Young Writers Society

There’s something which is so.. so painfully beautiful about your poem. I guess it’s the way you structure everything. From the choice of words, down to the rhymes. I must admit that long poems often discourage me, they’re often not enough airy and too compact for me- but this one was great. It was gripping. From the first line. Gripping.
And wow.. the way that second stanza pulls on your heartstrings. * « I’m alive right now and Goddd, it’s great »/ but then I cried myself to sleep/ over a pile of sea-glass and dissipating sunset. * I think you get what I mean.
I can’t really describe what’s after that.. mainly because whenever I start analyzing, I just keep on reading down to the end. It’s just the way you write. It’s fantastic. There’s maybe not much vivid images in your head with the choice of words, or maybe for some people; but what I saw in this was mostly in duller colors. Because it really turns around ideas such as depression and sadness and nostalgia and things of that sort-
-I must point out something though. That last line.
*La Muerte* never really has an apparition in the poem. We get this poem might be around.. maybe.. love..? So la Muerte would be.. I dunno.. a lover? It would make sense, but then it might not be that. This little word *la* is what ticks me off. It’s french. But *Muerte* is not. So either Muerte is like a name for something or someone, or else it’s a word you misspelled in French. It adds to a mysterious aspect concerning your poem, but it’s also very deranging. Maybe I’m just overthinking, and that’s just a.. maybe a way of speaking or something. But whatever it is, I have no idea.
And also, there’s like some small Hope in that last line. Some confidence and nostalgia/gladness gained by the though of (again) this Muerte. And ignoring the fact I have no idea what La Muerte is, that last line still sums it all up nicely.

Hi there, @AutoPilot! I'm @Daughter, and I'm here to leave you a quick review!

This is truly beautiful. The first stanza was so overwhelmingly gripping; I absolutely loved it. Your use of imagery was also completely spot-on, as was your title in relation to the work. There is very little I can offer that may help you, much less anything that would make you question whether or not you should edit what you've done here. It's breathtaking, to say the least, and you've captured my heart. The vividness of your words is so refreshing, and it's exactly what I needed after a long, difficult day. I applaud the work that you've created and how it has touched me; with the combination of alienation along with music and presentation.

What I can note is that while you have made it difficult for me to find out what I can try to help with, I did notice a thing or two that I would like to gently nudge you torwards. Please note that it's never my intention to hurt; I simply want to do the best I can do to help you improve as a writer.
That being said, I would like you to consider the following; the formatting of your piece. It's just a bit chunky and it splits up stanzas in static, expected ways that don't provide a sense of surprise for me as a reader. It's so important to explore different paths of interest while you write, and I'd suggest that you stray from the sort of formatting you've displayed here. Once again, it's relatively basic, and I believe it would do your piece some good to move away from it and try either shortening or lengthening your stanzas and minimizing the breaks.

This would fix other problems, like that your poem does become a bit chunky because of it's suppressed state and it can be difficult to navigate. Overall, however, there honestly isn't much I can give to help you here. You've blown me away.
Thank you for sharing. I can't wait to see what you write next!

Daughter