The Hybrids (Chapter 10) (Chapter 9 *Revised)

by jls1638

Published January 22, 2015

16+ Language

In The Hybrids

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I split the previous chapter 9 into two sections and made revisions, this is the second half of the chapter 9 I previously submitted


Chapter 10

Sarah

We are transported to Enki’s home and, luckily, Alessandro refrained from being an ass. I look forward, seeing the spot where the rivers meet. Before I can call Enki, I see that someone is already there.

“I see events have been set into motion. I presume you are Sarah. You look like your mother.” The being responds

“Enki. Though you don’t resemble your murals. Other than the beard, you don’t wear anything you are depicted in, but I am not here to discuss the state of your dress. I require a few things and I believe you can help me.” I say, attempting to portray an essence of calm. I need to be respectful. He smirks and almost doubles over laughing at my comment.

“I don’t get it, what’s funny.”

“I am the high god of wisdom and just watching you restrain your questions amuses me. That along with your reputation.” At my surprise he elaborates, “You really think that I would leave but one person to observe you and that my people wouldn’t update me? Yes, I have heard many things about you, including your infamous personality.”

“Fine, I’ll jump to the chase. First, can you please hide my aunt, Nerida? I fear that the government is going to use her against me to get me to do whatever they want. Second, I have quite a few questions and things that I need cleared up.”

“That’s more like it. Yes, I can help keep Nerida safe. I see that you are developing the wisdom I gifted you. That’s good, you’ll need that for the upcoming war. As for the questions there are a few things that if you know now will alter the way history is to take place. So you can ask all the questions you want but some I won’t be able to answer.”

“Okay, fair enough. I would like to get Nerida settled before I ask my questions. I don’t want to take any chances should something happen.”

“Sounds good. Follow me.” He starts walking before I can say anything. I stop him before he can go farther into the rivers.

“Wait, Nerida and I can’t breathe underwater. How are we supposed to follow you and what about Ramos? Alessandro may be a mythological creature that breaths underwater, but the rest of us aren’t.”

“I can put a bubble around Nerida and Ramos but how are you sure you can’t breathe underwater. Have you ever tried?”

I stare at him blankly, stunned at his comment “What all abilities did you give me?”

“We will wait till we get into my home to discuss more if you are truly concerned with Nerida’s safety.” He says right before diving into the rivers. I watch the bubble he conjured around Nerida and Ramos follow him before I dive in after him.

As I dive down into the depths of the Tigris and Euphrates, I realize the light doesn’t dim the farther down we go. Although surprised at the obvious fundamental problem, I set it aside to pay attention to following Enki. “For a god he really doesn’t move fast.” As I finish the thought, Enki looks back at me. “Great, he’s listening to my thoughts. I already have one person to do that I don’t need a god doing that too.”

It’s not long till we get to an opening in the side of the river. “Why is it so small, I thought this was the house of a god?” I think as we swim through an entrance the size of a man-hole cover. After a few seconds of swimming I realize my mistake. I look as if the hole opens up to a mansion sized cave. We swim into what looks like grand hall, sparkling with pearl colored walls that have been tainted blue by the water. I see a stair case leading up above the water and start swimming up the stairs after Enki. We reach the top of the stairs and are out of the water.

“No disrespect, but, what the hell did you do to me?” I say to Enki as he lets Ramos and Nerida out of the bubble. He takes his sweet time answering my question, rising my ire. Finally he responds.

“I gifted you. I can explain the extent of that here.” He finishes, motioning to a doorway that I hadn’t noticed. Reluctantly, I enter and see a study. With a couple of couches, a fire and books lining the walls, it feels homey. “Why would the god of water and knowledge need a fire? I walk forward and sit as similar thoughts race through my mind. I watch as Enki follows Ramos and my aunt into the room, shutting the door.

“Now, I’m sure you are wanting answers to a lot of questions. Before we do that though, I am going to go get Nerida settled in. I’ll be right back to answer your questions, feel free to explore but please stay in this room.” He says before leading my aunt out of the room. I am about to follow and make sure she’s fine when I hear,

“He won’t hurt her Sarah. Stop being so worrisome.” I turn and watch as Ramos sits down on the couch I just vacated. I glare at him but concede his point, deciding to instead look at Enki’s book collection. As I scour the titles, I’m awe stricken. Are these original works? I wonder as I read through titles of the most famous authors throughout time. An original copy of The Odyssey!? The written ideals of Plato himself?! Before I get much farther and awe stricken by his collection, Enki comes back in. The sound of the door closing startles me. So much for heightened hearing. I really need to learn to pay closer attention to my surroundings. As I finish the thought, I walk over to the couch and sit next to Ramos. While turned toward the door, I ask Enki, “So what’s your side of the story”

