Haven't written anything in a long time, but here I am- i'm back!
She hates how it makes her happy-
the light, the inhale, the slide,
picking her up from the cold hard floor.
But she'll do it again,
because when she lights,
she inhales,
and then she blows herself a little higher
where it's not so cold.
She just wants to pass the walls
and pass the ceiling.
They're not as hard,
aren't so cold.
But on the other side is the sky.
The sky is warm from the sun,
and the clouds are so soft.
Resting on those clouds,
she just smiles and forgets,
And enjoys the small feeling of being okay.
The critical stares from below,
phase her not.
Those people,
already warm and smiling,
don't understand
How much that feeling means to her,
how much it's
saving her life.
Cause she knows that when she has nothin left to light,
she can't inhale,
and if she can't inhale,
she can't blow herself higher.
So she'll start the fall,
and the fall is the worst.
Her head will pound,
her eyes will open.
The smile she had will shrink to nothing.
That happy feeling will leave her
as soon as she touches
that cold, hard floor.
She'll lay there,
trying to fall asleep,
because if she stays awake,
she knows she'll cry and
Long for that silver kiss against her skin,
the one that leaves,
at least her skin,
crimson warm.
That's why she longs for the light,
holds the inhale,
and blows herself to the sky.
Because that high-
It makes her happy.
And she hates it.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
'Cause she knows that when she has nothin left to light,
she can't inhale,
and if she can't inhale,
she can't blow herself higher. '
Hello.
I've chosen this as the highlight of the work because it's brilliant.
I find it really difficult to criticise this piece:
-brilliant language
-unique voice
-appropriate style
-good use of punctuation (and wide range of)
I guess, if I had to make a negative comment, you could vary the length of your lines a bit more???? XD
Can't fault it.
Good work. Great concept.
Like you, I have not been on in quite a long time, and I'm glad that this was the first thing I read coming back. I believe that it was very well written and the imagery is vivid. The repetition of "light, inhale, and blow" allows the reader to stay in contact with the topic as there is no stanzas (which arguably could make it easier to read). Overall, i think that this is a well written poem and there isn't much to do with it other than a few points that could use clarity. Then there are just a few style things that could also be done, like the capitalization at the beginning of each line. I don't know if it is consistent all throughout the poem.
"Long for that silver kiss against her skin,
the one that leaves,
at least her skin,
crimson warm."
^^^ This is definitely one of my favorite parts!
Anyways, great poem!
Keep writing,
Chezka
BRAVO.. work as a first review of checking one's work. You done an awesome job here. Because I can honesty say this was well put together. Match with the flaws of covering the cloud 9 and how it can all be some much of a puff to bring you happiness. I'd love it sweetie you really did a number with such clear action. It was very interesting and deep beyond what I have read so far. I'm your new follower here.
no worries keep up with this. Because this was raw talent that I'd love to hear more of.