A little girl in a blue dress the deep color of the evening sky with white lace like stars frolics with a friend. They roll together on the rug, now they drag balloons and toys the size of themselves across the room, now they climb on the banister only to slip down on top of each other. One runs, the other follows. One giggles and turns a clumsy, lopsided summersault, the other follows. They stand up. She looks your way with dark, mischievous eyes; eyes that twinkle with intelligence and radiate with pleasure and beauty. As she stares and smiles at you, she falls over onto her friend. He topples and his head hits a hard surface. He begins to cry. She reaches both arms towards him, forgetting you. He sits down stubbornly. She lifts him back to a standing position. She wraps her arms around his neck. His head stops hurting and he giggles, so does she. She pecks him on the nose. He stares, cross-eyed, at her face, so close to his own. He grins and they fall over. His head again hits the hard surface, but he doesn’t notice. They are once more inseparable in a tangle of joyful yelps and giggles.
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Thanks everyone!
) I edit this, I'll definitely take your ideas into account!
When (if
!Azila~
Sweet! I loved the light, blissful tone to this; it perfectly captures the mood of little kids' birthday parties.
Hmm...I was going to comment on the first sentence, but you probably get the point by now. The rest of the paragraph is wordy and crunched, too. I think you should separate the paragraphs, focusing on specific things, but not in too much detail. Maybe first describe the girl--her clothes, her face, her attitude. Then the surroundings--balloons, toys, presents, and such. Maybe then focus on the other kid and how he's interacting with the little girl.
Hope that helps! This is really wonderful. I enjoyed reading it.
The flash fiction medium is fine for this piece. I won't say anything about the first sentence...you've already been harped on for that enough
I don't think splitting it into two paragraphs is necessary if you improve the flow, and to do this I suggest varying the sentence structure, particularly near the end of the piece, where nearly every sentence starts with "He..." The repetition seriously taxes your reader's attention, and thus the events of the piece become garbled, and another paragraph thereby seems necessary.
I agree with Snoink about the adjectives, and with chocoholic about getting it moved to other fiction, but it looks like you might have already done so..... The one thing I disagree about with choco is about her opinion that you should make it longer..... I think its better like it is, as flash fiction...
This uses too many adjectives to really do justice to the scene. You have a bunch of movement -- it's playtime, no? So don't clutter it up with three adjectives every sentence. Trim it down, focus more on the movements, and it'll turn out much better.
That was cute, but I don't think it really belongs in Non-Fiction.
It showed little kids so perfectly, how they can fall and be crying on minute, and then running around and laughing the next.
I hope you make it longer, because it was really nice.
Sa, 'twas cute, but it seems to be short fiction to me. Ask a mod to move it to "Other Fiction" or something.
Otherwise, it was well written, but maybe you could add a paragraph in there somewhere? To space it out, like. ^_^
Thanks for the review, Ayra!
So thanks for bringing it back to my attention. Your suggestion about the first sentence really helps; I was kind of at a loss of what do to about it. 
To tell you the truth I'd almost forgotten about this piece.
As for the hard surface, I wanted it to be anonymous because in my mind it doesn't matter... and by now I don't remember anyway.
So yeah, thanks for reading! Please do read my work, it needs a lot of work. XD
~Azila~
Aw, that was cute!
I must agree about the first sentence though--it kind of runs on for a while.
I would suggest changing it to:
A little girl frolics [insert adverb/adjective here] with a friend. In the bright, fluorescent light, white lace shines like stars from the deep blue velvet of her dress.
Or something like that. I just randomly chose what material her dress was, as well as the type of lighting, so just ignore that part. ^.^
I think you should specify what hard surface. Like maybe saying something similar to this:
He topples over and hits his head on the hard wooden floorboards.
Again with the hard surface...
Well, I'm not sure exactly how helpful that was, but..meh. I have the morbid feeling that I've been neglecting to review your work (I generally try to review my friend's pieces whenever I can) because it's just...better than mine and I usually don't have anything useful to say.
Keep up the good work,
Ayra
That was sweet! Short, but sweet.
The first sentence isn't consistent with the rest of the piece. You say: 'They are rolling," instead of 'They roll.' So revise it to fit the rest, like this:
"They roll together on the rug, now they drag balloons and toys the size of themselves across the room, now they climb on the banister..." etc.
The parts in bold are repeated, but I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not.
Anyway, as I said before, sweet. It was kinda cute. Good job.
~Madame Kool
Thanks guys! Yeah, that opening sentence is a little rough. I'm not sure how I'm gonna rewrite it quite yet, but I will.
Oh, and canislupis: I changed the part about her eyes, I think it's better now.
I agree with little lucy about the first sentence, also you should redo this sentence:
'She looks your way with mischievous, dark eyes;'
maybe just rearrange the order a little bit so maybe:
'She looks your way with dark colored mischievous eyes......"
I don't know, something like that.
Did you think that first sentence through? You cram too much into it. The first sentence is meant to be a hook, but yours is long and bland. Try breaking it up, because the reader loses interest after the "blue dress".