Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey Bhayden
I liked this poem. I liked how the title was only explained in the last line because throughout the whole poem I was wondering, focusing and trying to find a relation. I liked how you displayed freedom from the hospital so well. You managed to make me feel happy for the person in the poem, which led up to an expanded amount of sadness at the end.
"The only concern in your world no longer revolves" If you switch the 'the' and 'your' the sentence sounds a lot better: Your only concern in the world....
Other than that, it was good. Keep writing
Deanie x
Hi there. This is an intresting piece that explores alot in just a few lines. I really liked it.
There are a few suggestions I would like to make, and keep in mind they are purely suggestions.
The structure is, well there isn't any. Like shoaib said you could reduce line space. In the line "The only concern in your world no longer revolves around if you will see everyone again tomorrow or the" it is far too long for one line. you could always hit enter and create a new line like at around. Although that line doesn't make that much sense to begin with. I understand what you were trying to say, but it's writen weird.
The part about the scars doesn't make much sense where it is placed, perhaps you could move it down when you talk about the hospital. Just a thought tho
Like I said those are just suggestions. The message you are trying to get out is very much there. I love this piece very much. Good job!
Thanks for you input:)
This poem was supposed to be a 15-sentence portrait, because that's what my teacher called for. You suggestions will definitely be taken into concideration though:)
And the part about the scars beneath her shirt wasn't refering to the actual hospital aspect. It was reffering to her emotional state, and how damaged she actually was in that department. It makes a hint towards self afflicted harm.
Thank you again for you critique.
The poem is very good. Keep it up.
Reading this is just like 'getting well'. You conveyed your point well enough. And I liked reading it. Thanks for sharing!
P.S You could reduce the line spacing. Looks better.