I lay Mother's on the kitchen table - I'll give it to her later. I clasp mine to my chest and ensconce myself on the bottom stair. When my initial reactions have subsided, I unfold the letter carefully, smoothing out the creased edges. Scanning through, I note that the date reads 20th March 1918. Six months ago. The letter had obviously gotten lost in the post. Below it is a single line of writing;
*
Lizzie,
Remember your promises.
Love,
Charlie
*
At first, I am angry. I crave for more; more words to remember him by, to bring him back to life. I stroke the paper softly, blinking rapidly to prevent my tears from washing the words away. The promises we both made to each other all those years ago are suddenly reborn in my mind. Take care of Mother, he said, and do not go gentle. As the words each stab into my heart with increasing intensity, my anger evaporates.
*
Perhaps I can vanquish what he could not. My brother promised not to go gentle, but whether he honoured it or not, death ensnared him anyway. I instantly vow it will not be the same for me. For Charlie, I won't go gentle. For Charlie, I will keep Mother safe, and chase away her demons.
*
My tears have long since dried, burned away by a newfound fiery strength. Holding the letter to my lips, I breathe in deeply, and whisper,
*
'I promise, Charlie. To the end of the world and back, I promise.'
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, pieceofwords, Tay01 here, form the Blue Moon, here to review you Chapter 3. Although, I have not read your chapters 1 and 2. I hope you learn something form this review, or it will be a waste of my precious time.
Alright, let us jump straight to the point shall we? Yes, we shall.
To start with, this story is suppose to be in past tense, as all stories are and are all written. Your story here, is in the present tense. For example:
"At first, I am angry."
It should have been:
""At first, I was angry""
There. Doesn't that sound a bit more grammatically correct? Well, I have spotted another mistake, this is also, about your tenses.
"Perhaps I can vanquish what he could not."
This should be in past tense. Which is exactly like this:
""Perhaps I could vanquish what he could not.""
And instead of the "what he could not", you could just say, "what he couldn't do." This sounds weird, writing the word 'couldn't' because people have said not to use any words with apostrophe as it is not formal. Well, in this case, it is alright to use it. Also, add an 'exactly' or 'successfully' to make it sound better. Like this:
"""Perhaps I could vanquish exactly what he couldn't do."""
OR
"""Perhaps I could successfully vanquish what he couldn't do."""
Now, how's that? Add these little details into your story, and it will sound pretty good with an excellent flow, hopefully.
Lastly, describe a little bit more. Describe way more so the reader could imagine and picture exactly what you are saying.
"My tears have long since dried, burned away by a newfound fiery strength."
Explain:
After the tears dried, was the face still sticky?
How strength full was the strength? As in lion? Or bull? Or something??
What did face look like? Gloomy? Frowned? Lips pursed? Eyebrows raised?
See, that is exactly how you can do all these. Perfectly at least two to three descriptions for every part you want the reader to imagine.
Thank you, for taking precious time to read my review, if you actually did read it throughly.
HAPPY JANUARY REVIEW DAY!!!
~~review from:
Tay01, from the Blue Moon, the blue team.
Hi there priceofwords!
I'm not going to mark this as a review since I really don't have time for that today. I do think you have an interesting start (I read the other parts as well) but I fear you might have a glaring anachronism here.
If this is the poem to which you are referring in the title, it wasn't published until 1951. Dylan Thomas would have been four when this story takes place. I suggest finding a more appropriate reference for the time period.
I may have more time this weekend to take a closer look at the story, so feel free to remind me! Keep writing!
Your writing is phenomenal. I did see a couple spelling and grammar errors every once and a while, but I believe you have an amazing talent. From my personal opinion, I believe you were very descriptive and fully capable of intriguing readers. I hope you write more, I would love to read it. Don't let your talent go to waste. Good luck on your writing adventure! Keep me posted on your book!