Snow. It is all that I see. I am surrounded by the gleaming blizzard; it swirls down to the ground me. I am lying on my side, half buried in soft fluff. It is such a perfect temperature; cool and refreshing! But what is happening to it? It is flattening and the laciness is leaving. The cool crispness is becoming smotheringly warm –almost like soggy fabric. Now it is fabric. Where did the snow go? I reach around for it. I am soon thrashing. I feel blind. Why can I not see?
Someone calls my name.
~
“Yeah?” I say, propping myself up on my elbows.
The soggy air presses against me like murky water. No wind stirs it’s mugginess and I am almost afraid to breathe for fear that it may indeed prove to be water. I wish desperately that I should open my eyes to the beautiful crispness of the powdery snow and inhale blissfully fresh winter air. But no; through my opening lids seeps humid light and a sticky, sweaty feeling surrounds my awakening body.
The person who called me is Libby, my sister. She’s in her bed next to mine, and her tanned face is carved with lines of anxiety. Her dark eyebrows are arched and her short, silky brown hair resembles a tangled bird’s nest with twigs of hair sticking out in every direction.
“It’s just that you were kinda’ squirming around and stuff –you okay?”
“You woke me up ‘cause I was squirming? Leave me alone, I wanna get more sleep.” So saying, I turn towards the wall and pull my sheets around me. If only I could find that wonderful snowy place again. Why won’t my sheets make the transformation into snow? Maybe if I focus hard enough—
“But Lucy, you were thrashing!” My nosy sister cuts into my concentration again.
I sit up and look at her menacingly. “Listen Sis, will you stop trying to be my mom and let me go back to sleep?”
She looks shocked. “Lucy, why are you acting like this? Sure you feel alright?”
“Yes,” I spit, glaring at her.
“Do you have a fever?” She asks, getting out of bed.
“No. I just want more sleep. What time is it anyway?”
“I dunno…” she looks at the alarm clock. “Five-thirty.”
“You expect me to wake up at five-thirty during summer vacation? Do you feel okay?!”
She reaches out and touches my forehead. I roll my eyes.
“You don’t feel feverish.”
“That’s because I don’t have a fever, okay Sis? Just shut up now and let me get some sleep.” I turn towards the wall again, pretending not to hear as she says, “Lucy, why are you acting so mean? What happened to you? What did I do wrong…Lucy?”
Where is the snow? Perhaps if that voice would just stop, it will come back to me.
“Fine. Pretend not to hear me.” Her voice is getting coarse, the way it does when she cries. “I don’t care.” She leaves the room.
Ahh… I can feel my bedclothes growing fluffy and bleeding together…. the air is cool and fresh –and quiet.
The serenity is exquisite. I notice that the blizzard is slowing and thinning. I am just starting to see a slight division between land and sky. I lean down and swish my hand through the snow. It is so airy that it reforms around me, barely leaving a dent. I look around and am surprised to see footprints leading away from me. They are peculiar footprints. The designs are crisp –too crisp for the recent snowstorm and the feathery snow. What could have made them? I kneel down to take a closer look. They look like stars, or trees, or snowflakes; with six swirling arms that split and twist. In the center of each star is a curly design that resembles a Celtic knot. They look faintly familiar, but I cannot place where I have seen them before. What celestial being could have made its prints so clearly in the powdery snow, into which I can make no permanent impression?
I rise and look around. It is not snowing at all anymore, so I can see ever so far. The land is devoid of hills or landmarks of any kind save a grey-green forest to my right. But that is so far away that I can’t see it properly. It just looks like a spiky, glittering mass on the horizon. The footprints seem to lead from me to the forest. I start to follow. It will be a long walk, but I don’t mind; I seem to be able to move here much swifter than before. The delicate air is tinged with a tangy twist of exotic sweetness, like a drop of citrus juice that is swirled into water. I walk faster, sure now that the footprints are leading to the forest.
