I smiled to myself seeing you lie down,
Staring at your eyes that were so brown.
I realized that my life is complete
As long as you were still on my bed sheet.
-
As I sat in the grass, staring at a swan,
I found myself thinking of you, even while you’re gone.
The thought of you never left my brain,
Through all the happy, and the obscure pain.
-
I swear to follow you through it all.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the winter, summer, or fall.
I don’t care if it’s dangerous or happy, scary or sad.
I want to be by your side so incredibly bad.
-
You make my heart happy, love.
Like the happiness you feel admiring a dove.
I never want you to leave,
Forever is what I want to achieve.
-
I never find myself getting bored with you
You keep my mind covered, and it’s so far overdue.
I wish I would have met you long ago
When I was dealing with blow after blow
-
But, now, I’m strong and can deal with the pain.
The pain that allows this relationship to consistently sustain.
You’re my best friend, my love, and my wife
And I hope I can give you the time of your life.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
So, this was a very nice, sort of stereotypical love poem. I'm not sure if this was what you were going for, but that's what I got. It seemed like it could apply to nearly anyone, it's just basically a poem of content longing.
Now, while I do love me some love poems, I felt like you kind of missed the mark on this one. From some of your lines I can tell you're a good writer, you use nice expressions and imagery. But I felt that with this poem, you were a bit of a slave to your rhymes. The most outstanding example of this was when you wrote, "As I sat in the grass, staring at a swan,/I found myself thinking of you, even while you're gone." This line just seems, to me, really random. How many people just randomly stare at swans? Since there is no other mention of swans in the rest of the poem, it just seems out of place. Another example was when you said, "You make my heart happy, love./Like the happiness you feel admiring a dove." This, too, seemed a little out of place. Admiring doves just isn't really the best example of happiness, in my opinion.
I also thought the poem went on a little too long. You seemed to repeat some of your points that I felt you has already covered. The fourth stanza bothered me in particular, I didn't think the reader was getting any new information from it. Now, I don't want to tell you to cut out stanzas or lines from your poem, because I know that can really hurt a writer who's worked hard on a piece. But I will recommend slimming this down a little. In my opinion, most simple love poems like this should be short and sweet. I recommend just reading through your poem again, and if you feel like you're repeating yourself, then take out those parts.
I did see one little punctuation mistake. You forgot a period at the end of the fifth stanza.
Anyways, I'm sorry if that sounded kind of harsh. But it can be difficult to try and make a cute little love poem like this into a unique, stand alone piece. Keep working on it, and good luck!
herbgirl
Hey Bailey!
This poem was really good. I could literally feel the love you felt for this girl as I read your poem! I see no errors and that us a great thing. I liked your flip it kept me reading and the words you used and detail kept me wanting to read it till the end. Overall you did an extraordinary job with this poem. I really liked it. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
Ashley