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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good day, Ben, my man! A review from me to you
! I'll give a special one, too, the Point Out.
PUNCTUATION HELPS
We all know that grammar is of very little use in poetry, but punctuation can help a lot on how you read a piece. I think the last line of your piece gives most impact, so try to come to punctuation for help to deepen the impact of the line. What I mean is that adding a comma between the two 'let go' phrases can bring more effect in reading. That line in the piece is read very very quickly, and thus lessens the thrill of those words. Maybe the commas could help.
MISLEADING WORDS...
...can be a bit bothering sometimes. They can be usable, but there are other words out there which can really bring out the line's essence. In the first line, the usage of upon is very odd. If you wish to exemplify that the branches are from the throat, the use direct words like from. Or just adding a space between up and on. I think "Up on" brings an image which brings to reader from the feet to the higher body parts.
That's all I can point for now, I'm sorry if I can't say more, but as I've stated, I'll just point out some stuff which I really want you to know.
Nonetheless, this is a very inspiring piece, full of color and imagination. Very creative and brilliant! Good luck writing more golds like this
Your pal,
Al
Hi, Forsaken here
This is really good. I think the beginning is my favorite part of this piece. The only thing that I didn't really like though, was the last line. Maybe it was because I didn't understand it haha. I don't read poetry enough to understand everything.
I need to read more of your poetry, if you have any. If so, and you'd like a review on it, PM me and let me know. This is brilliant! Keep writing.
--ForsakenAngel
Upon my throat
Comes out sticks and stones
Blood along them.
Within the sands they wisk away
The momentum always building, new ones falling
I really like this poem but these two are really my fave!:):):)
I really like this poem! It could be a little confusing, but I think that's because it requires thought, and that makes it good. G'job, keep writing.