Puppet Master
Hungry with revenge,
Though I bite my tongue.
Now forced into silence
for years to come.
Constricted,
I’m forced to kneel.
Stitched lips,
and
acid-filled eyes
I can never heal.
I’m a worn-out doll,
you tug on my strings
Like an evil puppet master
You’re a gruesome monster,
I’m glad I ripped off your wings.
Remove that halo at once,
because it isn’t yours,
nor mine,
You think you’re so damn angelic,
but you, you I can’t define.
When love isn’t worth it,
is peace even enough?
Will restriction and torment
Finally stop
calling my bluff?
Love is too cliché,
But hate has more passion
Lust just blows you away
In a not-so-orderly fashion.
Finally, once you’ve taken
all I have left to give,
have I given my lapse of silence,
Can I now, eventually, live?
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.
( the poem runs pretty well up until this point- here things get a little choppy and seem to lose a bit of the focus.)
Below is my idea ( and this is just a review full of suggestions and idea, so don't take offense or take it too seriously)
of a smoother way to integrate this stanza and introduce the Puppet master in your poem in a way that doesn't seem so choppy...
Spoiler
The last line of this stanza doesn't necessarily even need to be there- you can introduce the whole "fallen angel" idea in one stanza itself. It takes away the forced/crushed-rhyme feel of this stanza, and makes or a smoother poem.)
( stanza skip)
That's actually very clever of a stanza/idea.
*claps*
Nice, very nice.
*(here, you have a beautiful ending to a nice poem- but the last line just throws me off a little. Saying "now, eventually" just isn't smooth enough to introduce the actually rhyme, and adds to the whole "forced" feel.( It is also a contradiction if you read close enough Now... means right that moment.. but eventually almost means the exact opposite.)
You should definitely keep it as a question, but maybe you could ask in a different way..
Example:
"Will I now be free to live?"
or
" Will i ever be free to live"
or ( you get my point)
Overall:
This a actually a very interesting and emotional poem. Good job and all that.
It has the base- the cute idea
The filling- the emotion and detail
And the closing- ( the end)
The main problems here that I can see are with the foundation. Some of the rhymes seem too forced and you really need to add or subtract certain * helping* words to fix that up. A few grammar mistakes here and there, but it's not too noticeable and doesn't totally ruin this poem.
~~
Just for future reference:
You don't always need to see things form 1st person of say 'I" to let the reader know who is feeling or doing. Saying "you are" or "I am" sometimes gets overused after a while, so diversifying the way that you start you sentences/stanzas not only showcases a wider range of diction and linguistic knowledge, but adds a refreshing touch to the beginning of each line. It's doesn't seem dull or repeated.)
So that's a pretty good job. Congratulations!
;D
Keep writing!
---------------------
-Jojo
The title totally drew me to this poem. What a great poem it is too! Each verse kept drawing me back in.
I totally agree with Ash. As she put it "you were very descriptive in not-so-descriptive words". Puppet Master was - is - wonderful.
*claps* Bravo! *claps more*
~Me
I read this three times and here's what I got out of it:
1st time: Plain amazing! The language was so beautiful and precise that by the end I forgot that I didn't understand it
2nd time: Read it again and understood it a little better. It was so metaphorical that I almost didn't get it at the end. All it needs is a little dissecting on the reader's part but that's not a bad thing in it's self.
3rd time: Again, amazing! I really liked this and it reminded me of (get this) Puppet-master by Metallica. I liked the song so, evidently, I ended up liking this piece.
Great job!
Simply. Amazing.
You put in a different picture in my head with each paragraph, and you were very descriptive in not-so-descriptive words.
this was the gem. This put alot of emotion out there to simply stare at you.
Perfect ending.
The rhyme scheme was constant so that was great. you put something different out there in every stanza. I see nothing wrong with this. Bravo!
You've really made this piece interesting, worth the read, and full of emotion.
Great job.!
--Ash
I like it, but i had to re-read it to understand what you were trying to get across. To me it was a little confusing, but still good.
Wow.
Hahah, This is... Simply Amazing! It's so deep and pulls you in within the first WORD. xD
Well, looks like I'm following you!
-CookEmonster