Shortly after I begin to walk, I start to hear muffled shouts and feel a painful grip on my arm that makes me pause and look around. There is nobody there. But yet, I can feel the fingers –the strong, hard, boney talons. Panic makes me run and running tears the talons away from me. Soon the grip catches me again, but I punch it away roughly and run faster. Something in the direction of my punch emits a pained yelp, distant and insignificant.
I bow my head and run, not allowing the clawing grip to slow me down. With each leap, a cloud of twinkling snow puffs up around my knees. I yank free of the grip and bound onwards. I think it is snowing again, but the flakes that tickle my face with their angelic coolness may be just what I am disturbing with my feet. Whatever the reason, there is a cloud of white snow around me through which I cannot see. But I do not feel blind; I feel safe, almost guided.
My head still bowed, I spring onwards, as elegant as a gazelle. My terpsichorean feet barely alight after each leap, only long enough to propel myself for the next soar. But there is that demonic tug again, accompanied by a shout. I shove the grabbing hands away and run even faster.
Something hits hard against my forehead. I look up in time to see that the cloud around me has thinned and I was just hit in the head by a grey-green pine-tree that glitters with a layer of frost. Icicles tinkle against each other in high branches like fantastic wind chimes. The heavenly sound is suddenly intermingled with a crude human shout. I reach out to hug the enormous trunk, but realize too late that I cannot help myself from falling awake.
~
“Lucy!”
I look up. I am outside in the front yard. Mom and Libby, dressed in their bathrobes, are on either side of me, supporting me, and a big tree looms in front of us. But this tree does not glisten or tinkle; it is nearly dead from the summer heat. The sun is blindingly strong and hot; it glares at me as if I am a naughty child who needs a scolding. I look towards Mom. Her bottom lip is swollen to twice its normal size and oozes blood that she doesn’t bother to wipe away. I wonder with a little pang of guilt if she was the thing that yelped when my punch landed. Dismissing the pang defiantly, I focus on the heat.
“Ugh, it’s so hot!” I complain.
“Oh, Lucy!” My mother says, her skinny arms sweeping me into a gripping hug. The pang inside me notices that her voice is badly blurred by her lip. “Are you alright? You just ran straight out of the house and smashed into the tree.”
“I might be if I wasn’t being smothered.” I snarl, pushing myself away from her by jabbing my elbow into her rib, making her yelp. “Why don’t you guys just leave me alone and mind your own business?” I growl, turning on my heel and marching off towards the house.
“Lucy, you were sleepwalking.” Libby says, stepping rudely in front of me.
“I was?” I say. The pang inside me is surprised, taken aback, but I ignore it. “So?”
“So?” Libby repeats, her voice spiced with incredulity. “So we woke you up. We thought you’d hurt yourself.”
“Why?” I ask, thrusting my hand onto a hip. “Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”
“Lucy.” Mom says sternly, grabbing me by the shoulders and spinning me around to face her. “You’ve never acted like this before, what’s wrong?”
I try to shake free of her familiar iron talons, but they claw at my nightshirt and refuse to give in to my squirms and pleas. I will have to try another escape tactic –but what? I search her eyes. Behind the mild anger is deep fear –fear not for herself, but for someone more dear to her; for me. An idea tugs at my mind –I have a plan!
I relax and let my eyelashes flutter a little. “Mom,” I say weakly, “Sorry for being mean; I don’t feel good. Can I go back to inside now? I feel like I’m gonna faint.”
“Alright, but you probably shouldn’t go back to sleep.” Mom says.
We walk back inside and through the house to the living room. I splay myself out on the couch.
“I’ll go get you some lemonade.” Mom says. “Lib, can you turn up the AC?”
As they leave the room in two different directions, I relax and close my eyes. I am sinking into the cushions; they are unnaturally fluffy. The padding is growing and bleeding together….
