When she walks through those doors,
And is abused by the words
She attempts to run,
But is trapped by her tormenters.
As she screams out for help,
And is only brought laughter,
She beats against the walls,
But receives no answer.
When she claws at her scalp,
In attempt to cease the ringing.
She stares into the faces
Of her murderers.
When their taunting smiles
Eat at her subconscious,
She makes tallies in her skin,
Each for a different sin.
Then she stands on the rooftop,
Watching those familiars
Where is the smirk now,
When they have won?
She screams down below her,
“Are you happy now?”
And closes her eyes,
She hears the rush of her blood.
When she takes a step forward,
Ignoring instinct to pace back.
And feels only air below her,
She has no last regrets.
When her life covers the green
Of the grass below,
And the smiles have all disappeared,
Do they see what they’ve done?
Be the change. Stop the destruction bullying creates.
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Canary word: Present
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
You have a good message in this poem and you portrayed it well.
Focus on the bolded text. It's fragmented. I know it's a poem, but you're really just breaking up the sentences to make it beat well. Perhaps only the period after "ringing" needs to be transformed into a comma.
I quite liked it. It was very to the point, which is nice especially in poems about bullying.
Lavvi
Thanks for the link!
I thought the format was a bit too repetitious... you know, the "When she..." bits. I would like to see those words only used to make a really powerful statement... basically, only the reeeeally strong parts.
As far as the rest of the poem goes, I would love to know more about these tormentors! There isn't much description about them... they seem rather omniscient and faceless, but bullies are generally totally in your face. So it seems weird that they would torment so much, yet be so hidden. I kind of like that too... that they seem faceless... but the problem is right now their faceless qualities are more like cardboard and less like creepy floating masks, which would be a lot cooler. So don't be afraid to describe the bullies more!
Also! The bullied person gets tons of press time... maybe too much. One cool effect that you might want to try out (just for fun!) is to make the girl seem to be a real person at first... and then as the poem goes on, she seems to be less and less. Again, that would be just for fun... a total experiment, really! But poetry and experiments are kind of like corned beef and cabbage... they just go together!
Hope that gives you some ideas.
Great idea for a poem! I think you pretty much nailed it. Just two things.
The begining starts out so fluently, but it falls a bit flat on the last line because there arebtoo many syllables.
Also
This also is a great stanza, but I think /when" does not fit there.
My two favorite parts are
I think these play a big part in thw poem, and your word choice is superb. Well done, B. I really enjoyed that
O.O
Hiya, Written here.
When I read your poem I absolutely fell in love with it.
Honestly, I came here to give you a review and I will : I've found no grammatical errors in this piece - but I could be blinded by the amazingness. The flow and rhythm are good and the message is so well portrayed that I cried when reading it.
You are an amazing poet, keep writting.
- Written.