When I see your downcast eyes,
When I hear your mournful sighs,
When I see you break and cry,
When I hear you wonder why,
When I feel afraid for you,
I stand up.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The simple line 'I stand up' makes this simple and short poem stand out.
It explains the rest of the lines and from my point of view is the key to the rest of the poem! Nice touch...
happy writing.
Nice job! It was short and simple, but straight to the point. It really shows how much you want to protect that particular person. I cannot find any errors as well.
Good work, keep it up!
Short and sweet. That was really nice and flowing. I'm guessing it means you help this person when they're in need. I don't have anything to say, except maybe you could add just a little more. Another stanza saying some more things that could happen and what you would do to help.
Your poem is so beautiful and to the point- no fluff, you get to the heart of it all. It sounds perfect, for this story. Can't wait to read more of your things!
Agree with the other commenters, the second-to-last line's beat is slightly off. But you need that line to make the last line so powerful. Don't delete, make it sound stronger!
You are so awesome to write this peom, wish somebody would love me like that...
Wow. I've never gotten such a response from so many people before! It feels GREAT!!
Thanks a bunch, everyone!
Whoa...that was actually really good. Short as the public's honeymoon with Obama, but good as a shoulder to cry on. (I know what I just said made no sense at all. It happens.) This poem says a lot in few words, which is always a good thing. It shows the sympathetic, heroic nature of the speaker, as well as vats of emotion. (Vats....I really need to put down the thesaurus.) I just wish I had someone like that, someone who would stand up for me. I did once, but that is a very long and sad story....
Wow.
I love this poem - the way you have managed to express such a powerful sense of protection is a few short lines is incredible.
I must admit, when I clicked on this topic, I was apprehensive, expecting a lecturing poem about doing the Right Thing and so on.
But I am thoroughly impressed. Keep writing!!
Pgsgirl x
Hello, Roon here! I absolutely loved this! Nitpicks first though:
Okay, this was beautiful, really it was, just stunning. The punctuation drew me away from the poem though. The whole thing is one sentence, and there are too many commas.
However, the flow of the poem is wonderful and the message is powerful. It’s short, abrupt and effective. I really enjoyed it! The simplicity holds a certain beauty, for me, that is so refreshing.
The rhyme is good, not forced at all. And the last two lines really capture the emotion well. Thank you for posting, if you post more, let me know, this was a fabulous read!
~ Roon
Ayumi--
I enjoy this poem, mainly because I think the final line is so simple and sweet. I have only one qualm I would like to point out though: I don't think you should end every line with a comma. It's distracting, and I would think that considering how short and one sentence this is, the end of the line speaks for itself and a comma doesn't need to show up and say that there's going to be a continuation of the sentence.
Good work though, and that's just a quick thought from me.
~ Clo
Hi there Ayumi! I'm Kamas here to review.
This is a sweet, short little poem I enjoyed.
Somethings to fix ya, but I liked its nursery rhyme sort of feel.
Nice intro. No comment here.
You've already created a flow in your words which is great. You have the syllable count pretty well done.
One thing is that you should fix. Since the above line finishes with a comma , You either need to put a period instead of a comma at the end of the first line or Change the when to a lower case.
For this poem I suggest sentences instead of commas.
Same comment as above.
Ditto
Now I don't like this line. The length of it hacks up the flow you you so nicely built up.
I suggest you get rid of one of those verbs (Lost or afraid) I suggest you try it both ways and pick to one that flows the best. And same comment as the last three lines applies to this one too.
Nice short simple ending I like it. It ends off your poem definitely without hacking up the rhythm
nice work! It was a sweet little poem.
PM for any questions whatsoever.
~Kamas
Short, sweet, and to the point. I like your style.
To stand up and defend/protect/console the person who is most dearest to you... great work for such a small space, with real emotion to match. Keep writing.