*The last line, written in Spanish, translates to "You are my heart."*
.
Kiss me softly.
Let the water fall.
Forget the world around us;
Let it just be us.
You don't have to be rich,
And something that you're not.
And you don't have to die for me.
Just love me,
And be forever mine.
T'u eres m'i coraz'on.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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This is a decent start, but there is bucketloads of potential here that you haven't fulfilled. You get the overall gist of the speaker's argument, but as other critics have commented, you seem to have rushed the poem. "Vomit writing" is fine, and it helps you to let go, but you need to shape and craft your work and control your language to for maximum impact. Explore with imagery: the idea of water as a metaphor for all-drowning, all-consuming love seems appropriate to me, given the apparent waterfall/rain setting.
The main problem I find with this poem is that it lacks detail. At the moment, it consists of abrupt, vague statements that do little for the imagination. Try to avoid using adverbs - how do you kiss 'softly'? By slobbering? Caressing your lips over the other person's? You've got a sketch of a poem here - use imagery, detail and creative turns of phrase to turn it into a powerful one!
I would suggest reading as much poetry as you can get hold of. Don't start with Shakespeare, choose someone reasonably accessible like Plath or Frost. Once you get a feel for the language of poetry, go back to your own piece and see what changes you could make.
Hope this helps!
Gahks
Hello, Roon here! This really caught my eye, I’ll start with nitpicking!
Okay, this is a really sweet little poem. I think you should add more, and put in stanza breaks. I think some imagery would go well here too. Maybe use the theme of the water?
You don’t need to capitalise all the starts of the lines. Only do it when it’s a new sentence. It breaks up the flow of the poem a little.
It all seems a little clichéd, try to add a personal touch, it would really bring the poem to life. At the moment it could have been written by anyone, you need to make this idea really yours. Saying that, love is a difficult thing to write about, because so many ideas have become cliché, as it’s always been a popular thing, so my hat goes off to you!
So I don’t have much to criticise, one because it’s short and two because it’s ace! If you have any questions, about me or what I've said, or you want another review, please let me know, it's a pleasure to read something like this!
Keep up the good work!
~ Roon
Thanks a bunch, everyone!
And to answer your question Teague, yes, the apostrophes are substituting for accents, because I couldn't figure out how to type the accented letters themselves. And thanks for the correction; I'm only in Spanish 2...
But thank you SO MUCH, everyone, for the tips!
Hello Ayumi! To begin with, I must say I really like the title. I don't know Spanish, past "Hola" and "Si", but foreign language always catches my attention, and that's why I looked at this thread! Otherwise, I probably would have looked it over. Which would have been unfortunate, because this was a lovely poem.
---Critiquing Begins---
The beginning was very beautiful, sentimental, all those things. Wonderful imagery and metaphors. Then you get sort of harsher words; not mean words, but words that aren't as mellifluous. "You don't have to be rich, - and something that you're not." really threw me off from the wonderful beginning. The next line, "And you don't have to die for me" was very powerful, however. I don't believe you should change that; just those two middle lines.
Also, the two sentences beginning with "and", right after the other, was a bit of awkward flow as well. I advise taking away one of those "and"s. Or maybe even both. I think just stating "You don't have to die for me" is more powerful.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem, and keep writing!
.Doctor
Awww that was sweet.
But there was something weird about the last three lines.
I really liked it, but I was just wondering why did you write "Mí Corazón" with the two apostrophes?
Anyway, I liked it.
Good job.
I'm not a poetry critic because I know very little about the medium, but I do have to ask -- what's up with the oddly placed apostrophes in the Spanish? Are you aiming for accents? The one in "tu" makes sense because without the accent it means "your," and "corazon" has an accent too, but "mi" doesn't have an accent. Not in this context, since it's being used to indicate possession. It only has an accent if it means "me." So you're basically saying "You are me heart," and unless you're a pirate, it doesn't make a lot of sense.
The Annoying Multilingual Grammar Nazi,
Teague
Edit: These might help! ó ú
Copy paste ftw. ;D
Hi!!
I liked the poem, very short but very romantic, the kind of poem that if someone sends it to me, will definitely melt me like butter.
This part flows very well, just erase the that in the last verse.
This part on the other hand, does not sound so good. Try erasing the are in the first verse and try this in the following verses.
You just have to love me,
and be forever mine
that's all I see, and well, as Flower says, it's a little bit rushed,. It transmits the feelings but it wouldn't harm it if there was a little more feeling.
so, that's all. I loved it.
Pudin
Ok, review time.
I like this, but it seems to be a little rushed. I think that if you make it a little slower, and capture more of the feelings to it I would like it more. I do like the last line, but what does it mean? Oh and give a little background or something who is why are they there or something like that.
Keep Writing
-Flower-