He brought me an x-ray of a daffodil.
It wasn't the first time he'd arrived with flowers, or even
the first time he'd tried daffodils, but
looking at the crinkled petal edges--
Scotch tape scraped by fingernails from painted walls--
and those poor bent stalks like crossed electrical wires,
and leafy skeletons of--veins? Or nerves? Or just-combed hair?
and flower bodies in various states of bloom and exposure...
well, there he was on my doorstep in rain
as gray and transparent as that violated plant.
For the first time, I let him come in.
-----------------------------PREVIOUS VERSION: -----------------------------
He brought me an x-ray of a daffodil.
It had never occurred to me, I suppose, that flowers have innards too--
stringy, fibrous, glass-like bones;
petal edges that looked frumpy and unkempt,
like pieces of Scotch tape half scraped off a wall where a poster's been torn down;
leaves and bent stalks getting in each other's way like the mass of electrical cables behind the TV;
flowers in various states of exposure...
but why shouldn't they?
For the first time, I let him come in.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews, guys! I made some edits to take what you suggested into account...
P.S. I wanted to make this three stanzas but I don't know how to make it put spaces between them. Anyone know how?
Hii dear,
I liked the way u are thinking and imagining this world its totally outstanding. And the words used by you are quite intresting, felt good to see some new words after a long time. As you are writing on nature keep going , nature is a vast topic and it is what you see it.
keep writing and learn by others.
hey there
BFG..
A warm greeting to you. Am here to review your work based on what I thought about the work.
Firstly, I really loved your 'out of the box' thinking that you expressed in your first line "He bought me an x-ray of a daffodil". That was quite impressive thinking!
But I really think that the second line could have been broken down into two after "It had never occurred to me" . Further down, the sixth and the seventh line actually looks unfitting in there in terms of the words being used to jot it down but then again here I like the comparison that you have created with that of Scotch Tape and the electrical cables.
And then again I didn't quite get the meaning of the last line where you wrote "For the first time, I let him come in."
Overall, its nice reading the comparison you bought around with the flower and x-ray, it's just the use of the pauses and words that, according to me, needs to be worked on.
Keep posting! all the best..
regards
Abhishika
Wow. I don't know what to say. This totally describes how I got my girl friend. Ok
In the third line you use the word fibrous. Love the word, but I don't think it fits with the poem. Just out of wondering do flowers have bones. I love the scotch tape metaphore. LOVE IT <3 Just think that maybe you could have the beat or the rythm stay more permant
Sorry for my bad tyyping skills I am on my phone
hi BFG jessiebear here to review your work. and I hope what I say will be a lot of help.
Okay this is grate to start with. Now to start with the review.
Okay I don't get the bit when you say this ( He brought me an x-ray of a daffodil.) way did he bin you a x-ray.
Okay next thing is this ( that flowers have innards too--)I think you need a full stop at the end of that sentence.
And over here on this sentence (petal edges that looked frumpy and unkempt,) it needs a full stop to. Then you need to fixe this sentence as well ( like pieces of Scotch tape half scraped off a wall where a poster's been torn down;) you need a capital letter at the beginning and a full stope sum where in there.
That is all the things I think need fixing. And I am looking for word to seeing more of your work and I hope you will let me no when you have posted some thing ells. And over all It was a very good poem.
So I hope you have a good day/night.