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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Really, really, really great!!
This is my favorite part:
"Claw at the bomb
It will not save the Earth
Of course, look with gallant eyes.
Remember, we all die."
Very well written
Hi, this is a poem. I say that because I don't have any nice opening lines. Anyways to the review.
I find nothing in this poem relating to a book, yes we can make the connections you want from the description and the title, but you want so much more than just the connection. You want the flow of ideas, the change of emotion, everything that makes a wire power that TV and shows us what you're talking about.
I think you should make this more personal as well, bring it into your mind, don't write a poem, record a memory and then hide the things you did when you lived it, make it so it's like we're there, decoding the scene as you encode it.
Such as, where are they in this poem? Why is that important, will it reoccur or prey on an emotion?
What will they do, will it relate to the scenery or will it take you to a new scene? You need to control the flow of ideas, like the electricity in a wire.
And also like that wire, you must see how you're going to wrap that electricity, will be cheap electrical tape? Like, common images and phrases, will it be more personal like the melted down plastic of childhood shoelaces? What will make this wire your own?
I think you got the ideas down, you got the general ideas, such as darkness story tellers and what not. And I think setting all these other factors to what you want them to be will then make you rewrite this entirely uniquely and more than likely amazingly.
Oh and by the way, think of the channel as the overall end result, the show we're seeing. Think of everything that it takes to make that one scene or that one day and write it down. It doesn't even have to be sentences at first, it will grow, trust me.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1!