"Baby girl, I know things are hard but....."
A letter once written
But the ending now twists
Originally followed by promises of undying love
It is now an emblem for lies
-
I wrote of protection
Of a life we would live together
Only for myself to them shoot it down
Creating complete destruction in fear
Crumbing both of our hearts to pieces
-
But where yours scattered on the ground
Mine were caught
Big open hands waited
Losing some
But receiving enough to rebuild what I had had
-
I was determined to build you up
To create an eternal us
But in a moment of pain and terror
I had undone everything I had made
And you, were the only casualty
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there!
This is quite a lovely poem. It's heartbreaking, and I love the title. I always think titles are very important, and yours is quite intriguing. I loved reading this! I'd like to point out a few things, if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to
The first thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. in poetry, punctuation is a stylistic choice, so you don't have to listen to what I'm saying at all, but I think your poem could use punctuation. You use commas, so I think it wouldn't be that big of a change if you use periods as well. Your first stanza to me mainly needs periods. It was a bit confusing the first time I read it. Also,
I'm curious about your choice to use a comma after "you" It disrupted the flow a bit for me. Was that your intention?
I believe you meant "then" instead of "them"
This is a bit confusing for me. You used a plural verb, so I'm assuming the "Mine were caught" is referring to the pieces of your heart? This did seem bit unclear though; I thought you were talking about your heart, so maybe you could clarify that it's the pieces, so no one thinks you have a grammar mistake.
I also think you could incorporate more imagery and figurative language. Right now your poem is pretty straightforward, which isn't bad at all, but I think it could be elevated with imagery and figurative language to paint a vivid picture for the reader.
Overall, this is a lovely poem, and I hope my review helped!
First of all, it's a really beautiful poem that expresses such an heartbraking scenario. I really quite enjoy reading this poem even though it's a romantic, which is means I've reached my weakest point of review. I like the way you write in simple words to explains such complicated things. 'Cause even if it is complicated if you write it the way it is, it's hard to understand the author's feelings or the most important thing the poet wants you to know. This poem is beautiful and crestfallen in both ways, it's a masterpiece.
Second of all, I suggest you use commas and periods. Some parts could be written better with the commas and periods taking charge of the flow and rhythm of this poem.
Such as this part:
Originally followed by promises of undying love(,)
It is now an emblem for lies(.)
Lastly, I suggest you describe more of the "moment" you've undone everything, than just "pain" and "terror". Another thing, you used "rebuild" and "build", but I suggest you use other words to describe than using the similar words even though it holds an opposite meaning.
'I was determined to build you up
To create an eternal us
But in a moment of pain and terror
I had undone everything I had made
And you, were the only casualty'
Overall, it is an impressive piece you've written here. It really was a wonderful read. I appreciate it.
Keep on writing!
Your reviewer, Chris
Best wishes for future writings!
Hi, Pilot, I'm here to give you a quick review. The title caught my attention and I thought I'd check it out
The first stanza has an interesting start, rather bitter-sweet. I have no critiques so I'm moving on.
The second stanza is void. The first one is passionate and vivid in that sense, while the second feels misplaced in a sense, and doesn't flow super well.
The third is back to your original style, and it fits well with the last!
I think the words themselves are very eloquent and while I liked this poem, it feels a bit unpolished, though still good. My top suggestion would be to work on the prose itself, making the words really hit and connect with the reader
Keep writing!
Jade