I am sinking into snow. I stand and look around. I am in the exact same place as when I last left! The tree stands in front of me, glittering with almost holy majesty. Backing up, I see that I have reached the forest. This one tree with which I am already familiar is but one of thousands like it. I look down and see the footprints leading off into the forest. I begin to follow. The pristine forest is nothing but ice-covered trees, each of the same grey-green color and towering height. The uniform symmetry of the plants could be disconcerting, but the glittering, other-worldly beauty is so intense that I have to wrestle with myself to fling my gaze away from them and back to the tracks.
My eyes intent on the tracks before me, I pace through the trees as if in a trance. Again, I feel the touch on my arm, but now it holds my hand. It soon feels as if there is someone on either side of me, accompanying me. I do not need company, as this is a place of serene solitude, but I do not mind the handholds.
I look up. The tracks lead on for about twenty yards to a glowing patch in the trees so intensely beautiful that I stand still for a moment staring, before flinging my holding hands away and running. The light looks like a distant star magnified. It twinkles and winks and glows. I am now about four yards away from it and can see that there is probably something in the center that is emitting the light. I wonder what it is in there. Without looking away from the light, I sink down to my knees. Hands grip me and pull. I am soon being carried speedily away from the light. No, I do not want to go! I desperately try to fight the hands, but to no avail. The arms that hold me are shaking jarringly and my teeth clatter against each other with painful clicks. I punch and flail, but I cannot help it; I am being forced awake.
~
“Lucy?!”
The heat makes me feel grimy.
I am sitting in our driveway, my upper body resting against the scorching metal of our car. Mom and Libby are on either side of me, their sweaty brows furrowed in apprehensive concern.
“Lucy, you okay?” Libby asks me.
“Yeah,” I say “I feel a little better.” I stand up and, pretending my knees are wobbly, and clutch at the car for support. “Gosh, I feel really weak.” I murmur. “Can I go lie down again?”
“Well, if you’ll just sleepwalk again, then maybe you shouldn’t.” Mom says. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“But I really need to.” I say. “I’ll probably fall asleep soon if I’m not in bed anyways; I’m really tired.”
“Well we’ll go back now and wake you right away if you start walking again.”
We walk back to my bedroom. My insides squirm with curiosity at the thought of the glowing thing. I can’t wait to go back to sleep and meet it! I run back to bed with urgency that probably shatters my ailing, exhausted illusion. But I don’t care; as long as I can see that light again, I’m happy. I dive into bed and try to arrange my thoughts in a snowy way.
My sweaty limbs stick together and I pry them apart, trying to lie without touching any two body parts to each other. If only my fingers and toes would separate more! Wait, something is making its way in between my toes –something refreshingly fluffy and cool.
I am in the same position as I was in bed, but I feel completely different. The air is fresh and vivid, the snow whiter than ever. Overhead loom the icy trees, magnificent boughs glittering with crystal icicles. I raise my head ever so slightly to look in front of me. But I needn’t look; I can feel the light without seeing it. I do not feel it because it is hot; it is more tangible than heat since I do not sense it just with my body, but with my mind –my soul. It flows inside me and swirls around me, pulling me towards it.
I try to tell it that I cannot come; that I will be awoken if I stand and walk. It does not occur to me to talk, so I just say it with my mind. The being seems to understand; it glides towards me, blinding me with its beauty. I lean towards it. As I reach into the depths of the light, I feel myself awakening, returning home. For the first time, I look down at my body. It is an opalescent glow, just like the other being.
“Mother!” I exclaim, not constraining my emotions into words, but saying it with my mind. Another being drifts towards me. “Libby!”
“Oh, Lucy!” Their greetings echo inside me.
“I had such dreams!” I say. “I saw the world from an alien’s point of view –and I never knew it was so beautiful!”
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Thanks so much, Camille!
Your critique was very helpful (as always) --brutal, but not mean. You should train some of these people on YWS.
I will definitely be taking the vast majority (if not all) of your critique into account.
I actually already shortened it and now it is actually six words LESS than the limit, and I'm glad you didn't think it was bare, because when I read it I feel like 'where'd it all go?!' But I think that's just because I'm used to the other version.
Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH! If there's anything you want a review on in return, PLEASE don't be shy in asking... I owe you.
~Azila~
Azila --
Wow, this is quite a bit longer than your usual flash-fiction!
Anyways. I'm too lazy to read two pages of crits, so forgive me if I repeat what you've already heard.
Here's your brutal review: (lol)
Those three sentences sound a little bit choppy; maybe you should put a semi-colon instead of a period after 'whiteness'.
I see what you mean about snow being lacy, but I don't like how you say 'laciness' and then 'crispness' in such close proximity to each other.
I'm sure there's some writerly word for this kind of issue, but I don't know what it is. >.< Maybe try reading those phrases out loud?
I think you could make that sentence a little bit grander, more striking. But then again, I like the simplicity. It's up to you.
I don't think the 'swelteringly' is necessary. I understand the meaning, but murky and sweltering don't seem to fit together very well. I think just murky water would convey the feeling well enough.
Those two sentences seem borderline purple...
First sentence: You're wishing desperately for the beautiful white crispness of the powdery to inhale the blissfully fresh winter air. (I've italicized all the descriptive parts/adjectives/adverbs.
So my point is that all those adjectives may not be necessary. You could probably be fine with just: I wish desperately that I should open my eyes to the pale, beautiful crispness of the snow and inhale the blissfully fresh winter air. I got rid of 'crispness' because you've already used it to describe the snow, and 'white' because obviously snow is white, and 'powdery' because you've also already inferred that in the beginning.
Second Sentence: (This one isn't as bad) Through your opening lids seeps humid light and a sticky, sweaty feeling surrounds your awakening body. (As before, description goes in italics.)
My advice for you this time is instead of saying sweaty and sticky, why not find a common synonym for both of them? I also don't think that 'awakening' is strictly necessary, either. But I love the way you said 'seeps'.
You have a lovely description of her face there, and her hair as well. But I don't like how you put 'hair' twice in that last sentence.
There's a blizzard?
Maybe I didn't notice you mentioning that earlier, but I'm pretty sure you didn't.
I've underlined the word 'crisp' (and 'crisply') because you've already used it numerous time to describe the snow. Maybe you should use one of the following synonyms for crisp: bracing, brisk, chilly, clear, cloudless, invigorating, refreshing, stimulating, brittle, crispy, crumbly, crunchy, crusty, firm, fresh, friable, green, plump, ripe, short, unwilted, clean-cut, neat, orderly, snappy, spruce, tidy, well-groomed, well-pressed, etc. (I know many of them don;t work very well but it's all I could think of.)
Also, for the third use of 'crisp' (actually, you said 'crisply') I think you should say something like '...made its prints so clearly...' It may not be as eloquent or interesting as 'crisply', but...*shrugs*
Another 'crisp'! >.<
I also think the description of the air might be a tad purple; maybe try something like this instead: The [insert synonym for crisp here] air is tinged with tangy, exotic twist, like a drop of fruit juice swirled into water. Or maybe you could also squeeze in 'citrus' to describe the air, since in that example I neglected to say 'sweetness'.
I don't think the 'Every time I land' is clear enough. Maybe you should say: Every time my foot connects with the ground' or something like that.
Ooohh! Nice use of the word 'terpsichorean' there!
I don't think 'soar' is necessary at the end of the sentence. But it's really a matter of personal preference, and my [lack of] expertise in literacy.
There's a bit too many 'me's in that sentence for my liking. ^_~
I'm not 100% sure, but I think you could use a semi-colon after the 'hot' instead of a comma. Also, I'm not sure I like the 'blindingly strong', but I like the second part.
Iron talons? Is she the thing in the dream - the thing that was chasing her? Hhmmm...*strokes chin*
Those sentences are all kind of choppy; you might want to try joining some of them together for a better flow.
I'm not sure that I like the 'curious interest' part. It just sounds a little...off, you know?
