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138,468 Literary Works • 672,131 Reviews
The title of this one sounded like a pop song. But I didn't expect you to write a pop song,don't worry. XD
The style of this one is very cinematic, like you're describing something you're seeing as it's happening, that translates well as I read it, although you are a bit word heavy towards the end of the stanza/verse.I feel like there are parts of this you have added just for the sake of it? How much of it is relevant to your point? And what is your point? Or maybe this is a work that doesn't have a purpose.
But you have used punctuation, so;;; WOW!
XD
Poor you.
XD
Overall, I really liked your poem. The topic was really interesting and it exactly expressed my opinions and feelings about planes as well
My advice for you about this poem would be; try to use less repetitions. There're a lot of repetitions you used to tell your fear about planes. You might have wanted to emphasize that part specifically, but I think that is a lot...
On the other hand, I enjoyed reading this one! Keep up with the great work, continue writing
DISCLAIMER: The following is my opinion only. In no way is it an objective analysis of the quality of your work, nor a reflection of you as a writer.
Too much inconsistent, forced rhyme. I think it ruins the flow of the piece, because instead of choosing words that work, you've crammed square words into circular spaces for the sake of a kind-of rhyme. Also, the second quoted couplet does not fit with the first, because the structure of the two couplets is totally different. Two medium length lines followed by one short one, and one long one - reads funny.
Whut. I don't actually know what this means. There's a couple places in the this poem where the line is really ambiguous and arbitrary - you might want to tighten it up.
This being said, I'm a fan of the subject matter and the concept of a plane ride as a metaphor for a relationship, aerophobia for commitmentphobia [a crappy, but real, word].
- D