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Young Writers Society



Mother Moon

by Auteur


There they were again. Lean and dark across my wall. I watched them with crazy fear. Each had their hands stretched out, testing. The silence almost seemed to be snickering. They can get you, it laughed. It had been telling me that since I was seven. For eleven years I had been running from them. The invisible killers.

It had all started one day when I was alone at home. My mother and father had gone out for a special dinner, and I had turned on the television, tuning it to my favorite program, then nestling into the couch. The light outside flickered on the street, then blinked, and darkness flooded in through the open curtains. Nervously, I went to shut the curtains. I was young, and terrified of the dark. I had been sitting inside the room, with just the light from the television, and the streetlamp posted outside the window, but now that was gone, and as I turned, I got a terrible shock. A figure sat on the couch, stretched from the screen to the cushions. He was long, tall and dark. And he wanted me. He turned his head, then stood as I approached blindly. A flickering finger appeared on the wall, and it would twitch ever so, as the television buzzed. The television shut off suddenly, black crawling into my eyes.

I shook, bringing myself back to the present danger. I turned head and ran out the door. It was dark in the hallway, and I wasn't sure where to go. My bedroom. Yes, the shadow couldn't find me there. I ran inside and shut the door, breathing loudly. "The shadows can't get me, the shadows can't get me," I murmured, squeezing my eyes shut fiercely. But I could feel them. Creeping closer. Cornering me. Out the door again. Running. The shadows had met me in the bedroom, the lounge, the kitchen, the bathroom, even. They wouldn't stop until they'd eaten away everything sane inside of me. They wouldn't stop. Outside, my body cried, lunging towards the front door. I threw it open and stumbled down the porch steps, falling face first into the cold mud.

Spluttering, I snapped my head up, sucking furiously the air into my frightened lungs. Sudden realization came to me. The shadows. They were everywhere; climbing off the trees, racing towards me from the road. Even the grass seemed to have looming shadows hiding behind them. The shadows where everywhere. This was it. I had to give up. Feeling a cold chill swimming into my skin, I rolled over and stared up at the night sky. Then I noticed. Mother Moon had taken pity on me, for the sky had no shadows. Nothing, but twinkling, bright lights.


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537 Reviews


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Mon Apr 05, 2010 8:44 pm
Evi wrote a review...



Hey Auteur.

For me, the first thing you need to do is chop this paragraph up into smaller paragraphs. Right now it's like being served a twelve pound chunk of beef-- no matter how good it might be, it needs to be broken up into bite sized pieces first.

Another small note-- avoid using words like "then" and "suddenly". They're transition words to get from one thought/event to another, but they're also kind of like cheating. If you want to say that something happened suddenly, then describe the way the noise comes out of nowhere or the shadows leap up and terrify the daylights of of your character.

He turned his head, then stood as I approached blindly


Why would she go towards the scary stranger? She's home alone, and she's scared, and common sense would tell a seven-year-old to run away and lock herself in her bedroom. Unless she's brainwashed or being mind-controlled or something. If that's the case, explain that.

Finally, Snoink is right that the climax isn't really drawn out enough! None of it is. We never figure out what the heck these shadow figures are, or what the man was doing in her house, or why the streetlights went out, or anything. Your writing itself is solid, but there's not much substance to this plot. She's really scared of the shadow killers. Okay...what else? Who are they? What do they want? Why her?

You don't have to explain everything, but you do have to have some sort of resolution and explanation, because otherwise we leave the story without ever understanding what it was about. And then we don't get anything special from the story-- and you, as a writer, always want your readers to get something out of your writing!

Keep writing, and PM me for anything.

~Evi




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Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:41 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hey Auteur!

It looks like you have a crazy dream here, and because of that, I kind of adore this piece. It's really unique and surreal and awesome, in general. So yay! :D

Now, one nitpick!

Sudden realization came to me. The shadows. They were everywhere; climbing off the trees, racing towards me from the road. Even the grass seemed to have looming shadows hiding behind them. The shadows where everywhere.


This is your climax!

This was it. I had to give up. Feeling a cold chill swimming up my spine, I rolled over and stared up at the night sky. Then I noticed. Mother Moon had taken pity on me, for the sky had no shadows. Nothing, but twinkling, shining stars.


This is your conclusion!

Now, you'll notice it's really short. When people read this, it'll seem shorter still since at the climax and conclusion part, they tend to read faster. Don't ask... it's a bit weird! But that's why when you write novels you always make the first chapter shorter than the last chapter and the climatic chapters doubly long... if it's consistent, it'll seem too short for the readers!

Anyway, you're going to need to draw this out... make it ridiculously drawn out, in fact. See how far you can go! It seems way too short at the moment though. :)

You're really really close to having something brilliant! :D





Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh