I've been running for 20 miles now
I really should take a break
I'm feeling drowsy, I'm feeling dizzy
I may have a belly ache
No more people to come my way
No civilisation to find
I got my guide to give me pep talk
But how long before I die?
I'm only running
I'm only training
I'm only making a scene
I'm only resting
Or taking deep breathes
I just want to make the team
Tell the organiser to inform him
I may not be taking part
If this is Heaven what is Hell like?
I dunno how long I'll last
I need to vomit, can't have you looking
Don't wanna make you sick too
I practice all day, I practice all night
I deserve a medal too
I'm only running
I'm only training
I'm only making a scene
No need for drama
Or Billy Shakespeare
I just want to make the team
I know a Michael, I know a Usain
They talk to me in my head
They always prompt me to continue
Even if I am braindead
I made an armoury, out of my trophies
Won competitions all day
Yet I don't have ambition, don't have any drive
Ain't got a reason a play
Where did the time go?
When did the night shift?
I'm stuck here all on my own
My legs all busted
My legs all broken
I just want to make the team
(improvised rambling about exercise)
I only need to talk about the first part of this.
Fabulous. Basically. This is the best one of your old works that I have so far read. It has the most current *you* in it.
So, we can look at the meaning of this literally or metaphorically.
What Went Well:
1. The imagery
2. The repetition
3. The rhetorical question (again)
What Needs Improving?
NOTHING! I could just tell you to change this work eg, add punctuation, break up lines, use more enjambent etc. but there's no point. Because there's nothing technically speaking, wrong with your writing. You have established such a strong voice here that you haven't yet lost, but I feel you mask it slightly in some of your later works by writing about things you don't believe in.
You definitely write about what you believe in here.
*huggles*
♥
Let us see here... I must say this, I believe this to be a work of pure art. I especially love the chorus of your piece. I am not too good with decyphering symbolism but it seems to me that you are just trying to run and make it in life. Please do not shoot me if I am wrong, this is my first review. I personally would not change a thing about it. And I personally love the reference to William Shakespeare, and how you don't need the drama of everyday life. Good work and I shall continue to read your work because you are a great writer.
Why do I picture this with a banjo being played? *Erases picture from mind*.
Ok so Cross country.... I hate to say this, but I'm getting bad memories of the time I ran a race and sprained my ankle.
So this is a really good song. It has a certain amount of humour to it which makes me smile.
I like how you say 'I'm only.....". It shows bit of sarcasm. I also like how you say that you can't let people see you vomit. For me it means that you don't want anybody to know how much running takes its toll on the body.
"If this Heaven what is Hell like?"- Highly debatable but fits in great.
I don't know how this would be sung but I love it! Skyexxx
Hey 567ajt,
I always enjoy reading lyrics simply because they usually have such a lovely flow to them.
Your repetition of 'I' in the first stanza is very helpful for the syntax, and it gives a kind of choppy feel to it, which I appreciated in relation to your topic, which, I assume is Cross Country.
All in all, I did like it.
"If this is Heaven what is Hell like?"
This was my favourite line, because it hinted something heavier below the idea of running. The connotations delve into something that affects your entire work positively.
"Where did the time go?
When did the night shift?
I'm stuck here all on my own
My legs all busted
My legs all broken
I just want to make the team"
This entire stanza is fantastic. The ending line, 'I just want to make the team', is good. Really good. In fact, if it were me, that would be my title for the piece.
The text really has a steady feel to it, which is fabulous. I have nothing to point out regarding spelling or grammar mistakes, and though there were things I could see that I felt didn't fit, I can't really slam you down for them, because for all I know, the words could be spoken in such a way that they do convey initial correspondence.
I enjoyed reading it, keep writing, please!
NightWriter x