I went for a walk at midnight last night, and this is based on that experience. Many of the things actually happened.
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The faint call of an owl drifts towards me through the otherwise silent night. My warm cheeks burn against the crisp chill of air; autumn has come, I can smell it. Huge, silhouetted trees form a lacy skyline around me, black against the speckled blue of the midnight sky.
At first glance, the stars seem to be scattered at random across the sky, like the spilled contents of an upturned sugar bowl, but looking closer, they appear arranged across their heavenly bed as if by divine strategy. They sit like diamonds on black velvet, glaring down at me, entrancing me, surrounding me. Each of the distant pinpricks seems to be scrutinizing me, yet indifferent to me, like sleepy cats watching halfheartedly as a frightened mouse squirms, outnumbered and cornered.
My feet are moving and I think they have been for some time; methodical and unvarying, they slowly push the outlined trees past me, but the stars follow me, holding my stare.
Suddenly, a shooting star cuts through my vision, slicing across the sky like the tip of a blade. I am still unable to break my eye contact with the stars, but I am now aware of more around me: Coyotes howl manically, closer than comfort would allow; howl follows howl, each building off the last, into an eerie cacophony. A mist is forming, wispy and innocent, but within minutes, I know, it will become too thick to see through.
I want to run while I can still see where I am going, but the stars seem to glow tauntingly even as the thought passes through my head. I can almost hear them sing “You know you want to turn away, but do you have the strength?” No, I do not.
Another star slips from somewhere in the sky, down into a black tree. All of the stars are falling sideways in perfect unison. What is happening? Something vast is rushing towards me, something that stings with gravel as it slaps my skin.
The ground has saved me from drowning in the sky.
Slowly, I push myself up. I begin to walk back home, looking down at my feet. The coyotes have been silenced, as if discouraged. My head is pulled upwards urgently, but I refuse; I will not let myself be caught again.
My feet break into a run, across gravel… grass… bricks. I open the front door and sprint into bed. Safe and sound, I look out of the window. The Pleiades glares accusingly down at me, “Cheater.” Briefly, I return the stare, before turning my back towards the window and burrowing deeper into the blankets.
The faint call of an owl drifts towards me through the window screen.
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hey Azila~~~I really like what you have written! You use such good words!!!I am soooo jealous of you~~~!!!HEhe~~~!!!I like the imaginary thing you had written. I had also wanted to add something like this in my novel but i don't know how to write it and describe it. If i need any help i will bre surely asking you~~~!!!Good job~!!!
~~~Love,Dylan
I can't really say any thing more constructive than what has already been said. The imagery and your description's were very good for this type of writing and story. I enjoyed it.
Simply WOW! Your writing shows that you really think like that while you are among nature. You don't really just take a walk, you look around, feel the night! Amazing how you explain the stars.
'I am still unable to break my eye contact with the stars, but I am now aware of more around me'
I also noticed you personified a lot of your descriptions. For example the fog,
A mist is forming, wispy and INNOCENT.
I won't be forgetting this.
Our best pieces are the ones that are based on our true feelings. Your really felt the night on your walk.
Thanks so much everyone!
Don't say that, Ayra! Be confident! ...And besides, it makes me self-conscious.
Again, thanks for reading and reviewing!
~Azila~
Wow, that was spectacular!
Really amazing piece of writing.
I can't find a single thing wrong with it.
I envy you, actually. I'm also 12 but my writing is nowhere near as good as yours.
Your writing painted a picture in my head. I could actually feel the concrete against my cheek (hard and musty; cold. Little grains of rock and sand, perhaps crunched glass, forming a rough, prickly surface..)
and see the stars.
Well done!
Wow... no wonder you critiqued so much on my work! 12 and with imagery like this?
I bow down to you, master
I gave you your cherry by the way...
I can't critique on your post. You mentioned my use of comma's... you've used them a lot but in a way, that it's... well... beautiful!
And, I've never written work at night... I'll try tonight...
But usually, my head hits the pillow and WHAM! I'm asleep
I'll just say that... well... umm...
Next time... Get something I can actually critique on please!!!!!!
Hehe... Joking...
Keep it up
I agree with the previous reviewers, you have a knack for stringing words together to create stunning imagery.
I couldn't really find anything wrong. Only if it turns into a story or anything it would be a bit confusing. It's difficult to say what's exactly going on. However, if it's just about your walk than there's nothing wrong....
Keep up the good work.
Thanks people!
) you commented on. And I'll change that capitalization thingy too...
I'll try to work with all those me's (whoa! That sounds like I have multiple personality disorder
Thank you again!!
~Azila
Beautiful imagery. I didn't notice any grammar slip-ups, so no complaints there. ^_^
I'd suggest cutting away one or two "me"s. They just seem cumbersome when you use 'em in bulk like that.
"Cheater."
Other than that, this is pretty clean.
Cheers,
Sumi
The imagery in this piece is amazing. I can see everything.
"Huge, silhouetted trees form a lacy skyline around me..."
I've never thought of tree tops against the sky as appearing lacy, but that's actually an excellent way of describing it. I really like the similes you used throughout the piece and your descriptions are great. You didn't use cliche lines like "indigo sky" which makes your writing stand out in my mind.
Great job. I will definitely have to read more of your work.
Lovely! I don't have much of "night life" in my town, just frogs and cats. Anyway, thanks.
You know, I once saw four otters.
Thank you so much people!! I actually wrote this in bed last night after going for the walk.
I will try to work on the things you said, Canislupis, but it's hard because the first part is more what it was actually like, then after that is my elaboration.
Thanks again!
~Azila
Great job! I have to say that this is one of my favorite pieces that you've posted so far. The descriptions are great and the imagery is fantastic, and you also use some great similies. I did notice that you use commas excessively, even in places where they are not necessary. I also didn't get a good feel of the mood of this piece, at least not untill the third paragraphs. I suggest revealing the mood earlier in the story. Other than that, this was fantastic.
My favorite part:
Very powerful!
Once again, I really, really liked this.
That was really just a fantastic little bit of writing. You're imagery and descriptions were phenomenal. Way to make a night walk really interesting! I really like how you described yourself tripping and hitting the pavement as if it saved you from 'drowning' in the stars, which is an interesting take on looking at the sky. I wish I had your talent for writing at your age. Keep it up.
Nothing in the piece seemed wrong to me reading through it. You do seem to use semi-colons a lot which is interesting. Nothing wrong with it of course. Anyways, great work! I don't feel like I have anything constructive to say lol.
-aero