A flash of lightning momentarily illuminates the landscape.
The sky is a tumultuous battlefield. The wind is an almost visible current that tatters the white clouds and enrages the dark ones, so determined to shed their tears. The wind dances in a wild frenzy, tearing at the white clouds until they have all either fled, or have been ripped to shreds. And, as if one gains from the other’s defeat, the dark clouds continue to grow in size and strength.
The air is alive.
Unrest moistens feathers and glistens in twitching fur. Its sharp tang mingles with the coarse scent of the forest and entwines itself in the fresh air of the hills. Trees swing uneasily as the prickly air dances in their leaves. The grassy hills ungulate like a churning sea and ponds whirl, distorting dappled reflections.
The atmosphere becomes electric with anxiety.
Everything holds its breath in anticipation; the animals freeze in the middle of whatever they are doing; beavers pause, teeth bared against bark. Chipmunks, cheeks bulging, stand still, bodies stiff and fur on end. The trees cease their gentle swaying as the wind stills. Even the hills seem somehow quieted.
All look anxiously up at the sky.
The clouds have begun to weep. Tiny drops of water slice through the thick, metallic air, racing each other towards the waiting ground. Each stares at its individual target – a blade of grass, a leaf, a strand of fur – as it speeds up to meet them.
Born of the lightning, a growl of thunder splinters the silence.
The first tear hits a blade of grass and shatters. The apprehension broken, turmoil ensues. The wind, reborn, tosses boughs and tears through grass. Animals run for cover. Rain drops dance against their targets.
In this split second between lightning and thunder, a storm has begun.
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140,293 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Thanks for the advise, Chimpy. I kinda like the idea of making the sentences reflect the storm itself... but I also like the formatting as it is.
I will definitely try to work more with smell, though.
Thanks!
~Azila~
I think you did a pretty good job with this. You have nice descriptions, and it's very vivid. My only advice would be to take what you have and have the sentences & structure mirror that of a storm. That is, very quick, and very chaotic looking. Right now, there's too much rhythm to it, such as one sentence then paragraph then one sentence then paragraph, etc.
You should also take out any "And"s that you have starting off sentences, and also add more in the ways of smell. For instance, many times, you can smell a storm coming. The air seems a bit fresher, and there's also that bit of a chill you can get even when it's 95 degrees outside.
So chop up sentences; make them short and quick, and keep on developing this. So far, I really like it and I think what you have already is good enough. But why stop there?
Let me just say, that was amazing.
EDITED! Please let me know what you think. I tried to work a bit of smell and touch into it in that second big paragraph... hopefully it's somewhat improved.
~Azila~
P.S. I feel bad that I have been focusing only on my stuff on here lately, but I haven't been on very much because I have been SUPER busy, so please forgive me. I will try to make more time for YWS in a few weeks.
Oh wow!
Azila, I am sooo jealous. Meh. Your descriptions are vivid and powerful, and I really get drawn into the story.
You should be published. Seriously.
Anyways, everything has already been said. I agree with Heather about the five senses, but other than that this was spectacular!
Keep writing,
Ayra
Thanks Kylan smorgishborg and kitty15!
Kylan: I sis edit it so that (hopefully) the animals are less Disney-ish.
borg: I was thinking along those lines: that the storm itself is the main character, thanks.
kitty: I know what you mean. I guess I tend to focus too much on the visual and the other senses kind of slink away. Thank you so much for the review... and the contest!
~Azila~
I like this Azila. You have some beautiful description and the atmosphere is well set but I think it could be stronger. You need to take into account all five senses when writing description and I think you should mention the smell of the damp grass and the damp fur. Also, when describing how the animals freeze and fall silent, it would be more effective if you noted and described the noises they were making before they paused. Like the beaver gnawing on the bark - there's that scratching sound, a rhythmic scraping.
And then there's touch. Now, a storm is intangible, it doesn't feel of anything, right? Wrong. It feels of fear, it feels natural. Just like there's that smell in the air, that taste of damp and anticipation on the tongue, there's also that feeling. That shudder as the world moves aside to make way for this tremendous beast.
So this is very nice but it would be great if you extended it and built up to the beginning of the storm more. Spend a little bit more time setting the scene, describing the animals that are scuttling about. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
I really did like this, for the most part* your description was supurb. Also the way you broke it up really developed suspence. In terms of putting the reader in the action, in the storm, you did a fantastic job. Very very very good.
By the way: this story needs no more characters; it already has enough. I enjoyed your personification of the wind, the clouds, the rain... I'd much rather you continued the story by telling me what the storm did next, becuase it is the real focus. Perhaps the thunder... Perhaps a tornado? It doesn't matter, but this isn't a novel, this isn't going to go on for pages and pages. It's a great short story, and keep it that way, and don't desert what you've been doing so far.
*Why is the air "metallic?". Just curious.
Yes, a very nice piece of flash fiction. You managed to capture the beginning of a storm brilliantly. There are no characters, however, and it is very difficult to portray the mannerisms of animals properly in so small a space; so when you described the furry creatures of the forest, I imagined a disney movie of some sort, which kind of diminished the rest of your writing. I think the only animal you described specifically was a chipmunk and maybe a beaver or two.
Advice: Describe more of the animals and their individual reactions to the storm. This will give this piece a more mature atmosphere and counteract the vague animals-romping-through-the-forest description that the story has now. I want to hear the deer running through the underbrush and I want smell the wet feathers on the eagles. You know what I mean? The description is great, but it could be better. Just a thought.
Keep up the good work.
-Kylan
Thanks people!
I'm not that crazy about this piece myself anyway... so I don't mind if you say it stinks. You don't have to coat your critiques in honey or anything.
Anyway, I will definitely take EVERYTHING you guys said into consideration.
Oh, and a question for anyone who has an opinion: Do you think I should italicize the one-line paragraphs???
Thank you again!!!
~Azila~
Hmmmm, good description, but there isn't much plot. There are no characters, no dialogue, and nothing has really happened yet. Its very short, and it feels like you are describing more of a scene. Know what I mean?
Your imagery is very good, and readers do get a good picture in their minds. Some parts did feel a little melodramatic and unnecesary though. I also found one teensy little error:
Should be "bodies"
Other than that, this was quite good. I feel that it wants something else to happen, and it could be continued in almost any way.
Good Luck with your contest!
Great opening line. It draws the reader in and makes them wnat to read more.
Nice description. It's very visual, you can almost feel the wind and see the rain. The metaphors you used worked well, too.
I didn't like this line. Why are they victorious? What did they conquor? This needs more explination.
The whole thing changes in the second bit. It's no longer about the storm, it's about the animals. The last line was good, though.
Thank you both!
Prokaryote: I absolutely know what you mean about that sentence. I was trying to sort of take the reader inside the rain drops. But you're right, I do need to fix that. I will work on it
St. Razorblade: Thanks for the meaningless pirate ramble.
Again, thanks for reviewing!!
Anyone else want to follow suit??
~Azila
I love it, Azila.
It's a great piece of flash fiction. I think you've captured a storm wonderfully.
One thing, though: "Each stares at its individual target – a blade of grass, a leaf, a strand of fur – and wills itself to reach there undisturbed."
That sentence strikes me as oddly worded; mainly the last part. Might want to think about rephrasing that.
I glanced at some of your other work and I think you have a knack for description. Very good.
Prokaryote
Ooh, nice description. I can't really say much because there isn't much, besides probably register a complaint that it's very short. Which isn't really much of a complaint, unless you're not trying for flash fiction.
Meaningless pirate rambles aside, your description is really powerful. Makes for a really tense and dramatic atmosphere. Well played.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate