Another Father's Day at The Cabin

I am speechless. That is such a sad poem, I hope it wasn't based on true events. I still loved it tho, even tho it is dark it is wonderful. The poem has feeling to it. It has heart and feeling in it. If you are willing do you believe you could teach me to write like that. I hope that this poem was not based on true events, for that would break my heart.

I liked this poem, quite a bit. I was rather shocked at how it turned on itself. At first I was questioning as to why you listed this as horror! Then the situation revealed itself, and I was definitely surprised. It's almost creepy how father's day became something so sinister for the narrator, which I didn't fully understand until you mentioned the mother dissapearing. I will only say that I have always found it hard to connect emotionally with characters, and I really didn't connect with this narrator, but I still think your poem was well-written! I would just work on building up the narrators/characer in such a way that the readers can easily feel empathy for them. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your work!

Hello!
I didn't notice that this was in the horror genre at first, so I was really surprised. You really did pull a fast one on me. I was expecting something much different. Good job.

However, despite surprising me, this didn't really fill me with emotion. I can't connect to the narrator, and that's not good, especially because she's supposedly being beaten. :c
I want to feel sad and sorry for her; I want to feel her pain.
I think that's the number one thing you need to work on in this poem.

There are a couple small things too.
There were a couple grammar mistakes that I think you will catch if you go through this slowly, reading it out loud.
There were a couple repeated sections in the first part of this poem that I don't think are really helping you.
Cut down on extra words and your poem will be shorter and more attractive to an audience whose attention span is rather short.

I hope this review helped-- it was rather short, and I'm sorry. It's almost time to eat. But if you have any questions, particularly any specific questions about this poem, let me know! I am always happy to help. I think you tried hard on this poem and you did your best, but I still think you can do better.
I read morrigan's review and it's really good, so feel free to look back at it. c:

Keep writing! I'd love to read more!
~fortis

Hello, Bambi.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

Horror poetry is so hard to pull off. You have to balance between what is real and what is not, and you have to get just enough into the details. Because what horror poetry should do is make the reader feel horrified, too.

While the situation is horrifying enough, it does not make the reader feel the same dread and horror that the narrator feels about the situation. It lays out the facts, yes, but it doesn't show us the fear in a way that makes us fear, too.

I understand your intended technique: startle it out of them. While the poem does get into bad territory very suddenly, it leaves the reader more confused and able to see what you're doing than it makes us feel anything. There is a turning point, and it is too sudden.

I suggest making the turning point more gradual, or not even trying to pretend that it is a happy fathers' day at all. Another thing that you should do in order to bring the reader into the world of the poem is use the five senses to describe the scene. What is written here is telling us what to feel, and it is difficult to have success in that way. So go through and think of what the narrator is sensing, not just feeling. Make a moment in time out of this poem instead of a description of fear.

Of such fun

Oh how beautiful it is

Well it isn't at all

Hi Bambi!

I have seen you around! So I will be reviewing for you today. As our friend Slaught said below, the situation escalated quickly, but I believe that is what gives this piece an effect. I must admit, I was quite a surprised myself. Mostly because I was expecting this poem to be another father's day poem and you share a different story with your readers (one that perhaps is not that far away from what is common, sadly).

In the first half of your poem, you're describing something that seems seemingly family friendly and then you go and shock your reader. No, wait. You TRICK your reader! That's good. xD Most people like that effect. However, I would suggest you to make it sound even sweeter at the beginning, and emphasize the girly perspective. Mostly because we can see that this abusive father does not mistreat her male children and that would help you lead the reader to an even more shocking ending and even more meaningful. Great job!

-GeeLyria

Well that escalated quickly