A fair evening...
her frozen winds
lick my bare limbs
and slay all fires;
.
A midnight sky...
shining above,
crying “freedom,”
tells a story;
.
Open meadows...
waist-high grasses
sway sleepily,
just like we do.
.
Perfect silence...
not one thing stirs
in the shadows
and ruins this peace;
.
There’s that full moon,
rising afar,
to cast her rays
upon the earth;
.
Arms around me
serve as a quilt,
keeping me warm
and safe from harm;
.
I knew I loved you,
On that fair evening.
.
-------
(Yeah, the period between the stanzas is to enforce the breaks in the lines. I don't know why YWS deletes them when I post, when I know DANG well I wrote it that way!)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.
I liked the more nature-oriented theme of this poem. Instead of the focus being romance, the whole poem is drawing a parallel between nature and a relationship. One stanza doesn't really fit with the theme, I find, (The second one. There isn't any tie-in to "she" or "our" like in the other stanzas, which makes it jarring) but for the most part you managed to pull the metaphors very nicely.
Overall, I liked this a lot. It has good flow and used language nicely.
PM me with questions!
~Rosey
Hi.
I like this, because most people don't say that the wind is licking them. So, it calls a new image to mind, not clichéd one.
Crying "freedom"? Maybe I am missing something. Is this the moon or the whole sky?
Very nice ending, and an overall good poem.
I wish I could be more helpful, but why change what is already well written?
--McMourning
I don't really know what I'm doing but I think I have to press reply to review it?
Anyway, It was awesome, I bet you could pull that off as some poet writing that and people wouldn't understand it and it'd be like the emperors new clothes. (Not that it isn't good, I'm just saying that alot of poerty is meant to make sense to the author and everyone else just thinks that it is good because they don't understand it.)
I am sorry, i'm making a mess of this, and it isn't very constructive.
I liked it ok? forget the other stuff i said, it's way too confusing, even to me