He responds, “My side of the story? It’s your past, not a crime scene Sarah. You’re going to need to accept what happened to you at some point. You need to be ready because you are the revolution. Your parents knew the government was wrong and were trying to stop them seven years ago. That’s why they were killed. Your parents got most of the geneticists to join the revolution but it was stopped once the government found out. Their deaths were made to look like freak accidents. It’s terrible what happened to them but that was seven years ago. You need to let it go and live in the now because the lives of millions depend on it. You were brought to my attention when you were started in the program. I had been monitoring the government’s progression into my world and knew something would happen but it wasn’t that time. I would have made an army and destroyed the program if your parents hadn’t brought the hybrid portion of the program to my attention. They saved your life. They asked me to do something that I never have. When your parents were given an ultimatum, either do what the government asks or risk everything they loved being taken away and their memories wiped, they decided to be strategic about it. They came to us as a group.”

At this I make him pause, “Whoa, hold up, what do you mean came to you as a group?”

“Just what I said, your parents came to a group of gods and asked us if we would bless you. Most of us agreed because of the impending desolation of the Maalamat.”

“What are you referring to by Maalamat?”

“That is what we are. All creatures homo-sapiens believe to be mythological are called Maalamat.”

“Then why did I never hear that name, and what do you mean most of a group of gods gifted me?”

“Why are you asking questions of things that I have already stated? Do you think I would lie? To answer your first question, you don’t know the name because you would have to be a Maalamat. It is imperative that only those who are Maalamat know the name because of the power it can bring. Now will you let me finish explaining or do you want to continually interrupt me with questions, further hindering the amount of information you will acquire?”

I sheepishly respond, “I’ll wait till you’re done to ask questions.”

“Thank you. Now, back to The Protiv.”

Right as I am about to question what he means by that, I see him look at me with a stern look and wait rather impatiently for him to continue. He continues with a smirk, “Our group that your parents talked to is called The Protiv. It includes Baldr, Ershkigal, Atropos, Ve and myself. We created the group to monitor and stop the invasion into the Maalamat society. Your parents brought you in front of the Protiv and we decided the best course of action was to gift you and train you when the time came. That time is now. You need to start training, that’s where Ramos comes in. He will be your guide in this revolution. He signed an agreement to honor you as your innocent, in return, he receives a pardon per se. In light of your parents demise and his capture, he is allowed the time to train and guide you.”

I am too stunned to process what he said. Oh . . . my . . . god. Life just got a whole lot harder. My mind races with the obvious questions as I try to process what he just told me. Okay, how the hell am I supposed to process this? I got gifts from five gods and I’m supposed to be kosher?! Yeah right! What the hell abilities did they gift me with anyways? This has to be a joke.

At the thought, I look at Enki and note the seriousness of his expression, nope not a joke. As the thoughts monopolize my mind, a random realization strikes me, Where is Alessandro? At this, I look around and start growing suspicious. Did that little shit freak out again?

When I finish the thought, I hear Enki answer my silent inquiry, “I sent Alessandro back to his job, I can’t have the government getting suspicious and connecting dots, now can I?”

With this, I ask, “How many departments of the government have you infiltrated?”

“All of them, of course.”

My jaw drops as this realization sinks in. With awe coursing through me, I ask, “What governments have you infiltrated?”

“We have people on all of the continents and you think we would avoid politics? Come on, I gifted you with intellect and wisdom, now use it. You’re starting to make me wonder if you’re the one I gifted. We have infiltrated every government. Although the American government, along with a few others, have resisted the knowledge of intellectual beings. When this happened, we were forced to take alternative measures, but I am telling you too much, you must return.”

He starts to stand but I stop him for the most important question I need answered, “Wait! Just answer one more question. What am I am I able to do with the abilities I was gifted?”

