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138,725 Literary Works • 672,262 Reviews
Hello.
I have to say I don't understand the meaning or the significance of the title of this work.
Strangely, it was that very thing that drew me to reading it XD That and the fact you'd written it.
So...
I like the first line, it's really hopeful and dainty. The start of this is very romantic in itself.
It's about love and sacrifice and also commitment I think.
Oh.
Wait. except think of your ass? Hmm. Maybe not so romantic. XD LOL Actually, it did make me life and I kinda like the audacity of the narrator. So... -thumbs up-
Hmm, this stanza suggests something more of desperation, the narrator is trying to be noticed by this other person. At all costs. I'm confused by the last line of this stanza though. What does it mean? XD
Awwww. This is actually sweet. It doesn't have the same pervy tones as some of the others works of yours I have read. In fact, I admire the "character" here for being honest and forthcoming with such personal information. It's charming.
i technical point, I wouldn't have repeated "shape" so quickly after using it in the first line but it doesn't detract from the overall meaning.
"I just make love to your mind."
There's something captivating about you when you write about sex in this way.
Brilliant.
Well done.
♥
I liked this, but it could have had more sexy stuff included it in. Keep it up, I hope you make more funny poetry by the way how old are you , i just wanted to know.
Okay, I already told you that I thought this was awesome in a awkward kinda way so I decided to review.
Because when I started reading this I had no idea what merp meant I thought from some kind of sweet love song.
"I cross the road in hope
That I'll be noticed by you"
The I got to these lines.
"Nothing left to do now
Except think of your ass"
So being totally confused I kept reading. And I liked the song. And I learned a new word!
I cross the road in hope
That I'll be noticed by you
I will do whatever
To have you in my grasp
Even if it does mean
That I will end up staring
Nothing left to do now
Except think of your ass
(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole
My penis has become
A pink flag of surrender
Endless stroking at night
Has left me paralysed
It's making me nervous
I hate to be a bother
But you should read the mail
I wait for your reply
(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole
Your eyes are the same shape
Of my favourite body part
You have the curves and shape
To make me go insane
It's not masturbating
I just make love to your mind
I wish you'd never see
Me as something innane
(So please know!) So please know I think of you
In all situations and in all rooms
I think you're sexy and I love you so
You make my broken half whole Okay this is perverted but good in its' own way I guess?You spelled inane,favorite and paralyzed wrong and I agree with lumi it does sound a little rape-like.Except think of your ass Well that killed the romantic theme their and kind of startled me but made me laugh.My penis has become
A pink flag of surrender Okay that is a little over the top you know?It's not masturbating
I just make love to your mind Thats a clever line.
This is great! That really is all I can say as I am lost for words!
Good morning, AJ.
This is different. I’ll admit that this is actually a bit more subtle—even more narcissistic—than most lusty poetry/lyrics out there. But hey, you’re AJ, and you don’t care. So let’s start making this better.
Immediately, in verse one, you give a very bold disconnect to the girl, not in the way that says “this girl is just a tool of sex,” but rather your narrator comes across a bit stalker-rape-y.
Your chorus/refrain/whatever you want to call it ends up being very cliché by the end, hitting the old, worn-out “broken half made whole” motif. At first, I thought this was another innuendo, so I spent several minutes trying to figure out what it would be, but no. It’s just a cliché with no sexual undertone. No complaint for that, but it’s still a cliché and should be killed.
Verse two confuses itself in the middle. You swap from talking about masturbation to asking a girl to reply to something in the post. If these two are connected, I fear for what that girl will find in the post. Keep in mind that context influences meaning, and shape it up.
In verse three, I suggest changing one of the instances of “shape” to something else to keep from being redundant. It interests me how you use the eyes as a yonic symbol, implying that the nature of your sexual desires for this girl connects to her eyes, which leads off into a strange skull fetish. It’s a possible disconnect, but also a possible connect. So. Yeah.
It probably is.
-Lumi
Happy review day! Let's see what we can do here...
I'll admit, this caught me by surprise. Here I was, getting into what I thought was a long-suffering smarmy love song (no offense, those are my favorite kind) and for some reason this startled me in it's slightly crude bluntness. It made me laugh
I continued to read into the next stanza and found a very nice continuation of the abovementioned pattern. Plenty of feeling, but at the same time some spunk to make it interesting.
Two things caught me here. One: "innane" is actually spelled "inane." Two: the rhyme sounded forced. Like I am always discovering about lyrics, they sound better when you actually sing them, but I thought it worthwhile to point that out.
Overall I think this piece was very well-written. The somewhat mature content makes it a perfect fit for modern society, I think, and it was nicely put together and though I normally don't approve of crude things like that I sort of liked this. Awesome-sauce job!
Modern classical. You, sir, are a lyrical genius. This sounds serious, but also humorous. Grim reality concealed in a veil of humor.
....
I actually don't know what to say.
And I always have something to say.
I don't know wheter this is a good thing, or bad.
Rude words, and spelling mishaps are my Negatives.
Good punctuation is my Obvias Posative.
This was merp
To the extreme.
I loved it.
Only you would like this