Whilst she slept, I’d plait her long, golden hair, the only part of her that remained unscathed.I wished fervently my own coarse brown locks looked anything like hers. Though my own body had no significant faults, I had always ached to look like Ella, who had once been beautiful, a gem both humbling and breath taking to behold, as passers – by often told her when we used to roam about the town.
*
When sleep finally found me the bear returned, but was thwarted by a boy. A boy with bright green eyes and skin as brown as an acorn.
*
“So when am I going to meet your sister?” Tree Boy asked, leaning against the trunk of a worn Cherry Blossom. “You know my sister,” I answered, kicking a large pile of scarlet leaves sending them spiralling into the air.
*
“No I don’t.”
*
“Yes you do.”
*
No, I don’t!”
*
I sighed, shoving my hands into the pockets of my brown coat. “You told me you and I are the same. That you know everything about me.”
*
“So?”
*
“So, you already know about Ella – why would you want me to meet her?”
*
He smirked. “Maybe you need to show her this part of your life. You haven’t told her about me, have you?” I said nothing.
*
“So take me to her.”
**
On that very day he emerged from the forest with me, almost 2 years after our first meeting. When Ella limped up to the treeline, coughing slightly, Tree Boy was there to see it too. He clasped my hand tightly and swallowed hard.
*
Her face lit up when I introduced him as my friend, though for a moment she looked puzzled. Then understanding overcame her and Tree Boy held out his hand for her to shake. She looked at me blankly and I mimed the action, wondering if the the pain she had undergone had made her confused.She shook his hand uncertainly, looking not at him but through him, straining to see what I saw.
*
But she thanked him anyway, for keeping me company during the time I had spent here. I heard him say, “You’re welcome,” but she did not hear.
*
“I’m sorry this was such a short meeting, but Alice and I have to go now,” she said regretfully to thin air. Tree Boy bowed his head as though submitting himself to a Queen, and she smiled before beckoning me out of the thick canopy of trees.
*
I turned to him, expecting an answer for what had passed. For the question that shone brightly in my eyes. He nodded at me expectantly, raising an eyebrow, and suddenly I knew.Tree Boy was for my eyes, and my eyes only. I had needed him, so I had made him. With a smile, I realised this was why he had asked to meet Ella. To show me that which was right in front of me, but that I had chosen not to acknowledge.
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140,293 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
It's me again.
Hopefully you're not getting annoyed by all the notifications I must be causing. I'll be up to part 8 soon. But I'm really enjoying reading your story! It's lovely.
Maybe it's just YWS.
remained unscathed.I wished
Spaces.
a gem both humbling and breath taking to behold, as passers – by often told her when we used to roam about the town.
Read over this a few times a decide for yourself, but I'm not sure that the hyphen is needed. When I read it, it destroys the nice flow I have going and makes the sentence split into two separate halves. What I mean to say is, the hyphen causes me to pause like I would when coming across a comma.
undergone had made her confused.She shook his hand
Spaces again.
I had needed him, so I had made him. With a smile, I realised this was why he had asked to meet Ella. To show me that which was right in front of me, but that I had chosen not to acknowledge.
I get it now! This makes the story so much grimmer. The message is clear.
I get it now! He's her imaginary friend. That's cute.
I'm glad you understand the story more
Hello again priceofwords!
I usually put one or two spaces between the period and the begining of the sentence. I think it makes things flow better. You replicate the mistake when you say 'confused.She' and 'I knew.Tree Boy'.I think this was really cool, and realistic. Having an imaginary friend that helps you through things is probably how some people would react to the situation. Just a few nitpicks.
Also, when they are having a conversation, I don't think that you need to put the '*' between each person saying something, it makes it a little halting.
I think that this was a really good story, I enjoyed reading it. Hope to see you again;
~Kelpies.
Hey there, Sammy here. This story is very interesting and I can tell there is a deep meaning into it. (An imaginary friend, I have a bunch of them roaming around in my mind. Sometimes I can't sleep because they are so loud. Lol. XP) There are a few things I saw that needed a bit of help.
There was a bit of runoff sentences, but don't worry, happens to all of us all the time. I got a bit confused over who was talking and who was the narrator in the beginning so maybe add a bit more so the new readers could understand more.
This is all up to you, I'm constantly improving on reviewing- which is one of my weak spots besides editing, so I might be wrong. Anyway, great job and I hope you continue making great stories as this one!
Thank you for the review, I can tell you that you did a good job and I will definitely take your points into consideration. I guess I wanted to add mystery to the piece but I will try to make it clearer as well
Hey there, Sammy here. This story is very interesting and I can tell there is a deep meaning into it. (An imaginary friend, I have a bunch of them roaming around in my mind. Sometimes I can't sleep because they are so loud. Lol. XP) There are a few things I saw that needed a bit of help.
There was a bit of runoff sentences, but don't worry, happens to all of us all the time. I got a bit confused over who was talking and who was the narrator in the beginning so maybe add a bit more so the new readers could understand more.
This is all up to you, I'm constantly improving on reviewing- which is one of my weak spots besides editing, so I might be wrong. Anyway, great job and I hope you continue making great stories as this one!
Delete all the asterisks.
Though my own body had no significant faults, I had always ached to look like Ella, who had once been beautiful, a gem both humbling and breath taking to behold, as passers – by often told her when we used to roam about the town.
This is a run on sentence.
Thought my own body had no significant faults, I always ached to look like Ella. Who had once been beautiful. A gem both humbling and breath taking to behold. Passerby's often told her on a stroll through town.
When sleep finally found me the bear returned, but was thwarted by a boy. A boy with bright green eyes and skin as brown as an acorn.
here you describe tree boy like you've not seen him before. If you have it's not necessary to go so in depth. Just say tree boy.
Don't be afraid to use tags, like he said, she said. And don't use things like he exclaimed, etc. It gets tiresome on the reader. He said and she said are good. I got a little lost with who's speaking a bit.
Her face lit up when you introduce tree boy as your friend. Why is a good question. Why does it light up?
The last 3 paragraphs its unclear who is talking. There are 3 characters and you keep saying she. Who is she? Use her name.
Overall I didn't get a good feel of it to say if it was good or bad. Submit a longer piece. Consider the advice I'm telling you.
Thank you for the review, I appreciate it
Ella's face lights up because she is happy Alice has made a friend, until she realises he is imaginary which is why she looks confused later on. And Alice is the narrator, there is only one male in there so 'she' is referring to Ella. I will try to keep my sentences shorter in future though, I do that sometimes. And the reason why I described him that way during the point to which you referred is to keep that mysterious air about him; also merely referring to him as Tree Boy would have sounded rather dull. It wouldn't have emphasised the fact that Alice sees him almost as her protector quite as vividly. I'm not afraid to use tags, I just didn't see them as necessary for this part. I'll be sure to use them in future though 
Tree boy is imaginary. Ohh, that makes sense. Sad. You probably made that more clear in past chapters but I always like to pick out a particular scene I've written and if I can't make sense of it, I try to make it a bit more clear.
Run on sentences. I still do them. It's just something you miss when you write. No problem, easy fix.
It would not have emphasized the fact that Alice sees him almost as her protector quite as vividly.
I didn't get that but then again I just read one scene. Make you sure you get that point across.
@Ronald559
BTW, you're super-fast reviewer!I've nothing to say about your reviews, but could you use the 'quote' things? Just put the things you want to put between the [*quote]Put the things here...[*quote] without the asterisks, kay? It will make your review clear; not hard to read. Like this:
AWESOME!Oh, okay. Yeah I didn't know how people did that. Thanks.
I will @Ronald559
Hopefully I'll be able to upload another part soon!