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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hello.
Hmm. I think this one of those poems that has more significance to it than you first think.
For example, this isn't reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly about a jumper is it?
I like the colloquial style of narration there is in this poem. Again though, it's first person. ALL of your works seem to be in first person.
I mean it read well, and you've actually used punctuation! -faints-
The repetition goes nicely here, but I don't think there's anything in particular that makes this piece stand out. In fact, it is kind of flat.
I would like to see more development in it. But it's an old work now. XD
Hi, AJ!
Another interesting piece, man! The vocabulary used here was actually very good, and the flow was nice as well. It was easy to read!
I found that I became incredibly confuuused as to what this song was referring to. Now, I did feel a brief bit of choppiness since every line was its own sentence. Nothing really flowed into the next line. So it was a nice flow in a rhythmic way!
The concept, however, confused me. I didn't get the story at all. I was hoping the song would build on what exactly the speaker's identity was, but now I'm also confused as to who the speaker is talking to. "Don't unload your **** onto me." Who? And what ****?
Going off that, I'm not a fan of that line with the swear. It's extremely abrupt. I didn't get the feeling of that much anger in any other part of the song. Certainly upset or offended, but never angry enough to load that harsh of a line. So it was a sudden impact, and I think it hurt your song. (It probably didn't help that I didn't know what it was referring to.)
So I did find this a pretty good piece. It's not your best, but it's not your worst either. It's definitely getting there. I liked the silk metaphor you used for this. I just wish I could understand what the song's saying better. A bit of editing will shape the song up just fine, though!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
AJ! Pix here to review one of your poems. Or songs. Lol. Okay so here it goes....
I really like how you put emotion into this. You know, you didn't hesitate to put words in there. The cussing was pretty awesome too, because it's like your mad in this poem. In the repeated verses, they are very inspiring because your comparing silk to love, very unique if you ask me.
In this verse:
I see you've made use of yourself.
I notice you laughing it off.
Like you should have done ages ago.
This one was easy to read, simple, spoken well. One of my favorite verses out of this.
Overall this is really good.
Keep writing!
~Katie
Ok, so this shows a kind of story, and that's good.
You ahve put alot of detail into this, and this is what people want.
You ahve also made it kind of realistic.
There are a few negative points.
It's a little confuesing.
You've swore, that's ok, if you like putting swear words, but some people (like me) don't really trust swearing.
It may make it sound cool, but it doesn't really.
There are alot of detailed words, which is nice, but some of them are a little hard to read.
Overall, this is pretty good word, so, please, don't let this stop youn from wirting!
I am only 12 btw, so this is pretty hard to write