What's with the extra I?
I think there should be a semi-colon after 'understand'.
Overall....*the crowd waits with bated breath*
....
....
....
AZILA! You will never cease to amaze me!
I really...wow.
However, no work is flawless.
But yours is just about as close as you can get. The only problems, I think, were grammatical (I think I got most of them) and a few purple sentences. I would have liked more description of her front yard, but if you need to shorten this, don't bother.
Speaking of shortening it...
The chase scene is marvelous, but if you need to lessen the word count for this piece, I would suggest cutting down on this.
This whole bit can be compacted into something smaller, I think.
In this piece, you did well in several things:
Your descriptions, as usual, were stunning. You conveyed the feeling perfectly in all but a few sentences (because those were slightly purple).
Your pacing was steady and that is probably essential to a piece like this. Yes, if you need to shorten it, you can, but if there wasn't a word limit for the contest then nothing would need to be changed in this aspect.
The dialogue was also very well done. It was credible all the time - the mother and sister reacted just like you'd expect.
The voice of the narrator was excellent; I could relate, and that, coupled with the imagery, made me feel like I was Lucy.
So yeah, great job! You should write fantasy more often.
Good luck on your contest Azila!
- Camille
Okay... Like I think I said, I'm entering this into a contest. Well I just looked at the website for the contest (The Blue Pencil from Walnut Hill, if anyone's interested) and I just realized that it's like a thousand words too long. So I'm gonna do some major editing and hopefully the piece will survive!
~Azila~
Thanks for the review, Pawprint... it was encouraging, but sadly it wasn't brutal. Anyone gonna give me a brutal review? PLEASE?
~Azila~
*claps hands for...2 hours.*
That was awsome Azila!
I like how you gave a lot of details!
keep writing!
I'm going to be entering this into a competition by the 1st of January. Please be brutal, I can take it.
~Azila~
You know this is one of the few first-person pieces that i've read and i really liked it. I don't think that all of monologue's were entirely realistic. I don't think that anybody thinks about those things, especially in the current tense.
Kingdom Carrier: Thanks!! Welcome, and I can't wait to read your stuff!!
Misty: I don't think I'm going to make it into a novel. I might right a short sequel, though... but we shall see. If I do, it won't be what you expect, I have an idea
Polkadots: Thank you! I will work on the mother's reactions.
Everyone I didn't mention: Thanks for reading and leaving a comment!
~Azila
A bit wordy, I think. Maybe you could break it up into two posts. The description is great, especially the "other world." Character description is also good. All in all, a good read.
I agree with canislupis. This is a story where you have to read the whole thing before you can understand it. Hey, that just builds suspense. I like how you use the dream to tell a separate story. I can relate to that. That is how I write my stories. Be on the lookout for Aurali!!
Keep in touch!
nonononononononono...
*politely disagrees with polkadots*
Don't change the end, the gloomy suddenness is what gives it all it's twang.
although i do agree with polkadots about the mothers' reaction in the real world being unrealistic.
but---I definitely DO NOT think that this should be a novel. AT ALL. It's like the rebirth of the decent short story. Leave well enough alone. !! Pleaseunlessyoudon'twantto.
I enjoyed your story. Your descriptions are quite vivid - especially in the second world. The descriptions were precise and well-worded and flowed well and gave amazing imagery. I could imagine the world very well, but I couldn't quite imagine the regular world as well, but I could. The story was a bit draggy at some points in the regular world and the mother's reaction wasn't as realistic, but I can see the reasons for you doing that. I didn't really like the end; her sudden remembrance of the past world was a bit too sudden. Is that explained later on? I think she should bumble around in the New World before being launched into a new persona.
Otherwise, very good. I'd look forward to reading more.
This story seems a tad bit confusing. It just jumps into this weird place, and the character is doing weird things. I don't really get her much. I don't see why she is acting so strangely? Is she normally like this? There needs to be a bit more explanation, or everybody would be left clueless.
