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Flames-Chapter 3: Escape

by Aurora49


Chapter 3

ESCAPE

The room was dark, cold, and had a musty smell. The only light was coming from a lantern hanging from one of the four brick walls. Aurora had no idea what had happened to her. One moment she was heading to the nurses' office, the next she was sitting on a wooden chair her hands and feet bound with rope. To the side of her was a small table that had her belongings, her school bag, phone, bus card. They were just out of reach, taunting her, if she wasn’t tied up she could have reached over and grabbed her phone and called for help if there was any reception. She didn’t even know where she was. She closed her eyes and hoped that Jayden was okay, he had been with her when she got kidnapped (if that’s what had happened) and she hoped he wasn’t worrying too much. She didn’t have to wait long before two men burst through the door, one was short the other was tall and muscular. The tall one was wearing sunglasses, he walked up to her and leaned forward.

“You're going to be a good little girl and tell us when you saw him, okay?” He breathed, his breath smelt foul.

“W…what are you talking about?” Aurora stammered, “Who? What? I think you got the wrong girl.” She concluded.

“Don’t play dumb, it won't end well for you.” He leant back and started pacing back and forwards in a calm patient manner. He was an interesting man, first of all, who wore sunglasses inside? Secondly, he spoke with no emotion at all and he made no facial expressions either.

“Now. We know you must have seen him or you wouldn’t be here…” Aurora just stared at him dumbfound.

“Okay listen here, I don’t know who you are and I don’t remember seeing anyone that looked of any importance so if you don’t mind take me home!”

The tall man raised an eyebrow, the most expression he’d shown in this short (and failed) interrogation.

“Feisty. Isn’t she?” He said looking over his shoulder at the shorter man who gave a nod of agreement.

“Fine then, we’ll bring in the boy. She must have been in contact or at least seen him.” They walked out of the room, leaving her alone in the dark.

She had to escape.

Aurora took a deep breath. She knew this would hurt, but she also knew it probably wouldn’t work. This is only happening in movies. She stood up, bringing the chair with me as much as she could. She did a sort of jump and sat back down as hard as she could. The chair smash and Aurora fell hard onto the concrete floor. She groaned and got up. It actually worked! When she finally untied herself with her house keys there were red marks on her ankles and wrists. She decided to grab all her stuff and put it in her backpack which she slung over her shoulder. She checked her phone to see if there was any signal, there was one bar. Hopefully, that would be enough for a small text. She found Summer’s name and wrote the first thing she thought of find me. Then Summer replied, haha not funny, so Aurora wrote, They found us. Get help. Trust no one. Then she went over to the door, it was unlocked. That’s very strange Aurora thought, if I were kidnapping someone I would lock the door. She opened the door and peered out. To her right there was a long hall with other rooms, to her left was a wall. She had one way to go. She checked for cameras, there were none. This is way too easy, she thought as she walked swiftly past a door like hers with a small window so you could see into the room, she did a double-take and took a few steps back, Jayden?! She peered through the window to check, yup, defiantly Jayden. What on earth is he doing? He had his head turned away from her, he looked as though he was trying to bite the ropes off his hands! Aurora slapped her forehead and sighed. She opened the door quietly, his head whipped around and his mouth dropped to the floor. Aurora put a finger to her lips, walked carefully and as quietly as she could across the room and began uniting him. He stood, mouthing thank you and gave her a quick hug.

“What the heck is going on?!” He whispered as Aurora poked her head around the corner checking to make sure no one was there, all clear.

“I don’t know, but did those men ask you about a guy?”

“Ya! they were all like, you saw him I know you did otherwise you wouldn’t be here! Don’t try and lie to me! We know you saw him! But I don’t remember seeing anyone important.” Jayden said putting on a weird voice and mocking the men that ‘interrogated’ them.

“Hmm they said almost the same things to me…maybe, no never mind.” she frowned.

“Right okay then, well we need to get out of here.”Aurora just kept frowning and Jayden could tell that she was thinking hard. She shook her head

“Ya we do, come one let's go.”

“This is the strangest thing, where are we?!” Jayden questioned.

“Ya, one moment I’m limping over to the nurses' office and the next I’m tied to that stupid chair!” Jayden laughed but Aurora stared at him confused, clearly, she didn’t think it was funny.

“Well at least I actually got untied, I’m not the one who was sitting there trying to bite my way out of the ropes.”She laughed. He glared at her playfully and they walked down the hallway carefully checking each room to make sure no one would see them. They found a few doors, all locked with no one in them. They got to a door with the number 3 written on the front. Jayden peered inside and quickly ducked down his eyes wide.

“The guys! They’re in there! With someone else I can’t see.” He hissed.

“What?! Okay, crawl forward.” Aurora commanded. They crawled a few paces so that the men wouldn’t see their heads when they got up. They ran until they came to a right turn and Aurora peered around it. There was a red door and it looked like an exit. Unfortunately, it was guarded. There was a bin next to a vending machine, both of which looked very out of place.

“Wait here Jayden.” Aurora demanded and started walking towards the guards when there was a crash from behind her. She turned around to see Jayden on the floor a look of guilt on his face, a knocked over bin next to him, paper and bits of rubbish spilling out of it. The guards turned around to see what had happened but Aurora stepped in front of them.

“Excuse me but I seem to be lost, you see I…I was just trying to…to.” Aurora bottom lip wavered and she hoped that she looked like a lost little girl. The guards stared at her confused, they turned to each other and that’s when Aurora made her move. She kicked the first guard in the face, the other guard lunged at her but she dodged him and Jayden got up, ran and punched him in the stomach winding him. He staggered and fell to the ground.

“We make a pretty good team.” Aurora commented. Jayden smiled and they turned and ran out of the building.


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Sun Sep 19, 2021 8:49 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a short review!!

I just wanted to tell that somehow the related items got disarranged. Please arrange them in a proper order.

Aurora put a finger to her lips, walked carefully and as quietly as she could across the room and began uniting him.

Uniting will be untying
“Ya! they were all like, you saw him I know you did otherwise you wouldn’t be here! Don’t try and lie to me! We know you saw him! But I don’t remember seeing anyone important.” Jayden said putting on a weird voice and mocking the men that ‘interrogated’ them.

Write it as
“Ya! they all were like, 'you saw him, I know you did otherwise you wouldn’t be here! Don’t try and lie to me! We know you saw him!' But I don’t remember seeing anyone important.” Jayden said putting on a weird voice and mocking the men that ‘interrogated’ them.

Also, I wonder how come both of them literally said the very same things. Now, I do think that characters shoulf be distinct and have their own voice. When you made Jayden say that no one seemed important, it actually makes the readers think that both of them knows telepathy or at least Jayden knows it and he can know what Aurora thinks.

There were some good character development here in this chapter. As far as I can see, Jayden and Aurora have some common traits between them. Both of them are humorous and can actually form a good team when it comes to fighting. I just wonder if the guards were trained. From their capacity of fighting, they doesn't seem to be trained at all. Otherwise, two untrained children couldn't defeat them.

I wonder about who these kidnappers actually are. One thing I can say is the fact that they are very stupid. They can only do one thing like transportation from one place to other. They have the ability to disapparate(I don't know, this can be a wrong word to use here) and I assume they consider it a great achievement on their part. They seem to be a bit cruel too...if we take into account whatever fake Aurora and Jayden said in the previous chapter. Precisely, they are magical people with some magical abilities. I wonder about who they are actually asking about and if I am not wrong, Aurora does have some ideas about it. Her thoughts made me think that like she messaged "they got us". This actually means that she knows these "they".

I am not very sure of it but well, I am a bit confused about the timeline of the events, you know. Both the previous chapter and this one took place at the same time, I assume. I am not very sure of what to do but to clear up the timeline maybe you could do something like stop at that message and then go to Summer, the POV thing, I mean. That would just help a bit in maintaining a uniform timeline.

The escape was way too easy and I am afraid nothing good is gonna happen now after they have escaped if they have actually done that because they have ran out of the building and the guards will report their heads for sure. They are not out of their bounds now.

Overall, I can see the improvement throughout the chapters. You have done a great job providing the descriptions, they have improved a lot.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Sat Sep 18, 2021 5:55 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review! I haven't read the other chapters so I'll just go off what I read here:

Okay I'm a few paragraphs in and I've noticed that you tend to over explain. There's a few points that are not needed.

'They were just out of reach, taunting her, if she wasn’t tied up she could have reached over and grabbed her phone and called for help if there was any reception.' - this could be cut into something a lot shorter and concise.

'...tell us when you saw him, okay?” He breathed, his breath smelt foul.' - no need for 'he breathed.' His foul breath is the description we need.

“W…what are you talking about?” Aurora stammered, “Who? What? I think you got the wrong girl.” She concluded.' - it's clear she's struggling for words so saying she stammered isn't needed, and also the 'she concluded' tag is irrelevant. It would be better to know how she is feeling at this point. I'm guessing terrified?

“Now. We know you must have seen him or you wouldn’t be here…” Aurora just stared at him dumbfound. - this tag makes it seem Aurora is the speaker.

'She stood up, bringing the chair with me' - 'her' not me.

'“Ya! they were all like, you saw him I know you did otherwise you wouldn’t be here! Don’t try and lie to me! We know you saw him! But I don’t remember seeing anyone important.” Jayden said putting on a weird voice and mocking the men that ‘interrogated’ them.' - seems odd that Jayden had the exact same thought pattern as Aurora. I don't know if that is part of his character, but if not, maybe give this part a Jayden-twist.

Okay, finished! Now, because I haven't read the previous chapters, I don't know who these characters are but this was incredibly easy for two teenagers. And they didn't seem at all bothered that they had been captured. If you are aiming for there being stakes and the readers worrying about the characters, this needs a lot of work. But if you are portraying that Aurora and Jayden are very lucky and have everything under control, then I guess this works but that should be made clear.

Hope this helps :D




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Sat Sep 18, 2021 2:37 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Aurora!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

So this chapter answers some questions and raises several more. The plot has taken a very interesting turn and I am curios to see where this goes.

Firstly, this man the guards keep asking about, who is he? I am sure you cannot answer that, but I really like how you have created a mystery around this hidden figure. I am not sure about the intentions of these people. On one side, they do not seem like peole who might hurt kids, but then on the other hand, they did kidnap them and tie them up. I think a lot of this depends on who this mystery person is and why they are looking for him. I also find it a little curios how Aurora and Jayden keep regarding him as 'important'.

I was also very interested in Aurora's text message to summer. She wrote "they found us". And it implies that she knows who captured them and why. The use of the word 'found' means that they had been hiding from them perhaps? But it definitely does not match the clueless picture of them that was painted here. Something is going on.

I really like how headstrong and stubborn Aurora is. We get more of an idea about her here than we did in the first chapter. I think you are doing great by including the little descriptions and thoughts as it really helps the reader to connect to the story. Jayden seems like a really good friend and he is quite playful as well.

Some other details:

This is only happening in movies.

Your use of present tense in this sentence in a story written entirely in the past tense sticks out like a thorn here. You need to keep it consistent. Also this was constructed a little awkwardly. Maybe rewrite it as, "This only happened in the movies."
Also, the paragraph following thatsentence is way too long and it really needs to be broken up into smaller ones. Besides there are several things going on here and they do not really belong together.

She kicked the first guard in the face, the other guard lunged at her but she dodged him and Jayden got up, ran and punched him in the stomach winding him.

I found it a little strange how two teenagers managed to beat up trained men at least twice in their size and age. I would try to make this part a little more believable if I were you.

Overall, this was a really interesting chapter. Can't wait for the next one!

Keep writing and have a great day!





If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain