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night

by Awsomesauseness


The night was black and blue

like an eye being punched through and through

The moon lights up the night like one hundred birthday candles on a beautiful cake

The stars shine like your baby girls eyes for the very first time

For there are no clouds in the sky its wide open like the ocean blue but soon the sun will rise again yet the night will come again


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93 Reviews


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 1:04 am
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hey CesareBorgia, here for a review

This will be a short review, seeing as this was a short poem.

The night was black and blue

like an eye being punched through and through


Not the first simile I would think of. It's not very poetic, but then again you are a new writer so I'll cut you some slack.

The moon lights up the night like one hundred birthday candles on a beautiful cake


You should totally use more descriptive words. :wink: I would word it like this:

The stars riddle the sky like the candles that riddle a birthday cake


It uses imagery and descriptive words.

For there are no clouds in the sky its wide open like the ocean blue but soon the sun will rise again yet the night will come again


Between open and like there should be a comma.

I really liked this poem, and your writing will only get better and better.

Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia




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Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:19 pm
Nokri99 wrote a review...



Really, all it needs is a few commas. And. That's. It. So, pop a few in, and this is pretty much amazing!!
Though, the tenderness of a baby girl's eyes and an eye punched is sorta…. not fitting… If you change one of theses sentences, it would sorta flow better. That and the commas, you could make it a dark and dramatic, or dark and tender :P

Cheers!






thanks for the review I appreciate it



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Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:26 pm
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sophiamh wrote a review...



It's a great poem. I really like it. I don't know if you meant it to be a prose poem, but there is no punctuation. Also, the words should not be capitalized in the middle of sentences. Even if it's not supposed to be a prose poem, you don't have to capitalize every letter at the beginning of a line. Capitalization means something, and you have to think about where you do it. You also switched tenses; you were in past tense in the beginning and then you went to present. I felt like your poem was awesome, but the last line detracted from it's awesomeness. I fixed the things I mentioned here down below, but you don;t have to use my edits if you don't want to:

The night is black and blue like an eye being punched through and through, and the moon light up the night like one hundred birthday candles on a beautiful cake, and the stars shine like your baby girls eyes for the very first time, for there are no clouds in the sky; it's wide open like the ocean blue, but soon the sun will rise, yet night will come again.

Overall, I really liked your poem. I think you were right to have it as a prose poem. I don't thin line breaks would add very much to it. I look forward to more of your writing. :D




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Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:18 pm
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Em101cats wrote a review...



Nice job! This poem is meaningful, and I like the rhymes you have hidden in there.

The only thing you might want to fix is that it's all squished into one paragraph. Something you might want to think about is trying it like this:

The night was black and blue
Like an eye being punched through and through
And the moon lights up the night
Like one hundred birthday candles on a beautiful cake

And try it like that. Just trying to politely say, it looks a little squished, and without the punctuation stories have, poems seem rushed when they're like that. But other than that I loved it and think you did a GREAT job!!!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work.






thanks and I will change it because that makes it sound a whole lot better tytytytyytyty



sophiamh says...


I actually really like it as a prose poem, actually. Once you add punctuation, it sounds much better. I don't believe the line breaks really add anything to it. If anything, I think they detract.



Em101cats says...


You're welcome. Could you follow me if I follow you? I love your profile pic by the way, Awsomesauseness. And your user :D




Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus