Young Writers Society

Ilove you Auteur. This is emmaculate and i loved the fact you were inspired to write that. I love your cat now he/she inspired this story(along with Mr. Butterfly). Very great!!!

-olli

This was really interesting to read. I liked the pace you kept. It was quick and to the point, with enough mystery to hook me. Some suggestions:

So alone am I as I probe the thoughts deeper into my subconscious.

enchanting piece and what a way to end. Or perhaps more will follow? The fact the idea of this piece comes from the cat and the butterfly adds alot of character and this story seems to beat with a pulse of its own. I urge you to leave it as is complete with the reader smiling yet wondering...

The best thing about your story is its uniqueness. I haven't read anything quite like this. Also the voice, or, Melany speaking to 'it' (whatever it was) was great, very intriguing.

I think you captured the emotions really well, primarily wonder at the deed that just occurred.
The imagery was also fantastical.

This is a beautiful story and i loved it.
I find it great that you found inspiration from a little butterfly and it shows that you can find inspiration everywhere.

But there are just two things.
1."The shattered gates of my ego COMPEL me". shouldnt that be the shattered gates of my ego COMPELLED me.
2.Here it is, finally. My light. Shouldnt it be,Here it is finally...my light.

Anyway i think your story is great and would love to read more.

Good luck!

Don't count on these being right, but somethings don't sound right to me.

Here it is, finally. My light. And from it comes beautiful amber-winged butterflies, that hold blue orbs on their wings.

"Come back Melany" A voice calls.

On their goulish bodies are scars of agony; and the sight of them sets my heart fluttering.

Evil natterings fill my ears. Words I can't predict.

Then a soft voice speaks. The voice of an angel.

I think this is awesome!!!! You really had me hooked!!! I couldn't look away!!! I really hope I get to read more!!!! This was truly amazing!!! The lovable Patrick the confused Melanie it was all so great!!!! It totally rocked!!! It is kindda sad though... I almost cried!!! But yes truly amazing great job!!!

...Wow. That was really good. I love how you got the idea for the story (Yes, I read the intro). When I first started reading I thought, "Am I seeing inside the mind of someone insane?" Y'know, like Simon from The Lord of the Flies. But when you said she heard Patrick's voice, I understood. I'm gald you put that bit in there, becaus if you didn't, I would've missed the point of the story. I also loved the ending. You made it seem like life is not a miracle, but then we (the readers) remember the beasts and realize that death is so much more frightening. Unless you're Albus Dumbledore.
So long!

This is the first of your three I read, but I had to let this one sink in a bit before commenting. I believe its been stewing in my crazy mind for long enough, so here I go!

The dull beating of my heart is the only hand swinging from the darkness to keep me sane.

So alone am I as I probe mythe thoughts deeper into themy subconsciousof my mind. Broken, rusted gates #FF0000 ">(1)try to bind me out but through them I plow, unstoppable, like a god. Then I can see it, and joy bursts through me like a busted dam. Here it is, finally. My light. And from it comes beautiful amber-winged butterflies, #FF0000 ">(2)that hold blue orbs on their wings. But just as soon as I draw near, #FF0000 ">(3)it is gone. #FF0000 ">(4)And the joy turns to waves of rage inside ofme.
*"Come back Melany" A voice calls.
*Dark beings from the shadows crawl towards me, eyes bloody and mouths thick with froth. On their goulish bodies are scars of agony;.and tThe sight of them sets my heart fluttering. Evil natterings fill my ears. Words I can't predict.
*"Melany, you're leaving me, don't leave" The voice cried.

1. In need of serious rewording.
2. Also consider rewording this little tidbit here. There are many alternatives to the words you used here
3. When writers purposely omit contractions from their writings--at least this applies to me--it gives their writings a stale "formal" flavor, that is reserved for the snooty professor character, or the snobbish rich boy character, but never the author his or her self. That's just a personal preference, however, so feel free to ignore it!
4. Be careful how you start your sentences. Try to avoid starting your sentences with naughty initializers, such as "And, But, Or, Because, etc." Industry standard

My voice echoes off invisableinvisible wallsand. I wonder who will hear me.

No you don't. Mel, this person need's you. Go back to them, just a few steps. Just turn around. I'm here with you,#FF0000 ">(either a semicolon or a period + capitalization) we're together. Let's go back together. You'll never be alone then#FF0000 ">(again?).

I'm coming back, Patrick! I decide suddenly. My body is filled with warmth. Are you with me? I ask nervously.

Then I am exploding. Fits of light hit me and sirens are off all around.
"Melany, my Melany, you came back!" The voice screamed. I looked up into the eyes of Patrick. I am cradled in his arms and take in silently the scene around me. There's a smashed car and ambulances every where. I watch some police men that are backing up hungry reporters. Then I see the truck and feel my insides churn. "Shh, you're okay. You're saved" Patrick whispers, pulling my shaking body in closer.

I close my eyes, hoping to hear the sound of Heaven;, Bbut instead I am met with the dull beating of my heart.

I really liked this one. I cant think of anything that you can work on. But I'm also just a beginner, so, good luck with the next chapters.

I liked it. It had a feel that... I simply can't describe. But I like it. So that's good, right.

"Mel, please, Mel... don't leave" I hear sobs from above me. Patrick. In a fleeting moment I am brought back to the night we kissed. Under the beautiful stars with the moon shining on his golden hair, turning it into a sea of silver curls.

eyes bloody and mouths frothing

unstoppable like a God.

I really really love the last two lines. They're so thoughtful.
I love the way this is written. - Clever idea.

You said I would be fine.
You are. Don't you understand, Melany?
No, I don't.
You are alive.

First off, good job. I like this piece and the inner depths that it probes. I think you could deepen some of the meanings, such as what the beasts repressent (maybe pain?) and why she ends up chosing to remain rather than go to heaven which you make look so attractive at first. Also the voices are a bit confusing, for at first they seem to call her to heaven, but then they call her to go to Patrick who is actually still alive. Anyway, obviously I'm not understanding it quite right, but that means that you could stand to make it a bit clearer, not to lose the dream-like feel of it, of course, but just to make sure and not confuse the reader.

Also I did notice one quick grammar mistake here:

The music of the Heaven's

I like it.
Although it took me a while to compute-- choice between eternal life or smelly old earth life equals car crash and Melanie gets out unscathed. But I'm a little slow when it comes to comprehension. But I like it.. especially the last two lines.
I close my eyes, hoping to hear the sound of heaven;
but instead I am meeted with the dull beating of my heart.
And because I love that line so much, i think there should be a semicolon instead of a period and meeted should be replaced with another word-- maybe met-oh! That's why it sounds wrong to me. Ok, turn meeted to met.
I like the way the story is broken into short thoughts mixed with shorter pieces of dialogue. It gives it a more lyrical feel.
I think you captured the emotions really well, primarily wonder at the deed that just occurred.
The imagery was also fantastical.

And you're lucky it was your cat who attacked your butterfly; my dog can swallow and butterfly whole. The same with beetles, dragonflies and probably small birds... but birds are too fast for her, thank god.