Hello!
Article on dialogue punctuation by Demeter can be found here: topic44898.html. Since you have so much dialogue, you absolutely have to get it right!!
This dialogue, somebody above said it's a bit repeatable, and I have to agree. My suggestion would be to simply cut some of it, clear the air a bit. It'll still get the point across, it'll still characterize (second most important to the mentioned first).
Around dialogue, build! Add words that aren't neccessarily spoken by any character. At the end we get a big revelation: "It's all my fault". Fantastic! See, this is the culumination point. The part toward which writing just - builds up, where the tension goes up up up. It's a conlusion of sorts, let's call it. Dialogue does this fine, but I want more, you know?
Focus on Corey. How he behaves, how he reacts - how his body reacts? Shaking hands, wild eyes and whatnot. What else can you think of? His mind? Poke, prod, show it to the reader on a stick. Terrible conditions, the guy has a ghost in his bedroom and a lot (we find ou) on his conscience! Show us this!
Focus on mood, too, so that tension, suspence just piles up. These two are teh most important in the story, I think - everything heads toward that revelation at the end. Make it a journey full of wonder, aye? So that the reader will be biting her lip. To blood!
Mood - so, Corey himself (not only speech, but more elements), but also his bedroom? It's dark? Scary! Create scary! What sums up to a scary setting? Ghost was fantastic (breeze wrapping around ears).
Lovely,
Esme
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
Donate