They said to never frown,
It gives you wrinkles they say.
Oh how happy I am now,
there's always a reason to smile.
Now the music never stops playing,
So sweet,
So nice.
la la la...
I am so glad I listened to them,
The voices I hear.
Oh how much fun we are having,
In our new home.
Their are so many games to play,
We do so love to play games.
All I can help to do here is smile,
Smile at my blood stained hands,
Laugh at the nurse crawling away,
Oh how I love to listen to her cry.
Such a fun game we are playing,
I do so love when they chase us down the hall,
So much fun we are having.
Most of all ,
I love my room,
So white,
So clean.
Well now there's red stains,
On the floors and walls.
Such a rude player ,
That nurse.
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I must admit I laughed a little at the end, those last two lines I found somewhat funny. Not that the poem is a funny one just that the ending is humorous. I found the beginning very relateable as well, this poem is something numerous people can probably relate to this poem. This poem, like your others has heart and soul that cannot be erased.
Hey Bambi
Great writing dear. I enjoyed everything. Even if i found colloquial words which destroyed tge beauty but that faded away when i went through the poem. It is really cool to read. You have a great imagination but please choose some good words rather than using common words. You have a nice style of decoratiñg languageand could be more better if you choose your words carefully. Other than this i enjoyed everything.
Keep it up.
Hello there Bambi, The Silent Bagpipe here to review some of your crazy (;)) work!
Call me weird but when I saw "horror" and "insane" I just had to read it! I love horror poems, and sad poems, and you sure made this one a bit of both! Your poem was pretty neat, I have to admit. Even if it was a little crazy xD I found it very entertaining and I enjoyed reading it. You had a cool look on things, and your poem was very unique in its own way. One thing I suggest though is that you maybe try and rhyme a little more? Its just a suggestion but nothing in this poem rhymed. Poetry, mind you, doesn't always have to rhyme, but it does make it flow better. Note that, that was just a suggestion, your poem was very well done as it was.
I think people before me have already said the few mistakes I found in here, (italics ect.), so I won't repeat it everything again. Over all your poem was great. Keep writing xD
~Selina
Oh heavens. I was anxious to see why this poem landed itself in the "horror" category, and I definitely understand why. I loved the wicked sweetness you gave the narrator. The transition between the lively nature of the beginning of the poem to the disturbing tone of the end was great as well. I have a few suggestions to make this even better:
For the "la la la..." I would put this into italics just so it is emphasized as a sound the narrator hears. I noticed also that there are spaces between the word and the comma in some instances. I am unsure if this was done purposely or if it was a mistake...
For this line, I would change the punctuation a bit to read:
"Well now there's red stains -
On the floors and on the walls" just for rhythm's sake.
Overall, brilliant poem. Keep writing!