enjoy this poem though. Don't get me wrong. especially that twist at the end.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Sunshine here to review......
Yay! Review day reviews!!! Let's get started now shall we? This was a very powerful poem. This poem just had that wow factor. This was very deep and meaningful.
"If I lay here
If I just lay here"
This line made me think of the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. Actually this poem made me think of a couple of songs. Demons by Imagine Dragons also popped into my head while reading this. This poem is a more creative and original than the other cliché poems like this out there. This is very relatable piece and it keeps the readers attention.
"So I gather my courage, wipe my tears
and turn away from my reflection"
That is really powerful and very true and very very relatable. This was well written and I really liked it. Good job and keep on writing!!
Lacy Here(:
Okay, I honestly loved this! The structure is very easy to follow and the story is unpredictable. I like that in the end you revealed that the monster was you.
A lot of teenagers can relate to this, i'm definitely one of them! I read this poem probably about six times before I reviewed it. Its breathtaking, I wish I could write like this!
You are so talented, the world needs more writers like this(:
Good job!
Thanx so much that means alot!
~Bitter
Ok ,rikki here for a brief review for your poem.
The structure of the poem looks good and quite easy to follow as well. Well written in the form of paragraphs to avoid any uneasiness or clumsiness.
Now the poetry seems a bit sardonic though as it conveys to mock a few ideas presented beforehand. It deeply expresses a sense of doubt or disbelief.
It visualizes the demon that lives within every individual whether their goodness will soothe you
or their viciousness will ultimately harm you. The first two paragraphs neatly express those.
These lines clearly demonstrates sense of suspicion.
" Because people say that I should love you
And at first I believe them
But when I look into your eyes, sometimes
I see a monster that you keep hidden at all costs
Created by what you've lost
And it makes my blood run cold
To realize that you've sold your soul "
The feeling of demonic nature of a person induces fear which these lines express and some of the most well written conveyed thoughts too .
" You've changed, I say, as I stare
I am afraid of you
Your lips mimic my movements
As if you are a demon
But the time is come to face the reality
So I gather my courage, wipe my tears
and turn away from my reflection "
Anyways, keep writing.
All the best.
Thanxx for the review, but I just wanted to note, this poem isn't meant to be sardonic at all. but thanx otherwise!!