Hey Auteur.
For me, the first thing you need to do is chop this paragraph up into smaller paragraphs. Right now it's like being served a twelve pound chunk of beef-- no matter how good it might be, it needs to be broken up into bite sized pieces first.
Another small note-- avoid using words like "then" and "suddenly". They're transition words to get from one thought/event to another, but they're also kind of like cheating. If you want to say that something happened suddenly, then describe the way the noise comes out of nowhere or the shadows leap up and terrify the daylights of of your character.
He turned his head, then stood as I approached blindly
Why would she go towards the scary stranger? She's home alone, and she's scared, and common sense would tell a seven-year-old to run away and lock herself in her bedroom. Unless she's brainwashed or being mind-controlled or something. If that's the case, explain that.
Finally, Snoink is right that the climax isn't really drawn out enough! None of it is. We never figure out what the heck these shadow figures are, or what the man was doing in her house, or why the streetlights went out, or anything. Your writing itself is solid, but there's not much substance to this plot. She's really scared of the shadow killers. Okay...what else? Who are they? What do they want? Why her?
You don't have to explain everything, but you do have to have some sort of resolution and explanation, because otherwise we leave the story without ever understanding what it was about. And then we don't get anything special from the story-- and you, as a writer, always want your readers to get something out of your writing!
Keep writing, and PM me for anything.
~Evi
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