Hi,
Keep it up!
I didn't notice anything wrong with this story, I found it totally interesting. What's up with Lucy's dreams? Why are they filled with snow? It really held my interest. The description and dialogue are both ace!
Thank you so much, everyone!
At first, I was going to say that they had a party the day before, but then I changed the plot a bit and deleted that idea, but the rumcake was still there. Anyway, I've gotten rid of it.
I changed a lot of things, but I just don't have the heart to take out the alligators yet (sorry Snoink and Co.) but I'll have to think about it and ask around with my non-YWS writing friends.
I wrote it as I went along (meaning that when I started, I had no clue how it would end) so that could explain some of the rough spots.
Misty: Thanks a million for all the nice things you said about it! I did make most of the corrections, except for the "sinewy" one, because that was what I had in mind for the mother: strong and skinny. I might add more words like that describing her throughout, though... Oh, and about the rumcake
Again, thanks everyone!!
~Azila
Hey Azila! You're a lot of fun. Good story, I liked it. Onto the critique. ^_^
Whether you mean to or not, this is directly talking to your reader. Not necessarily a good thing to do. A simple rephrase will do.GENERAL OVERVIEW
I'm impressed with this story. To tell you the truth, I absolutely detest fantasy fiction (unless it's done really, really well), so I was wondering how much I would like this. But I actually enjoyed it from the very beginning. Unlike Squallz, who thinks that your descriptions in the other world are weak, I think they're very strong. They're shocking. You do this great thing where you slowly build in intensity, and this doesn't only gain the readers' interest, it builds panic. Throughout the story, things seem to go from bad to worse, with Lucy's sister and mother really not knowing what to do.
Even as Lucy's sister and mom are trying to figure out a way to help them, you're creating an interest that makes your reader want to go back to the world--why the snow? Why the sleepwalking? Why the desperate urge to get back there somehow? These are all questions that are built and developed. It's wonderful. ^_^
There was a particularly good segment in the middle, I think the second to last time she goes to the snow, where there is a literal panic--anxiety, that you build, and that's absolutely excellent.
THINGS YOU DID WELL
1. Character Dialogue The dialogue between lucy and her sister is excellent, very believable. The descriptions between the two, the concerned relationship, the curtness, all very good. Through the dialogue, you were also able to show that Lucy isn't normally a "meany" (let's stray from words like meany though). So you gave us a good idea of the characters intentions and at the same time developed them. Nice work. Done like a pro.
2. Good use of description, prose. You're all things quite young, quite good, and quite new here. At your age (and this is sad), we're still expecting run-on sentences, shifty dialogue, bad grammar, bad attention to detail, and slips between the present and past tense. CHEERS TO YOU! YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED! YOU WROTE SOMETHING THAT DID NOT MAKE ME WANT TO (how did my friend so eloquently put it.. oh yes) POKE MY EYES OUT WITH A PENCIL! Thank youuu! I always appreciate it when somebody's story isn't so appalling that it sends me into cardiac arrest. *pants* Not only did you NOT send me into cardiac arrest, but your story intrigued me. It was enjoyable to read.
3. Sparing use of the fantasy element. I am not a fan of fantasy, which is where this comes in. ^_^ You actually were very realistic--sleepwalking, her spreading her fingers out so they wouldn't touch, making it so her limbs didn't touch--things like that, which your reader will recognize as sickness--both subtle and obvious things, were excellent. Cheers to that. Also (hurrah!) your story is, from what I can tell (and again, I don't read fantasy) very original. I could actually see this in the other fiction section, which always brightens my day.
THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK
1. Line Edit:
2. Line Edit Rum-cake is it? This is somewhat misleading to the reader, because rum-cake isn't a familiar substance to most people, and also because rumcake has nothing to do with nothing. Again, just a rephrase or substitute will do.
