((lol yeah, I couldn't think of a better title, any suggestions?^^))
'Corey,' The soft voice sang, 'Corey.' It wasn't going to lull me out. I hid beneath my blanket, shuddering ever so slightly as it spoke. Whispers of beauty, of promises, of hope...
'Corey, come out,' It cries lightly.
"Never!" I yell. Silence is thrown on me.
'Corey, Corey,' It whispers again.
"No," I choke, "leave me alone."
'Corey,' The voice is so soft, almost inaudible-- I have to strain to hear it.
"Go away."
'Corey,'
"Shut up! Leave me alone,"
'Corey,' It says sadly.
"What do you want from me?"
'You have to come out, Corey.'
"Why do I have to?"
'Corey,' It's voice is like a breeze, slowly wrapping around my ears, 'Corey...,'
"Go away!" Cold sweat is dripping off me now.
'Corey,'
"Shut up!" There's an eerie silence.
'Please...Corey, please--come out,'
"Leave me alone, I don't need to do anything,"
'Yes, Corey, you need to tell her--,'
"No! Never,"
'You need to Corey...you need to tell her,'
"I-I can't," A sob bursts from my throat, and I'm coughing and gasping for breath. Hot tears streak down my face, and suddenly the voice is louder, more urgent.
'Corey,' It calls, 'tell her Corey, tell her!' A thought comes to my head.
"You don't...,"
'Corey,' it sings again, softly.
"You don't...,"
'Tell her Co--,'
"You don't exist!" I cry, tearing off my blanket. The room is empty.
'I do, Corey...listen to me,'
"No, no you don't. You're...you're...you're a ghost! Ghost's don't exist,"
'I'm not a ghost, Corey...Corey...I'm you, Corey...I'm--,'
"No, no you're not! You're not anything, go away, you're not here. You don't exist,"
'Corey, you need to tell he--,' I block my ears and the voice subsides. It doesn't exist. It doesn't. I wasn't going to tell her. Not ever. It wasn't my fault! My thoughts are broken by a scream. My mother's scream. But I already know. I know. Daddy is dead.
'Corey,'
And it was all my fault.
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
Hello!
Article on dialogue punctuation by Demeter can be found here: topic44898.html. Since you have so much dialogue, you absolutely have to get it right!!
This dialogue, somebody above said it's a bit repeatable, and I have to agree. My suggestion would be to simply cut some of it, clear the air a bit. It'll still get the point across, it'll still characterize (second most important to the mentioned first).
Around dialogue, build! Add words that aren't neccessarily spoken by any character. At the end we get a big revelation: "It's all my fault". Fantastic! See, this is the culumination point. The part toward which writing just - builds up, where the tension goes up up up. It's a conlusion of sorts, let's call it. Dialogue does this fine, but I want more, you know?
Focus on Corey. How he behaves, how he reacts - how his body reacts? Shaking hands, wild eyes and whatnot. What else can you think of? His mind? Poke, prod, show it to the reader on a stick. Terrible conditions, the guy has a ghost in his bedroom and a lot (we find ou) on his conscience! Show us this!
Focus on mood, too, so that tension, suspence just piles up. These two are teh most important in the story, I think - everything heads toward that revelation at the end. Make it a journey full of wonder, aye? So that the reader will be biting her lip. To blood!
Mood - so, Corey himself (not only speech, but more elements), but also his bedroom? It's dark? Scary! Create scary! What sums up to a scary setting? Ghost was fantastic (breeze wrapping around ears).
Lovely,
Esme
Sorry, but I was a bit bored. It was nearly a whole page of “Corey. Go Away! Corey. Shut Up! Corey. I’m not talking to you! Corey. Go Away! Corey. Shut Up!” Although you did switch it up, it was still too repetitive. If you would’ve cut out half of those ‘Corey’s’, I would’ve liked it. After the first couple, I kinda got the point and there was really no need to add in any more “Corey’s”.
I would still love to see more of you, so keep writing
"Corey, Corey!" I liked this piece! You used an interesting way to write your story though I'm confused about who the Thing is. Is it her conciens? Oh well. I guess that was your idea....I love youe descriptions! I can really hear the voice.
As always
Sionarama
Hey, KD here to review!
Since there was a moment of silence, I would say 'It finally whispers again'. That is what you mean, isn't it?Here's the only nitpick I could find:
Good job, I liked this! Perfect break off/ending to the chapter. I could easily picture the ghost's voice in my head with your descriptions.
Hope I helped.
Keep on writing-
KD
This I quite like. Although yes, it is mostly dialogue, but very intriguing. It drew me in without needing any action. It was completely eerie, but yet to me it felt like it was a loving ghost? Scary enough I had a strange dream like this once...
I really like this, but there isn't much to review, as this piece contains mainly speech. So ill just do one of my signature 'unhelpful' reviews where i tell you what works me ME and nothing about what you can imporve on. Here we go.
I liked the way you portrayed the ghost, it seemed eerie yet loving and compassionate, like a mother. I dont get the story though, what does Corey have to tell this mysterious 'Her'. I also liked your style, as always, you astound me with your awesomism.
Always waiting to read your next piece,
Biffle.