Hello there, my name is Flow and I would be your reviewer for the day. I will try to do this as a line by line review or at least a paragraph by paragraph kind of thing.
In this very first line you begin with something very oddly worded. It's almost like you just turned it around backwards to make it sound poetic, but it didn't really give this effect so I would turn it around to the correct form. The only way I would keep it this way was if the whole poem was in this format, but seeing as it is not I would change it.
Second line you are being very blunt. When I read this poem I want to hear the story of why this is. I don't want you to tell me in the very first line that it's because of a knife. Give something that draws the reader into the poem in the first line. After you have that then build up tension. When you write a poem it's like writing a story, you have all of the same elements just in a shorter form. In my opinion poetry is harder to write because you have to condense it so much. Regardless you have to have a beginning a climax and a good finish.
Third line I want to see more imagery and metaphors. You clearly say no one would listen but I want to feel the emotion behind this. I want to see what really happened here and you just simply tell us what happened. You go on to say in the following line that you suppose it had to happen. I would spell out suppose and take out the assumption. This is very distant because it's almost like you drifted off and started talking to yourself.
Fourth line you say someone didn't know about rumors and tumors. We don't know who this person is and you jump around alot here. Tumors and rumors have nothing in common. If you want to use both of these elements make it like a story. Let one thing lead to another, bad thing after bad thing will keep happening untill the character can't take it any longer.
Your talking to yourself again in the next paragraph. Your also being very whinny as a writer. A reader doesn't want the writer to be whinning about their problems while we are reading it. We want the problems to relate to us and this is so distant it doesn't hit home.
"Didn't do nothing," these words made me shutter. That isn't proper in the least my dear. It makes me think you are from my dear hometown, Alabama. If you don't take any of my advice just please change this. You go on to say that you are like a pumpkin. What's wrong with a pumpkin? This doesn't really sound bad, I would say your like a rotten fruit to get the point across.
OK. I think you get the general idea from my comments above. My general overview is this is an angsty teenage poem that could be great with some work. I don't intend to sound mean in this review I'm just trying to help you get started out on the right foot.
I apologize for any errors in my review, it's very early here and I just woke up haha. If you need anything feel free to PM me.
-Flow-
Points: 12611
Reviews: 321
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