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138,503 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
Hiya, Bhayden71297!
I love this so much. Amazing narrative poetry! Great job. This review is probably going to mostly repeat GeeLyria and whitewolfpuppy, but I wanted to review this wonderful piece.
First off, like GeeLyria said, I would break this into stanzas instead of leaving it one long paragraph shape. See, many readers would love this, but may be to lazy to actually read it since it seems so long. So breaking it into stanzas will bring more readers in and let them have that little break in between.
Second, I want to compliment your perfect grammar and punctuation. xD Good job, it shows you went through and edited very well. Bravo my friend.
Lastly, like whitewolfpuppy said, take out the "he did" right there.
Other than those few nitpicks, wonderful job, love. I'd love to read more of your work, so if you remember, maybe give me a shout out when you post something new? This is a great piece! Wonderful job and keep writing!
~Cat
Ahhh. Hi, Bhayden71297.
Keep writing.
Amazing narrative poem. I just imagine it as a telling in a movie. It is entertaining, it is nicely worded, and it flows neatly. If I'd have to give you a suggestion, I'd tell you to make stanzas, as in... use the "Enter" key more often. Because that makes readers be less lazy... In other words, organizing your poem fools them, making them believe it's not as long and complex. xD
I'll show you what I mean by showing you how I'd do it.
Spoiler
That's it. That's all I have to say. Great job.
Hey there! I'm going to be reviewing your work for today!
I have one thing I would like to point out. I don't see any verses through this poem. Personally a big blob of words is most likely to cause readers to not want to read something. It has something to do with the straining of their eyes I believe, or maybe they are just lazy. Who knows?
Right here I would take out the He did
Personally other then that, I liked this poem. You did well, just need to add those few tweaks in there and you are gold! Thank you for your time, have a nice day.
~whitewolfpuppy :3
"He thought he was invincible,/That nothing he did could stop him." [[I would take out "he did" from this...]]
Not necessary but definitely appreciated.
"Whispering in his ear,/The reality he refused to believe." [[I would recommend removing the comma for the sake of the poem's flow.]]
Okay, so those are the small, somewhat-technical things that I noticed. This has a lot of promise, but I have to say that I liked the first half more than the second; I would recommend expounding further on the idea, because I feel as though you reiterate and fail to really travel anywhere with the idea. You don't want to drift too far, but you do want to continue to say something more so that you're not just wasting your words.
It would've been nice to see a little more of a personal edge, because to me the metaphor felt very blunt and direct (and therefore in-your-face), but it wasn't too obnoxious. The best thing for this poem would be a little less worrying about getting your exact message across, so that you can focus more on making your metaphor and imagery subtle. This is just personal opinion, but I did find it to be rather simplistic at times.
BUT you have a really good poem nonetheless! Certain lines really jumped out at me, like the way in which you describe the laughing wind, and I like the general idea of someone "jumping off the brink." ^_^ This poem has a lot of promise, and in general, I'm a fan.
Keep writing!
P.S., would you mind reviewing mine?
work.php?id=98239
Hey there! I'll do my best to give you a good review. I don't write much poetry, and I'm not so great at reviewing it, but I'll give it my best shot. So here goes!
My review is going to focus on the five conventions of writing. I'll start with the technical conventions, structure, organization, and word choice, and end with the fun ones! Idea and voice! Here goes...
Okay, first things first. Structure.
Your structure is fine as far as the poem goes, but some of your individual lines could use some work. There are some moments where you break tense. You start in past tense, but the line about the wind whispering in his ear is in present tense. Two lines stood out in particular, they really detracted from the poem in my opinion.
The reality he refused to believe.
He ignored that truth,
These two lines felt redundant, and they sounded awkward. I know this is going to sound silly, but anytime you finish a bit of writing, it's a good idea to read it out loud, or at least mouth it, and see if it sounds or feels awkward to you. Towards the end, your structure is at it's best.
You organize your poem well. It's in a logical order that makes sense and builds on it's way to the climax. Good job!
Your word choice was fine. This poem was about thoughts, so there wasn't much of a chance to be really vivid in you descriptions. You did a great job injecting the winds and mountains in! That was great.
Voice. The voice is good, sometimes it felt a little like it was rambling. I would try to clean up some of the stanzas and shoot for a more... fluid sound? If that makes sense? Just try reading it aloud, and you'll come out with a more rhythmic poem.
Idea! Great great great idea! The character feels invincible, but the even the wind laughs at his own naivete. He ignores the warning signs, and goes on in this manor. You did a good job conveying your idea! *applauds*
Great poem! I hope my review was helpful. Feel free to PM if you have any questions, or anything. Keep it up!