3. Line Edit: not sure if "sinewy" is the word you're looking for.
4. Line Edit Eh, she probably knew it was fluffy, she has been sleeping on it for [insert number of years here]. Delete.
5. Optional reword: I first misread this as "bleeding" together and like that better. ^_^
CONCLUSION
First, I conclude that I should start going to bed at a reasonable hour so I don't pass out while writing reviews. ^_^ Other than that, I conclude that you are a good writer and this is a crappy conclusion paragraph. Gimme a sec....k...
K for one thing being sleepy makes your lovely descriptions of beds all the nicer. Other than that, it's interesting to me that you never really describe snow as cold? Hmm. I agree with what [insert random person] said before me, about how both dream-mom and mom-mom were worried about her.
and I am gonna take a nap.
at 11am.
cheers!
I also agree with the alligator thing. I do like how you've described everything, but you need to give us a chance to connect with the characters a little bit more. But overall, your story is very nice.
Nice job! This is one of those stories where you don't quite understand it untill the end, where it sorta clicks into place. I agree with the other reviewers that you should get rid of the aligators. it kinda takes away from the flow of the story, and makes it a bit confusing. I liked the way you portrayed her mother and sister.
Some parts of this story weren't very specific, which you could change. I also felt that in some parts the dialogue didn't feel realistic, which you could change maybe by envisioning yourself actually speaking them, so they loose some of their stiffness and become more realistic.
That's all I have to say, and other than that good job.
Wow, I liked this! It was crazy...kind of weird, but cool! I enjoyed it.
I didn't like that. Is 'meanly' even a word? If so, I don't like it anyway.
But other than that, GREAT story. Seriously. I liked it how you made her wake up to 'Lucy' every time she was awoken. I also liked it how the two different mothers each were asking 'what's wrong with you?'
Anyway, good job!
Yours absolutely,
Well, you already say after the aligators "I exclaim, not constraining my emotions into words, but saying it with my mind." So I don't think you need anything more than just that explanation. After that, the reader just assumes that she's talking telepathically. So I would just use quotation marks and rely on the reader to be smart enough to figure that out.
Hi
I'm thinking more about it too... I think I might make it into a novella some day and have this be the first chapter. Oh, and I used the alligators because I wanted there to be a difference between when the characters are communicating by way of speech and by way of thought. Do you have any suggestions of a better way to do that? Thanks again, I will have to chew a bit on some of the things you said and decide how to incorporate them.
Thanks for reading it, guys! I'm so surprised that I got replies already!
Squallz: Thanks for the criticism, I will keep it in mind as I re-read.
Snoink: Thank you! The style was supposed to change, to I'm glad to hear that you noticed it.
~Azila
First of all, if you want to have this appear on the front page, you must rate it! Then people will read the first lines and probably be sucked into this story, as I was.
Anyway, lovely story. Weird story. The contrast of styles between snow and summer was weird and I almost stopped, but I was too curious to see what happened in the end. The ending was weird... I'll have to think about it more. I think Lucy died, in our world though.
One thing that I was wondering about was why did the mother and Libby keep on insisting that she should return to bed? If I had a girl who was sleepwalking such as that, I would keep her awake as long as I could until she gets a chance to see a doctor. Just a thought.
A nitpicky thing... you're doing the Animorphs thing where they communicate with the aligator signs (< and >). Don't do this. Just use regular quotation marks.
But nice story. It's refreshingly weird.
Awkward phasing.
Hips are not flexible hon.
I think this piece was ok. You do well in describing the surroundings between the real world and in the girl's mind. The problems with this piece is not technical, but more on the ideas, themes and emotion factor.
I did not feel a connection with your character. She seems to be some girl who sees these visions. What are the visons for? Her character seems stale and a tad annoying. So is the mothers.
The piece also drags on quite a bit. You focus on exploring the ice setting so much that I got bored and simply skimmed to the end. The ending wasn't even that good. Not very sharp and piercing.
Cut down on the irrelevant parts of this piece and make the plot flow faster. It will bound to attract more reader's attention.
Andy