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In a Love Hate Relationship, Where's the Line?

by AutoPilot


I am in love with every pain I feel. I am scared to death-or not close enough to it. Every minute is spent in a limbo between hating myself and wanting to end and knowing I can't because for every thing that I could drop in a second; there's my Love. Capital L. She is perfection incarnate and her every perceived "flaw" is a note in her melody and Jesus, who could find it in them to stop that? Her siren song of life and long sleepless nights spent in her arms, showing her her own value, are all that keep me tethered.

Every long drop I come to I stare down and slowly back away from because how could i stop the music? I dive into every deep pool and keep going until my lungs burn and I can barely make it to the surface because in smothering myself I would smother the moon. I stay up every night waiting for the moon to come out I wait with covetous eyes and with ears tuned to its almost silent harmony. What harmony? The perfect way it melds with my own fading stuttering disappearing song, consistently bringing the volume up only for it to plunge again.

And then I breathe. I breathe. But I can't. The pain in my chest comes and goes and every time it gets stronger worse scarier and in filling my lungs I press their walls to the pain and they deflate. And what if they inflate and I keep breathing only for the pain to puncture them, because you're supposed to breathe but maybe too much of a good thing applies here too. 

Asleep and awake run into each other until I can't find the end and my sleeping is wakeful and my waking is slowly becoming a conscious coma. And if I spend my life in a coma I'm never awake but I can't open my eyes for all the stitches keeping them closed. Did I put them there. Did I thread the needle, or did I only continue pushing the sliver of metal through my skin until I run out of fibers and start threading the needle with myself.


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10 Reviews


Points: 684
Reviews: 10

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Sun May 26, 2019 5:51 pm
Zenith wrote a review...



Hey AutoPilot! What's better than a review on the Review Day. So, here I go...
Starting with the flaws, I feel some of your sentences could be cut short. Since I myself make this mistake often, I know how easy it is to get carried away with words and forget to put the punctuation mark in the right place.

Each minute is spent in a limbo between hating myself and wanting to end and knowing I can't. For everything else I could drop in a second; but not my Love.

She is perfection incarnate and her every perceived "flaw" is a note in her melody. Jesus, who could find it in them to stop that?

Her siren song of life and long sleepless nights spent in her arms, making her more precious to me, are all that has kept me tethered.

Every drop in the melody makes me fear it's inevitable end.

I dive into the deep pools and keep going until my lungs burn, I can barely make it to the surface. Yet, I know, in smothering myself I would smother the moon.

I stay up every night waiting for the moon to come out. I wait with covetous eyes and with ears tuned to its almost silent harmony.

The perfect way it melts with my own fading stuttering disappearing song, consistently bringing the volume up, only for it to plunge again.

Asleep and awake blend into each other until I can't find the end and my sleeping is wakeful and my waking is slowly becoming a conscious coma.

I changed the above lines a bit and it feels easier to read this way. There are more sentences that needs to be shortened. There are punctuation errors too, but since you mentioned that it's intended I'm not going into that.
Now coming to the subject matter and language, I really like the use of imageries throughout your writing. It makes it easier to connect to. Overall, a good job. Do keep writing!




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 684
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun May 26, 2019 5:50 pm
Zenith says...






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39 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 39

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Thu May 16, 2019 9:32 pm
Corvus wrote a review...



this is an amazing work, I like all of the language you used.

your wording is incredible, but you are missing many commas. check your "I"s and make sure they are capitalized. A few words are written in a way that is not conventionally correct, for example, "everything" being written as "every thing"

this is an incredible piece, and every critique I give is from a place of caring and wanting to help you improve. please keep writing, you are great and can only get better.

well done

~Corvus





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