Young Writers Society

I really like this, really. It has a nice rhyme and feel to it, great job on writing this piece!!! I love these lines:

To bask in the heat of the sun and yearn
To keep this freedom, the sky and the sea
A beam will shine, of one bright light
And finally bring peace to every night.

The thing about reading your stuff now, is that I'm so aware of how young you are. I love this poem, but what I love the most about it is that it's not written by someone who has already gone through life and knows what they're talking about. It's just some kid that's really talentet, and isn't ruined by life. You just have all this hope and strength and will. In this poem, it really shows.

This poem is very relatable, but I'm afraid at times it seems to not follow through with itself. I like your play on words starting with a beam of light and following it up with every night. I think that the overall tone is clear and strong, but the specific story is alittle scattered. Though, now that i think of it, that seems to give me a sense of seeing short flashes of images from all over the world, which might have been your purpose all along. Overall, a great poem.

Hi BehindtheMask,

I really didn't mind this poem! I'll leave all grammatical and rhyming errors alone (since most have already been said!) so I won't hassle you anymore on that! I thought you captured the concept of the poem quite well, it had a really nice simplicity factor to it, making it feel gentle. I really enjoyed the rhyming scheme of it, it does need a bit of fixing up, so just read over it a few times to fix it up. Otherwise, great job!

Best wishes for future writing!

#BF0000 ">RedLeaf

Hey I'm Amie and I'll be reviewing tonight.

Firstly you're rhyming scheme is very successful, it doesn't feel forced at all, which means that the flow and rhythm of the poem as I'm reading it is very consistent. I only had a few little nit-picks but after reading the other reviews it seems that these have already been addressed.

'And finally bring peace to every night' is a lovely very poignant ending. I really enjoyed this

Keep writing.
-Amie

Hi! Simply curious, where did the inspiration for this come from? It's a very interesting subject, particularly for the macabre-type, sort, whatever. In other words: Me. Of course it's also a very difficult subject to write about, and I think you did very well.

I can't really point out anything that the other reviewers haven't got, except that the first line seems a little awkward, and you may wan to consider a change. Now onto the good stuff.

The rhythm of this poem were exceptional, and there seemed to be a real marching beat to it. Particularly#FF0000 "> these lines.

BehindtheMask wrote:In time, they say, all will come to an end.
Life wishes to bring peace to every day,
Though sometimes life doesn't get its way.
And every creature will be left to fend
For themselves and nobody else will be
Just as happy as they are now,
And a fog will set over with a smell so foul
We'll never escape, never be free.
I'd never wish for such a thing to be,
#FF0000 ">So now we will hope to grow and learn
To bask in the heat of the sun and yearn
To keep this freedom, the sky and the sea
A beam will shine, of one bright light
And finally bring peace to every night.

Hi Mask! :] Review time?

So, I like this. The imagery is quite nice, but some of your references make little sense. (Like the bright light, and the everyone being happy, and Life as a benevolent force.) I think, if you expanded, this can turn out even more nice than it is. I think the others have given pretty good advice, so I'll just join them and say that this is pretty great.

Good job, and keep writing!

Sporks

Hey there, BehindtheMask. I'm here to review your poem. ^^

Another poem talking about our planet and what we're doing to it, am I correct? Very good, nicely done. I love it. It has such a good, strong message. And I like that message. The flow and the rythym aren't perfect, but I have never liked perfection. The imagery was amazing, and I liked that too. It's such a nice, bittersweet poem, isn't it?

Anyways, nitpicking. I'm afraid to say I found none. But that's a good thing, because I think this is just fine exactly how it it. Overall, Behind, this is a beautiful little poem you have here and I simply adore it. *clicks like* Thank you for the beautifully bittersweet poem. This has such a good message, I think people should read it. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. ^^

I really love the theme you've chosen. It is hard to write about life and it's ways, but you've managed quite well.
Whenever I read it , I kind of find myself in your poem.. You've touched a soft spot of mine.
You don't have a lot of emotion in it , but with a theme like this , there is not much needed.

A beam will shine, of one bright light
And finally bring peace to every night.

I really liked this piece it had major thought and meaning to it! (My edits and comments are in blue)


In time, they say, all will come to an end.
Life wishes to bring peace to every day, #0000FF ">Instead of "to everyday" maybe "for everyday"
Though sometimes life doesn't get its way.
And every creature will be left to fend#0000FF ">,
For themselves and nobody else will be#0000BF ">,
Just as happy as they are now,
#0000BF ">Take out "And" and just keep "A"A fog will set over with #0000FF ">Take out "a" and say smells so foulsmells so foul#0000BF ">.
We'll never escape, never be free.
I'd never wish for such a thing to be,#0000BF ">My favorite line! I like it so much
So now we will hope to grow and learn#0000BF ">,
To bask in the heat of the sun and yearn#0000BF ">.
To keep this freedom, the sky and the sea#0000BF ">,
A beam will shine, of one bright light
And finally bring peace to every night.#0000FF ">For all our nights

Alright overall I liked this very much I thought it had good meaning and in the beginning seemed sad and depressing but then got hope in it and gave the reader something to think about!

Great job!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

In time, they say, all will come to an end.
Life wishes to bring peace to every day,how does this connect to the above?
Though sometimes life doesn't get its way.
And every creature will be left to fend good lines, nice twist on the subject
For themselves and nobody else will be
Just as happy as they are now, How do you know everyone is happy?
And a fog will set over with a smell so foul Why is this happening? Establish this in the story.
We'll never escape, never be free. Again, why?
I'd never wish for such a thing to be,
So now we will hope to grow and learn
To bask in the heat of the sun and yearn veryyy nice lines these last two
To keep this freedom, the sky and the sea
A beam will shine with one bright light From where, why? Why does yearning (which we already do) make a giant light?
And finally bring peace to every night. You just said we'll never be free?

This poem had nice wording and imagery but the story line needs to be strung together with more thorough lines. Good work!