Young Writers Society

You should change the third to last line. she smiles alone should be something a lot more dark..but thats just my opinion.

Hi there, Bambi. Chemicaldarkblue, reviewing your poem. I believe it can be a very good, well-written piece of work. It seems to lack emotion, though. As a writer, you very much to not want to come off as lacking emotion. In some spots, you also have the wrong tense of words. For example, "Was scars from the night before", and it should be changed to "were scars from the night before".

You have potential though, keep it up.

Hi Bambi, LGL here for a quick review

So firstly I thought about this poem for a while thinking about what to write. I've got to be honest my initial reaction was dissapointent. It isn't a bad poem on the contrary around a lot of crowds this poem would be really good but it just felt kind of lifeless to me. I don't know its just that if your approaching a topic so overused you really need to bring something new to the topic but I found myself with the same these and metaphors.

I think you've got potential and the piece has potential it just seemed a bit distant and I really couldn't feel the emotion through the piece.

You did do some good things though here are my favourite lines;

They never see through her smile,
So sweet and so nice.


So yeah I thought it had potential but just didn't really pack a punch for me.

Keep it up
LGL

Hey, Bambi. It's me, fantasydragon01, the DIE-HARD fantasy lover!!!!!!!!! I will make a review on your poem.
The topic is very creative, I must say. She Never Smiled Again. Though, why was she like that? I know that she had scars and all, but shouldn't there be some sort of background? Perhaps, her parents didn't love her? That is just a suggestion. Do not take it to heart.
Hey, I love poems and all. I like to write them (though my works are a bit rough), so I will not be judging you. I don't feel very comfortable giving harsh critisism to someone. If I do, then I try to say it in a subtle way.

Farewell. Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!
very truly yours,
fantasydragon01

Hi there Bambi! Welcome to YWS!

Now, I'm going to be honest with you. This poem isn't bad, but I've seen it before. Depression/cutting/suicide is one of the most popular poem topics. The same imagery tends to be used over and over and over, so it loses its emotional impact.

So how do you write about this subject without resorting to the same tired images? I would consider zooming in on this hypothetical "she". Right now, we don't know that much about her, which makes the whole piece feel bland. Instead of trying to cover her whole life, why not examine a single day, a single moment? For example, what happens when someone does notice her long sleeves?

What are the people in her life like? I promise you they don't all react to this person's distress as some homogenous blob. Their reactions will depend so much on their own attitudes and experiences. For example, I have a friend who's struggling with depression, and some of her family members think she's just lazy. Having struggled with my own issues, I've had to push her to get help and assure her that's she's not crazy/lazy/a bad person. Highlighting these kind of interactions would be much more interesting.

In fact, I'd say the same applies to any subject. Writing about love? Boring. Writing about a first date or the day your spouse decided to file for divorce? Now that could be interesting. The more specific you get, the more you get away from the cliches and into something that makes the reader care.

To end on a positive note, I like the last two lines. I think it's more subtle than the typical suicide poem.

I know this might seem harsh, but I don't think this poem is terrible. I do think it could be better with a stronger focus to make it more unique. Keep writing!

This poem is so sad. Let me give you some pointers though. First the flow is sort of choppy and not very smooth. A way you can fix that is by finding more words that rhyme with each other. Then when you have some more rhyming words you can try to shorten some lines or lengthen others to make it flow more easily. Other then that I would say your poem is great! Keep writing and don't get discouraged!

It was sad but well written. The sad part about is that it actually happens to people.