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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hi, AJ!
Teehee, you're right. It's definitely a simple song. I like how you effectively brought in some social issues from an average Joe's angle. That perspective is always easy to relate to for your typical listener.
This second stanza is actually weird to me. I decided that 1) you kinda force-rhymed the fourth line and 2) the last line was clunky and didn't flow well. I like the repetition you did every other line, though!
I had trouble with this stanza. The grammar in lines two and four are, um, false. xD And it hurt. Grammar is still a good thing, even in song-writing! And also, lines 5-8 I didn't really care for. I guess it's trying to explain how factories are significant so it would be stupid to fire staff considering how much they're needed? But they weren't phrased in a way that appealed in that way. I'd rethink those.
I think that line two was weird for me. Firstly, and this is purely personal preference, I didn't like using the term "fire." Secondly, why say "were"? Are they no longer going to fire staff? Oh, and thirdly! The last line is forced. The MC never said anything about asking for the rumors. He was eavesdropping. At least, I'm fairly sure he was.
The last stanza went too far from the message. It brought in new ideas and went off on tangents, so I didn't like it.
Also, "Yesh"? XD
This was an alright song. In fact, I think it's actually getting somewhere. It really just needs another look. Think about what you're trying to say in this song, and make sure everything you say has something to do with the message.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi! I seem to be lurking in the lyrics section a little at the moment and thought I'd check this out ^^
Repetition
I think there was too much of it. Sometimes it can be really effective but the words and phrases you chose to repeat weren't interesting enough to withstand being heard so many times. Behind the repetition you actually have an interesting concept: a song about people being laid off. I've not heard many songs on unemployment so I'd like to hear that but you use up so much of your lyrics with repetition that you don't get the chance to explore the subject.
Language and Word Choice
I've picked out this section to show that you need stronger language. There's too much simplicity here. It's lyrics so I'm not looking for crazy metaphors and things but this is dull! It also makes it difficult to follow the story as there aren't any explanations, it's all just very vague.
I think that's the most important stuff. Basically I like the idea behind this but it needs a re-vamp. A cool rhythm and a stronger storyline. Show us who this persona is and that they're worried about losing their job, what might their concerns be? Maybe he or she has a family they need to feed or maybe they just wanted to save enough money to buy a car? It's all up to you of course, but give us some personality!
Heather xxx
I really really like these lyrics. I would love to actually hear the music put to this song. Your lyrics strike the emotions and can be very relatable to many people in this world. This piece is very dark. I love it. : ) All of your stanzas flow very well. And you have a unique pattern going on. I love the progressiveness of these lyrics. So many things add to that. The fact you start out with buildings then to factories then to a civil worker then to someone in the army it seems. To me, I sort of view all three of them as the same. They are all harmful to the soul. I love how you make it sound that their soul needs this though. It is very powerful.
Time to stop working
Time to stop building
Time to burn down my workplace
Time to burn down my building
Time to stop praying.
Time to stop building.
Time to burn down the churches.
Time to burn down the buildings.
Time to stop hoping.
Time to stop building.
Time to burn down the churches.
Time to burn down the buildings.
Time to start hating.
Time to start killing.
Time to revive the cutter.
Time to revive the killings.
These three stanzas here are so powerful on their own and the picture of the lyrics is perfectly conveyed through them. It is really amazing. So simple yet not. And so powerful. The way your lyrics are set up is sort of like a building itself. Your piece is amazing. I truly love it. Great Job!! : )