He sits back down, leaning forward in his chair, he responds, “First, even though you were gifted, all your abilities will come when you need them and not all at once. This is because, as you have noticed, it takes a toll on you. Second, what you will be able to do can’t be matched by any one being, if it could you wouldn’t be strong enough for your destiny. Now, Baldr made sure you would be able to recognize when someone is not telling the truth, no matter who it is. He decided that would be the most useful and least destructive of his abilities he could have gifted you. Ereshkigal gave you the ability to control demons with ill intent. The only limitation that has been set on you is that it won’t work if you are trying to make them do something immoral. Atropos gave you the ability to see scenes in the future. It only works with life or death situations that are an imminent threat. Ve gave you the ability of creation. He was a little concerned with gifting you but relented with one stipulation. Anything you create can’t do harm. Finally, I gifted you with all of my abilities. With this comes great responsibility. You have already developed a few of them, with the water, intellect, and wisdom. I am warning you though, when you get the ability to manipulate life and death, you must think of all the consequences. Everything happens for a reason, this is where the magical knowledge comes into play. You will understand and in some cases see the threads of life and essence connecting people. This is all I can tell you and the most I can prepare you without throwing the fates out of line.”

He then turns to Ramos, “Take her back to the cabin and talk. Something’s coming and she needs to be prepared.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Rosendorn
Review
Rosendorn wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Hello.

Haven't read any previous parts. Just going off what I see here.

First off, your dialogue punctuation is incorrect. I'd suggest proofreading this on your own with the article handy, so you can fix mistakes such as using a period when you mean a comma.

Secondly, your dialogue itself. It is very stiff, without any real personality to it. People don't speak in full sentences all the time, and they also don't distribute information without a motive to it. This article covers how to write dialogue in part.

Having straightforward dialogue is one of those things that sounds good, because you're expressing everything clearly, but it's really not good because people don't express themselves clearly. They filter their words through what they want to accomplish, what they think the other person wants to hear, and what they want to hide. This isn't to say you should make everybody speak cryptically, but you should consider why they're saying what they're saying. These two articles cover that.

You also mostly use dialogue tags, without much body language or any dialogue paragraphs that don't start with the dialogue itself. Inserting body language before the tag not only breaks up the format itself (reading the same format all the time gets very monotonous), but it helps readers figure out how the words are being said before they say it. Mentioning how people are standing, sitting, how they move, or the visible emotion on their face (if they clench their teeth when angry, for example), helps readers not only get an idea of the characters but also makes the dialogue appear more natural.

Overall, really work on your dialogue. Watch how published books use it, how people speak in real life and in instant messaging, and generally put some character in here. Dialogue is a critical way to differentiate characters and reveal who they are, both with what they say and how they say it, and you're not really maximizing it here; the dialogue is nothing but infodumping when it'd be a much better story if you made the dialogue more realistic.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

User avatar
ExOmelas
Review
ExOmelas wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Hi there,

I haven't read the other chapters but I am going to do my best to make this a useful review for you.

We are transported to Enki’s home and, luckily, Alessandro refrained from being an ass.

You have a tense switch here. This can easily be resolved by adding "has" between "Alessandro" and "refrained".

You look like your mother,the being responds.

The changes might not be immediately obvious so what I have done is: changed a full stop to a comma, made an "I" an "i" and added a full stop at the end. The full stop at the end appears just to be a typo but I've noticed you repeat the other two issues throughout. When a speaking verb such as "responds" follows direct speech, the punctuation mark before the speech marks should be a comma, an exclamation mark, a question mark etc. The only time it should be a full stop is if what follows the direct speech does not describe the speech in any way. For example:

"My name is Craig." He turned to the young man with the long fringe. "What is yours?"

“I don’t get it, what’s funny.”

These should be two separate sentences.

The conversation that this is part of is too heavily laden with dialogue. While dialogue reveals a lot about a character, you are missing vital body language to show not just what a character says, but how they say it.

I stare at him blankly, stunned at his comment

You don't need the second half of this sentence. The first half gets it across fine.

I look as if the hole opens up to a mansion sized cave.

I think you mean "It looks". Also, the sentence structure in this paragraph is a bit repetitive and therefore doesn't really convey the character's wonder.

when I hear,

I've never used this speech structure but any time I've seen it in books the comma has been colon.

“So what’s your side of the story”

There should be a question mark before the speech marks here.

He responds, “My side of the story?

This paragraph was an infodump ie a big block of background that hits the reader in the face and makes it difficult to remember the details. It also means the reader doesn't get to see Sarah's reaction to each part of the information.

I see him look at me with a stern look

The repetition of "look" disrupts the flow of this sentence. Replace the first one with something like "shot me a stern look". Doesn't have to be that, and it could be the second one that you change too.

Finally, I gifted you with all of my abilities.

This seems like a lot. The other powers were good because they had explicit limitations. However, this sounds like you are overpowering Sarah, especially since you haven't mentioned any limitation to this.

Okay, normally I add additional comments relating to the whole chapter, but today I think I am just going to leave it here. I don't really have anything else to say.

PM me if you need any clarification on anything.
Biscuits



have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady