After that I saw him every day. We explored the forest together, for strangely he knew as little about it as I did. We discovered which berries were edible and which would make you ill, and learnt that contact with the wildlife was only possible if you were gentle, cautious. “Let them come to you,” Ella told me one night when I returned home with bruises, blood seeping from small cuts down my arms. Playing with the squirrels, I had found, was not nearly so easy as Tree Boy and myself had expected.
*
His name had sprung from my deepest of thoughts when I first met him. I couldn’t explain why I had given him the name of Tree Boy. It was who he was. Who I wanted him to be.
*
I had felt a growing fondness for the forest, and for the boy who kept me company in the trees. Without realising it, hide and seek had become my favourite game too.
*
But I couldn’t help but feel the guilt of knowing my sister could not escape the danger. As my cheeks grew rosier, my eyes brighter, and my form taller over the year that passed, Ella shrunk into a frail, pale creature who’s eyes brightened only when I emerged from the forest with Tree Boy. Both of us knew how much she was deteriorating; we saw it in her eyes, in her stooped limp of a walk, in the way her voice shook slightly when we were forced to mention Mum.
*
But she wasn’t my Mother any more. I never saw her, thanks to Ella helping me into the forest at dawn, always telling her I had gone to school or out to play early. She had never been my Mum, because Ella was. Ella had become my Mother, my best friend and a sister rolled into one.
*
Sometimes, when I’d have nightmares after dark, I sought her out. I’d shake her gently until, with a groan, she’d roll over and open her once bright blue eyes. “Alice,” she’d yawn, “What was it this time?”
*
“There was a bear,” I stuttered, voice breaking. “A black one. With huge teeth and red eyes. It was chasing me into the woods, I couldn’t keep running. I screamed, but then I fell and it got to me and-“
*
“Shh,” she put a finger on my lips. “Don’t talk about it. Just let it go. We all have nightmares, but we also have dreams. And we can overcome our nightmares because of them. Go back to sleep, and by tomorrow it will have gone-“ she clicked her fingers, “just like that.”
*
“Can I stay with you?” I whispered. She nodded, and I clambered into her bed, taking great care not to touch that body, that thin, delicate porcelain body that was my sister, full of the cracks and bruises she tried so hard to hide.
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140,292 Literary Works • 673,076 Reviews
Okay, part three! I'll get right to it...
I couldn’t explain why I had given him the name of Tree Boy. It was who he was. Who I wanted him to be.
First your character couldn't explain, now she has. I know what you mean, but still the thought popped into my head. Perhaps say something along the lines of 'the only way I could explain it was....'
Ella shrunk into a frail, pale creature who’s eyes brightened only when I emerged from the forest with Tree Boy.
I'm ninety-nen percent sure that this should say 'whose' instead of who's, because the latter means 'who is'.
I love your use of description and the way you draw sentences out without them seeming too long. An example is this: We discovered which berries were edible and which would make you ill, and learnt that contact with the wildlife was only possible if you were gentle, cautious. “Let them come to you,” Ella told me one night when I returned home with bruises, blood seeping from small cuts down my arms. I don't exactly know why but I just like the way you've written it.
Over to part four I go!
High is into the sky,
Low is onto the ground.
Hi!
I know that I've been reviewing your previous parts of this story earlier than this one. I am so sorry for being late. By the way, I, for sure, love your style of writing.
Nitpicking!
You don't have to put the comma as usual make the 'she', 'She'.
Back on reviewing...
You truly made me amazed. The Mother was catching my attention. And the burden of
a sister was the one that I loved the most! I see you are dividing your story--which is A story--too much and that is too dangerous. But as Astral said, I think it kinda good sometimes. But please! Avoid this style.
Keep writing and I hope both of us will prevail!
Nevertheless, keep writing!
~Nicol
Salutations.
It seems that nowadays everyone is dividing their short stories into multiple parts. I have read, but not commented on, the two previous parts, so I don't see why this is necessary. Your short story is certainly short enough to fit into one, but I suppose you would receive fewer reviews if you had combined everything. Oh well.
My Legend:Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal
I admire the structure of the sentence, and while the content is also satisfcatory, there is one point that bothers me: the berries. In any given scenario, the likelihood of a plant's fruit being poisonous is just as great as the likelihood of it being edible, if not greater. A prime example is the berries of the deadly nightshade - they may look succulent, but they are quite dangerous and may cause death, if consumed in large enough quantities. Therefore, I find it highly improbable to eat all of the berries you come across in a forest and still live to tell which ones are edible.
Two things: Firstly, if you want to employ asterisks to indicate the end of a scene, I'd recommend placing them in the middle of the page, where they are clearly visible and create the most dramatic visual effect. Secondly, as it turns out, this particular asterisk does not indicate the end of a scene, but simply precedes a thought that is connected to the previous paragraph. Why, then, would you use an asterisk? And this is not the first time you have done so. I advise reading through all of your parts again and removing the asterisks which do not indicate the end of one scene and the beginning of a new one.
Here is another example of where the asterisk is unnecessary. Even if it was a new scene, I'd remind you that one may start a paragraph or sentence with a conjunction only if it is related to the text that precedes it. Starting an entirely different scene with "but" or "and" is an exceptionally risky endeavour.
Now, it may seem like I am being overly criticising of your work, but keep in mind I only had three comments on something that was incorrect or not to my taste. I did not even resort to using my legend, at the top of this review, which is why I struck it through. Contrary to what you may have intially thought, I am actually quite impressed with your work.
Your vocabulary is excellent, and so too is your imagery. I especially enjoy the descriptions of Ella's physical deterioration - a marvellous word, and one I am delighted you employed - for they so perfectly describe her fragility and vulnerability. Your conclusion ("that thin, delicate porcelain body that was my sister, full of the cracks and bruises she tried so hard to hide") is absolutely superlative, and it emphasises how Ella endures even though she must suffer abhorrent abuse. I'd even go so far as to say I am more interested in Ella's story than Alice's, even though hers is interesting too.
My only objection to the plot is the mother. We, the readers, are never given an explanation for the mother's violent behaviour (though mind you, there are some rather wicked people on this planet), so we find it difficult to see her as an actual person, and not just some monster the girls must face. I also find it odd how she never questions Ella's excuses as to Alice's whereabouts. Perhaps you could divulge some of this information in your next parts.
Good luck with your story, and may you have a pleasant Review Day!
Thank you for the review, I shall certainly take some of your comments on board. As for the Mother, you learn the reasons for her behaviour later on, don't worry. They also answer the question you have in terms of her not questioning Ella's excuses.
Ah. That is good to know.
Hey there and well done with this! I saw this work in the Green Room so I read the first two parts before reviewing this. I didn't review the others because everyone seemed to cover what I was thinking of. But I must say I love your ideas!! This tragic plot, has really kept me interested, and I really like the concept of her sister keeping her away from her parents! I also liked how you described what the character did in the forest. The storytelling of this was very charming if you see what I mean.
I saw, at..
"thin, delicate porcelain body."
There should be a comma after delicate, but the nitpicky side of things was Ok apart from that.
I'd like to see more of the characters mother and understand why she is so cruel. I''d also like there to be more action. Such as when you were talking about her playing with the wildlife with Tree Boy, give some examples of the sort of events that could happen. And one other thing, I want to know what her sister thinks of Tree Boy. Wouldn't she feel slightly protective of her sister if she suddenly started playing with this nameless boy from the forest?
I really enjoyed this story, well done! I'm inspired now to read more adventure and mystery stories like this! Keep writing!
Thanks so much for the review! There is not much said about the Mother, as the narrator is only 6 - 8 years old and will not understand properly what is going on with her. As for the other things, I guess you'll have to wait and see