Chapter 1
GONE
Her feet hit the floor hard as she ran.
“Pass it here!” Aurora yelled and the ball flew to her. She caught it then spun around and flung the ball as hard as she could at the opponents, it hit the boy hard in the stomach and he fell to the ground whimpering a little.
“Ya Aurora!” Yelled Jayden as he gave her a high five. She smiled brightly,
“We won! In your face James!” She laughed and helped the boy she’d just hit off of the floor. Patting him on the back,
“Good try.” She teased, walking back to her team. All of a sudden a boy with blonde hair ran past her knocking her over, she cried out as she landed on her foot, twisting it. The blonde boy turned his head towards her his dark green eyes full of fear, like a cry for help. Aurora sat there stunned for a moment before Jayden ran over to her.
“Are you okay?!” He asked helping her up. She nodded and winced as she tried to walk it off, the sports teacher ran over to her,
“Are you okay Aurora?! What on earth was that boy doing?! I’ve never even seen him before!” He looked a little mad, “Jayden take her to the nurse.” He commanded.
“Oh no sir it’s fine, really. Can’t we play another round?”Aurora begged, her teacher sighed and walked away. Jayden laughed.
“Come on let's go, lean on me.”
"No thanks, I’m fine." Aurora said, freeing herself from his grasp. She tried to walk a little, wincing with every step. Jayden stared at her with an amused expression. Aurora glared at him then grabbed his shoulder to lean on as they walked to the nurse. Then there was a big flash of light, and they were gone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! A late welcome to YWS too!! Hope you have a good time on this wonderful site! :D
First Impression: This was a lovely little first chapter, its got most of what you want from one of those...and it was a pretty enjoyable read too here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...looks to be a bit of a game of dodgeball here to get this chapter started, it is an interesting choice, its not the most attention grabby of starts but it isn't exactly boring either so this is a nice little mix here...and I'm wondering where things could be headed from a start like this.
Well, that looks like some general fun, at any rate, its showing that our character here are just having a bit of a good time here, and the whole "in your face" appears to just be the competitiveness talking rather anything malicious. So we've got ourselves a relatively relaxed background being established here with these characters.
Well, that's most certainly not normal there...that certainly takes one by surprise right there, very mysterious aaaand very much out the blue as well. For a first chapter that actually does work quite well there and it certainly gets us readers very interested in what might be going on.
Aaand things are immediately normal again. It looks like a pretty standard response from the this person's friend, and the teacher in charge there. It does also look like besides the slight shock of the situation Aurora doesn't appear to be too affected although it does seem like she's suffered a decent injury if she's unable to walk properly there.
Well, another fun little interaction, there's a really nice sense of friendship built up from the dialogue between these and little things like these are awesome to see in a first chapter.
Well, talk about a cliffhanger...this was an awesome choice of ending there...I know I'll be checking back to see what happens next here. I love how it gives the feeling that things are settling down despite the weird moment in the middle and then its just ends with the main character going "POOF"
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid start I'd say. It sounds like a pretty interesting premise, it is hard to glean much from this prologue and the one word title but I have a feeling we've got some interesting things headed our way, and it seems like a story I'd continue to read here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you so much for the kind review and helpful advice!
You're Welcome!!
Okay, I've made some changes. Hopefully it's better!
Hey Aurora49!
RandomTalks here with a review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! Hope you have an amazing time here.
Now, this was a really interesting story you have built. It is definitely engaging and you have left us with a lot of questions, the main one being - Where did Aurora vanish to? And who was the boy who crashed into her during the game? Of course, there are several more points I would like to know more about, but I think it's great that you have created so many questions in our minds. It keeps the readers guessing and coming back for more, and it works as a wonderful hook.
On the other hand, I felt like the story was more on the fast side. We don't get to know much about the character, except that she loves playing and does not really mind getting hurt on the field. However, other than that, we don't really get to know her or any of the other characters you have introduced. First chapters are kind of supposed to set the base of the story and give us an idea about the people and their lives. Your story does have interesting twists and cliffhangers, but it won't matter unless you make the readers connect to the characters first. I would suggest pulling back the mystery a bit, and taking a pause to introduce us to the scene and the characters on a deeper level. However, given the ending to this first chapter, the second one needs to have some sort of answers. Maybe after that, you could explore all these other points?
One thing I noticed was that you end many of your sentences with a comma.
I noticed that every time there is a dialogue, you end the previous sentence with a comma. There is actually no need for that, you should just end that with a full stop. Otherwise the sentence kind of runs on and it doesn't make much sense. For example, when Jaden runs over to her, we know that he is the one who is speaking because you mention it. So there is no need to put a comma after 'her'.
Also, you don't always end your sentences, and as a result they end up too long.
You should put a full stop after 'opponents' and break it up into two sentences from that point.
That's all. I hope I helped somewhat with this review.
This was a good start to a story, and I am interested to see where you take this. Keep writing and have a great day!
Thank you very much! I'm planing to introduce the characters more in the next few chapters. I didn't even notice some of that stuff so thank you so much for the tips!
Heyyy! Forever here for a review!
This was a wonderful start to a novel. I am quite interested to know what comes next. That was a nice little cliffhanger there. Though this might sound a little stupid question, but what the game actually is? I mean there are several games of ball passing, what game exactly is it? I am not a very sporty person. 😅
There were some grammatical mistakes like:
There should be a full stop between 'to her' and 'she spun'
Also, there should be some clarification in the paragraph. You said that it hit 'him' hard. Now who is this he? From the line that follows, maybe this 'he' can be Jayden. That doesn't seem to fit well because Jayden seems to be in Aurora's group. Or... Is this 'he' is James? He seems to be in the opponent group. It's better to mention his name rather than just saying him. It creates a lot of confusion.
There seems to be some kind of transport system, I mean not-normal transport system. First of all, that boy appeared out of nowhere and then Aurora vanished into nowhere. Now, this is obviously fictional but what I am curious about is the powers. Is Aurora concerned of her power or that was an accident or rather a completely new incident? Or maybe the World is completely fictional.... It's known to all and it's a normal transport system there.
Maybe I will get the answers to all these questions in the next chapter. This was a nice little start. Also, there is not much description about the characters and the place where it is taking place. Add these things to the second chapter for sure and if you wannna add here, that is also good.
Please tag me when you post the next chapter.
Keep writing!
~Forever
Ya, the game is doge ball, which re-reading this I can definitely see how there would be confusion. I am planning on writing more, so yes some of your questions will be answered in the following chapters. I made a couple of changes and will make sure to edit next time%uD83D%uDE05 Thank you!
Oh I see. Pls tag me when you post the next chapter or I will surely forget to read it. I am reading a lot of things at the same time actually.
okay, will do! Thank you!