z

Young Writers Society



Sardines

by BFG


It had been a tough day.

A car accident, two dead, and a child

whose toys in the backseat--

Frozen coloring book, Spidey sneakers--

turned my hands into bionic attachments

far away from me, 

cutting seatbelts and securing winches 

all on their own.

That night we played Sardines

like we were kids again ourselves.

We switched off the lamps, shut the blinds

on the too-kind moonlight,

and felt around the darkness--

chipped plaster, dresser, toothpaste-smeared sink--

shrieking with pent-up hysteria when a soft arm brushed close.

Then huddled beneath a shelf beside the dryer,

toes tucked, scabby knees against oversize T-shirts,

blinking against nothing as if we too had moved on,

we let ourselves be lost in our phlegmy breaths:

heavy, comforting, alive.

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User avatar
152 Reviews

Points: 1130
Reviews: 152

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Fri Sep 12, 2014 3:04 pm
harshita3chaarag wrote a review...



Hiya..
So what I really absolutely loved about the piece was the complete change of feeling from the beginning to end. The description of the accident was so precise that it gave me goose bumps. But then as it progressed, the idea of how the narrator's perspective on his life changes (that's how I interpreted the whole thing, one incident changing things and life for them). And I completely love the ending.
My favorite line was the last line- heavy, comforting, alive.
It just gave me a sense of calm and freedom somehow.

9/10

Good work!

Harshita :)




BFG says...


Thanks Harshita! :)



User avatar
109 Reviews

Points: 257
Reviews: 109

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Thu Sep 11, 2014 1:08 pm
rbt00 wrote a review...



Hey there! I am here to review this amazing piece you have written.
A touching one I must say. I liked the way you described the whole thing. It formed a great imagery. I really liked the first few lines where it depicted death and silence.
I appreciate the efforts you have put it in here.
Looking forward to seeing your new work soon.
KEEP WRITING!

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.
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THANK YOU!




BFG says...


Thanks for the review, rbt00!




What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice