My mind alternates between our memories and my nightmares,
Or perhaps they are the same thing, synonyms without merit.
I remember when we talked on the phone, begging each other for funny dares,
Or when you said that you loved me for the first time.
-
It left my mind in a whirl, dazed and confused at my luck,
Because in my mind, you were a dime, a golden deluxe.
Never thought that four months down the road, my heart would be struck,
By a catastrophic bolt, known as a break-up.
-
Technically, you were never mine, and truthfully it was a blow,
It tore my heart, and cause my mind to ache.
And when you left it caused a rip that no one could sew.
To me, I lost my world, my Bonnie, my princess.
-
I wanted you, your life, and your heart.
Everything about you, I wanted so.
It hurt to know that we would forever be apart
Leaving my side, squandering to survive.
-
I tried my best to accompany your needs.
Leave you with love, with complete certainty,
But, perhaps, the problem was not with my deeds
Maybe it lies with my own instability.
-
It lies in my past, and the inability to love.
Through the abuse and torment I went through,
and the father I was given, or the lack thereof
It left me with nightmares, a life with complete doubt.
-
But, despite all of this, I loved you so.
Gave you my heart, my mind, and my spirit.
And when you were gone, it left me so low,
That at times, I didn’t want to stay sober.
-
I keep pushing through, even to this day.
I try to avoid the thought of you completely.
No matter what my mind or anyone else may say,
I can’t give up on you, or relinquish the sweet memories of your incredible tarry.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello I am snakeboy and I would like to review your work. I personally like the way it is presented as poetry. I also like the way you use the ABAC stanza. I think that this is a beautiful piece of work and I believe you have a future in poetry. I like the struggle that this character goes through not because I like to see people's pain but because it can relate to so many others. I honestly do not see anything wrong with this work but I am only human and I could miss simple stuff. I wish you the best of luck in your future.
Oh, I see you are new. I am always gladful to review something from a new member. Something fresh and new. So, let's start with this work and the talk about it.
I love reading poetries in general, so this one is not anything different, that I would not like to read. I like it that I can feel the feelings and emotions, put into this work. It is not boring and emotionless, which is a plos point for the work. I just saw it is your first posted work, so good job and I hope to see more of your upcoming works. Do not rush it, but I hope I see them soon. Even if I really love this work as your first, it needs some work, so it can be even better after the editing and correcting.
The fullstop in the end of this sentence/line is needed, all I have to say for this.
The same here for the fullstop.
I think I find only this as a mistake from the very start.
'did I think..' is more for a question, if you will say and write it this way. It needs to be 'Never thought that..'. But if you want to let it be with the 'did' , then 'Never I did think'
because did think = thought.
Kinda the fullstop, again.
And in this whole part :
1. Fullstop after the end of each sentence.
2. The line before the last one ( But, perhaps...),
you need a comma after perhaps.
Start the second line (And...) with a small letter, because the last sentence was not finished and this is part of it.
For this last part, the problems are similar like the last one, so just double chech the places where you need to put the fullstop to end the lines.
The poetry is really sad, sweet and pretty beautiful. I hope to see another work of yours pretty soon. You must always go on and keep on improving and this is your start!
Good job.
Thank you for the feedback! This is honestly one of the worst poems I've written. The rhymes seem forced to me and there's a lot of petty mistakes that I need to fix. Thank you so much though!
Beautiful. The anguish and inability to let yourself love is relatable and understandable. Lovely poem. You can feel the hurt and passion from it.
The way you link your unwillingness to your past life and the people in it was brilliant.
"Maybe it lies with my own instability.
It lies in my past, and the inability to love.
Through the abuse and torment I went through,
And the father I was given, or the lack thereof"
The hopelessness from the other person leaving is prominent, making the reader feel your pain as well. Sympathy is always a good way to connect to the reader.
"And when you were gone, it left me so low
That at times, I didn’t want to stay sober"
Great poem, hope to see more.
Thank you so much!